Shopping Drunk

I have a bit of an addiction. I’d say it’s nothing too serious, but I’m not so convinced. 

Look, it’s not like I’m doing meth - I just like to shop. The correct term is ‘Shopaholic’. 

I’ve always been like this, always shop to either treat myself, make myself feel better, or if I’m generally just feeling good. Sometimes it’s educational purchasing (like books) or flattering (makeup, clothes, accessories), but there are the occasional impulse ridiculous buys (Llama). 

I blame my mother. No joke - she’s worse! But then so was my Nana, and really my aunt and my cousin are also pretty bad. Probably all the women in my family, really. I bet there’s a lot of women out there who relate!

I remember once at as a child being at the local shops with the family, and bursting into tears when it was time to go home. My mum asked what was wrong to which I replied that I was upset because I hadn’t bought anything yet. She got it, she just said it was ok and we could buy something next time. My dad just looked at me like ‘what the fuck am I raising’. 

Men don’t really get it - the straight ones, anyway. Gay men (stereotypically) are some of the best shopping partners though not always. ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ and the term ‘metrosexual’ evolved for a reason. 

Anyway so I have a bit of a problem. I go through phases in life when it’s better or worse. I’m forever valiantly trying to be strong and my personal internal motto is ‘don’t waste money on shit you don’t need’ - inner Sam says this to me every time I’m out in public.  But then inner Sam is also the one who says ‘shit yeah, you’re having a bad time just buy the Llama, it’s worth it’. Devil and angel on the shoulder, always. 

It’s only bad though when I over spend or the streak lasts too long. Like now. 

We all know I ended off last year and started this year with a bit of an emotional roller coaster - no need to re-hash - but it is worth mentioning that here because that’s what really started it off again. 

At first it was makeup and beauty treatments, then it was clothes and shelves, then it was hell yes I should go to Fiji and buy all the skincare on the island. It sort of snowballed really. I did also have life admin things as well to organise like car rego and insurance, as well as my other upcoming trip to Japan, and after a while the adult in me was like ‘ok, this is going a bit far now I didn’t need a whole new makeup range or 15 more kindle books’ (I have over 300 unread books on my kindle, you guys) and then I discovered the ability to link audiobooks with the kindle books I have. Basically, it was time to try to draw the line. 

So, herein lies the problem. Sober Sam tries to meditate and be strong about purchasing what I don’t need right now - sober Sam makes lists of what I want to save up for another time, what I don’t need today, and recognises that the time for riding the ‘breakup made me buy it’ excuse is running a bit on empty now. Drunk Sam does not give any fucks. 

Drunk Sam loves to browse internet shopping websites, mostly eBay, and buy the shit I don’t need. 

Sober Sam added a limit to the credit card. Drunk Sam bid on a new iPhone. 

I have never been more of a Gemini in my life. 

It might be time for an intervention now considering when I woke up on Sunday I’d bought a Llama scrunchie, among other things, and if I win that iPhone (even if Mine is starting to die and it’s the one I want) I’m going to have to pay for it. I’ve got to go grocery shopping but I’ve now got to wait for payday and for the love of all the gods someone please take my credit card away from me. 

I’ve been through this before - drunk shopping. There was a time when I’d wake up and wonder where my money went to see the new books on my kindle. Sometimes packages arrived I didn’t remember ordering. That’s not so bad though because it’s like a surprise present from past Sam. 

I joke that I’m going to starve this week, I mean I’ve got protein shakes still, but that’s sort of all I’ve got right now beside the loaf of bread my friend gave me. And if you think I haven’t made the French/Russian revolution bread jokes to myself already you don’t know me at all. So basically I got protein shakes, some bread, milk and water. And the biscuits work gives us for free. 

Many moons ago when I worked in the outback I once remarked to a colleague (who I fancied, I’ll admit it) that I was so hungry and wish I hadn’t spent all my food money on random shit. He told me off but I said I deserved it for being so bad at life before sitting there sadly with my stomach rumbling until he got so annoyed he threw money across the desk at me like it was the end of ‘Moulin Rouge’. Men don’t get it, and it’s never sexy to have someone you fancy throw money at you physically (metaphorically it’s ok if they want to do it). 

So I’ve been here before. If my inability to eat proper food is due to my poor money management then that’s my own fault and I kind of deserve it. I think it’s kind of funny - it’s not like I’m going to die and I couldn’t just buy food on the credit card after all, I just choose not to because the credit card is the problem. I’m not in a situation that I can’t bail myself out of eventually, and if shit was so bad I could jut call someone. I put myself here though, I prefer to get myself out. 

One of my favourite movies of all time is actually ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’ which is a film adaptation of a book series by Sophie Kinsella, one of my favourite authors of all time. The film follows Becky Bloomwood (played by Isla Fisher, give me your hair) at the very beginning of her story struggling to make it in NY as a journalist but with a very bad shopping habit and multiple maxed out credit cards. She gets an ironic job with a financial advisement magazine as a hopeful stepping stone to a fashion magazine and meets Luke Brandon (played by Hugh Dancy, marry me) who both actor and character formed partial inspiration for my own beloved Eric Stanhope of CCJ (for the new readers out there CCJ stands for my book ‘Cursed are the Curious’ but the abbreviation is from its original title - completed but not yet published, first in its series). 

Anyway, Becky writes a drunk article about shopping that works as such an amazing metaphor for money consciousness it turns her into an international sensation known as the ‘Girl in the Green Scarf’. The rest of the film revolves around Becky low key wanting to shag Luke, Luke low key falling in love with Becky, and her big secret (a debt collector) threatening to tear her professional reputation and relationships apart. It’s not as good as the books, because how could it be, but its a repeat watch for me like ‘Ever After’. She also has this line at the end, when everything goes to shit, that goes something like this: 

“I shop because when I do the world gets better, and then it’s not anymore and I have to do it again.” 

I relate to that so much. As silly as it might be in comparison, shopping really can be an addiction and the highs it gives really aren’t that unlike what you might get from a shot of coffee or sugar or ever heroin (as if I’d even know, I haven’t tried it). Her line also encapsulates for me that feeling of trying to bury your problems or make yourself feel better through shopping. They call it retail therapy for a reason. 

It’s not for every one, but I recommend it. It gives me the same fuzzies all my favourites do. 

For now though I’m going to have to figure out how to stop shopping so much drunk or sober. At least the drunk shopping I can discourage by not drinking. 

Pray for me.

Sam xox