My old bed

I sit at the Opera Bar sipping a cold glass of sparkling Janz . To those unaware that is both the bar beneath the Sydney Opera house and a glass of sparkling wine, like Chardonnay if you will though I don't know a lot about wine except for what tastes good and what I am happy to afford or not. 

I've just had a very busy few weeks in Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand and then visiting back home in Perth for a long weekend. 

I sit here with my drink reassessing once again the best ways to draw enchantment out of my ordinary life because that's what keeps me going. I accepted that property and assets, the way that I spend and what I prioritise, are unlikely in my near future, and I have moved on from the recent 'heartbreak' that whilst was entirely hurtful was surprisingly shallow in nature. I do feel a little bored now that my adventures for the time being are over and whilst I know that I am a good person, I have a lot to give and that yes, sure, I suppose there's someone out there for me I won't need to convince myself to like or feel I am settling for; today I sort of don't really feel like anything. 

I'm sitting here just wondering what I should do with my weekend and why I feel so apathetic about everything. The noodle markets are on - id love to see that. Michael Macintyre is in town, he cracks me up and I can get a ticket if I want to. I have a date with an attractive guy, sure it might go really well. It's Halloween in less than a fortnight, then Dias de Los Meurtos, then NaNoWriMo, then my mum is visiting again and then next minute it's the Christmas season. We are very quickly approaching my favourite time of the year and yet I feel so disenchanted with life today. For zero reason at all. Why?

Last weekend I was back in Perth and managed to quite fluidly catch up with almost all of my friends still there bar one, see the majority of my family including my cousins new baby (we'll talk about that another time because I cried), and felt like no time at all had passed since I had seen any of them. It's intensely comforting to know that my friends are still exactly that - I didn't see them for a minimum of 6 months and yet it could have been a week. I've never felt so grateful to have the amazing friends that I do, and considering how grateful I usually am that says a lot (note: that's very grateful, my friends are amazing). 

Even at my old house everything was more or less the same and all the pets dived straight for me; the dogs on my bed, my old bed this time, the birds chirping I. English as the where the hell had I been and driving my car again required no awkwardness in rememberence in gears. It has almost been to the day one entire year since I left for Sydney and Perth felt like it had been maybe 2 days. It was safely comforting after what I had been through and I had been so very right in assuming my experience when booking my tickets in the first place. 

So when combined with the death and rebirth, metaphorically of course, that I somewhat experienced in Cambodia spending that time in Perth was like reconnecting with roots. I exorcised or killed off a negative entity, I was reborn in foundation, and I reconnected necessary wires to overall strengthen my rebirth. Like a robot or a house. 

So now my sitting here feeling disenchanted over a glass of wine sort of makes sense: I am rescanning data (to use the robot metaphor) for purpose. I wiped part of the slate clean and it's like writers block as to what I am going to replace it with - do you get me? Sort of an existential 'now what?'

Even just muddling through it makes me feel better already. 

So, what is the next step? 

Obviously snap myself out of it because the best time of the year is coming and I don't have time to be a sap. I have a lot to do and a lot of passion, albeit a little watered down today, with which to do it and I'd best get ready for it. 

Sometimes when you are feeling disenchanted or disheartened or bored with life it's worth sitting down over a glass of wine and pondering why that is, and how to fix it. Everyone is their own hero and worst enemy. You decide which one wins every day (unless of course we are delving into deep mental illness territory in which case for god's sake see a psychiatrist because I can't help you and don't listen to me). 

Sam xox