Every now and then every woman has those days when she thinks 'hooray not pregnant, but now I'm dying' before resuming fetal position and abandoning all plans for the afternoon. This is one of those days.
If you're blessed with regular, easy periods that come like clockwork and are pretty alright to handle then good for you. I'm not one of you. When mine come, always super late and always out of the blue, they hit me like a freight train and bowl me over. They range in intensity, but on a bad day I'm down for the count and sometimes I just wish it would kill me off already so it stops.
It wasn't always like this; there was a time when I'd get it at least every month even if it wasn't always around the same time and although some cramps were worse than others it didn't make me feel like I needed to curl up around a heat pack, take as many drugs as possible and cry myself to sleep. Whether I was just better at dealing with the pain back then or they just hurt less I couldn't really say, only that they were easier days.
Now? Not so much.
Whilst I am grateful when they do come, because they're so few and far between these days it's stressful and highly concerning (the only thing worse than getting your period is not getting your period) especially since I'm not actually having sex anyway, when they do they're so much worse. Maybe it's like my body skips so many cycles it just mashes them altogether into one debilitating super period with mega cramps to knock me out every 3 months instead of every month. I don't even think that's better despite having so much time between them spent a little freaked about what the absence means for my health. Like, what if I'm sick? What if there's something not working properly? What if I can't get pregnant someday? And since they're always so unpredictable I can never really plan ahead because I'm just never sure when to expect it - like the world's worst house guest.
I have no choice but to always be prepared with supplies, and if not have an emergency action plan in place that will probably save the life of whoever is near me at the time. But I can only be so prepared because how can I know I'm upset because PMS or not when I have no flipping clue when PMS is supposed to be visiting? Right now, it's always the week after, always hindsight. I might sit and have a big cry and freak out my depression is clawing back and not know for another 7 days that it was just my hormones flailing about so it'll be ok. I can't know that at the time, only after its all over because it's hard to anticipate when you're fumbling around in the dark.
Give me a clock work period any day.
I have been through tests before, I've asked doctors and I've spoken to almost every female friend that I have about what I can do and what might be wrong with me. Technically? Nothing, but it sucks to be me. I can go on the pill, hope that might work, it was once suggested I see if pregnancy helps (no) but other than that what can I really do?
Sometimes all I can do is curl up with a heat pack, drug up and cry myself to sleep because it's all I can do. I'll joke that at least I'm not pregnant, secretly terrified maybe I never will be, and wish like every other irregular, spontaneous time it would just come normally every month. I'll wait it out, mark it on my calendar and wonder when, if ever, the next time is going to be.
You know, some aspects of being a woman really, really suck. And not just because the organic, sugar-free chocolate is nowhere near as satisfying as the real stuff. Diet periods really are the worst.