Single Ladies (Put Your Hands Up)

I still feel the same as this morning and last night, although I don't feel necessarily repulsed anymore or even so adverse. I do however feel very liberated that I just don't care or want that right now (that being love, romance, sex etc). 

I've felt like this before and it was as fantastic a feeling then as well, but it didn't last forever. In fact this is all I've ever wanted in life since it seemed that those things weren't coming for me and to be perfectly honest it kills me to feel the way I have felt (that it wouldn't happen for me).

I used to wish for love, then when I grew up I started wishing to not care. So believe me when I say that I am so happy today, so relieved, there feels like a weight off my shoulders right now and I just cross all my fingers and toes that this feeling lasts much longer than last time. Relive the past decade of my life and you'll understand why this sudden feeling is so amazing for me.

Being single is great, and genuinely not caring to be in a relationship or having to entertain the bullshit that comings with searching for one is like a goddamn dream come true. Cupid finally granted me another reprieve since the last one 3 years ago. I hope this one endures much longer than before, but I'll take what I can get.

The only real down side to this is that it makes my lack of too many single girlfriends who like to go for drinks, to the drags and out for a dance a little more frustrating. I have single girlfriends sure and plenty of them really close but they're mostly more like the other side of me that prefers to read a book or stay in for the night then go for a wild night with martinis. Don't get me wrong either because women in relationships can be like that too (occasionally...) but it's kind of nice to be on the same page as someone and not worrying about needing to be a third wheel to spend time with them since I've finally exceeded the limit of times that that's ok (unless in transit). I could write a whole post about the issues I have with co-dependent relationships but suffice it to say I really appreciate the single friends that I have because sometimes couples can be absolute insufferable - and not even because I'm jealous or lonely. Identity issues, independence and irritation, anyone? No one likes that girl who can't do things without her partner.

It seems that everytime I meet a cool new single girlfriend that I can have a glass of wine and a joke about men with, within a short space of time they're suddenly bowled over by a relationship and then I get to see them less and less. I kid you not this has happened to me about 4 or 5 times, almost as many times as I've lost relationships with straight male friends because of their partners. 

I'm going to still be alone a lot - that's no change - but I love this feeling so much because I am just so happy to be happy. Freedom. 

When a guy texts me, a romantic interest that is, and my first thought is 'go away', that's the best feeling ever for me. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, it does to me.

I hope that this feeling lasts forever this time.

Sam xox