Monday, February 9, 2015

Cramp my style

If you're a guy and squeamish on girl things then I suggest turning back now because this is not going to be pretty. 

Every now and then every woman has those days when she thinks 'hooray not pregnant, but now I'm dying' before resuming fetal position and abandoning all plans for the afternoon. This is one of those days. 

If you're blessed with regular, easy periods that come like clockwork and are pretty alright to handle then good for you. I'm not one of you. When mine come, always super late and always out of the blue, they hit me like a freight train and bowl me over. They range in intensity, but on a bad day I'm down for the count and sometimes I just wish it would kill me off already so it stops. 

It wasn't always like this; there was a time when I'd get it at least every month even if it wasn't always around the same time and although some cramps were worse than others it didn't make me feel like I needed to curl up around a heat pack, take as many drugs as possible and cry myself to sleep. Whether I was just better at dealing with the pain back then or they just hurt less I couldn't really say, only that they were easier days. 

Now? Not so much. 

Whilst I am grateful when they do come, because they're so few and far between these days it's stressful and highly concerning (the only thing worse than getting your period is not getting your period) especially since I'm not actually having sex anyway, when they do they're so much worse. Maybe it's like my body skips so many cycles it just mashes them altogether into one debilitating super period with mega cramps to knock me out every 3 months instead of every month. I don't even think that's better despite having so much time between them spent a little freaked about what the absence means for my health. Like, what if I'm sick? What if there's something not working properly? What if I can't get pregnant someday? And since they're always so unpredictable I can never really plan ahead because I'm just never sure when to expect it - like the world's worst house guest. 

I have no choice but to always be prepared with supplies, and if not have an emergency action plan in place that will probably save the life of whoever is near me at the time. But I can only be so prepared because how can I know I'm upset because PMS or not when I have no flipping clue when PMS is supposed to be visiting? Right now, it's always the week after, always hindsight. I might sit and have a big cry and freak out my depression is clawing back and not know for another 7 days that it was just my hormones flailing about so it'll be ok. I can't know that at the time, only after its all over because it's hard to anticipate when you're fumbling around in the dark. 

Give me a clock work period any day. 

I have been through tests before, I've asked doctors and I've spoken to almost every female friend that I have about what I can do and what might be wrong with me. Technically? Nothing, but it sucks to be me. I can go on the pill, hope that might work, it was once suggested I see if pregnancy helps (no) but other than that what can I really do? 

Sometimes all I can do is curl up with a heat pack, drug up and cry myself to sleep because it's all I can do. I'll joke that at least I'm not pregnant, secretly terrified maybe I never will be, and wish like every other irregular, spontaneous time it would just come normally every month. I'll wait it out, mark it on my calendar and wonder when, if ever, the next time is going to be.

You know, some aspects of being a woman really, really suck. And not just because the organic, sugar-free chocolate is nowhere near as satisfying as the real stuff. Diet periods really are the worst.

Sam xox

Monday, February 2, 2015

Reasons I can probably never get married

Aside from the most obvious - I don't actually have a groom - there's more than one reason I can probably never get married. They're things that people have told me, I've come to the realisation on my own, and some that I've seen on the telly. But one thing they all have in common is that it's probably for the best. 

My cousin is getting married this year, my oldest friend, and so the impending drama with her nuptials is what makes me kind of happy to be single. Here a my top 5:


My family is full on. And I know most people would say the same about their own, but you don't hail from an Anglo-Indian upbringing then let me just say that you are going to have to fight off your relatives sending invitations to 500 people you've probably never met. Unless you did meet them, but at the highly ripe old age of three. Seriously. Forget trying to even look at a seating plan and go straight for the buffet because no matter what you do you'll need food for an army and when I picture my wedding I don't like the chances of my literary book theme with canap├ęs, sushi and high tea cakes matching too well with the curries my uncle is no doubt going to tell me he'll cook. It's easier to maybe just not get married.


I have a tattoo on my shoulder. Ye of little faith who think that this one is a joke. Since first stating my intention to have a tattoo of any kind on my shoulder blade, I have been met time and time again with the question of 'what if you get married?' Obviously if I do make it to first base and find a groom, then surely by the time we decide to go for broke he'll know I've got some ink. And even then, how big a deal is it really that my dress doesn't cover the whole thing? Is it bad luck to have the Cheshire Cat peeking over the hem of my gown? Who will care? And yet this is a question I've been met with more than once that leads me to thinking that my ability to wear an amazingly gorgeous wedding dress is vetoed by the fact that I have a tattoo. Of course I couldn't just wear my hair over it, cover it with makeup or have a high-backed dress. I'll just have to remain a spinster.


Two of my best friends want the same wedding theme as me. We have different tastes and ideas of how to pull off our own literary weddings, planned depending on the nature of the literature we'll use as a base. But as the only one of the three of us who is yet to see the light of a relationship, I don't like my chances of being able to have the wedding I want and seeming in any way original. If I go third, then for all I know it would turn into an episode of 4 weddings with my guests wondering who of the 3 of us did it better. Goodbye perfect wedding, hello recycled material. Better keep the books on the shelf. 


I don't want to get married in a church, because I'm no where close to religious. In the 21st century, having a civil marriage ceremony under law rather than God is not that uncommon. People come from all cultural backgrounds so in a multicultural country like Australia no one is actually expected to get married in a church unless their family dictates. Whilst I have never been of that culture, my family has and I have been warned before that my refusal not to marry in a sacred place (read: church) when the time comes would not be seen as acceptable. In fact, I'd be a lot worried it would give my grandad a heart attack. There is little chance of compromise there when I feel so strongly against the church for a venue and my family is staunchly for it, so the best thing for everyone to both stay happy and alive might just be to skip the whole thing. And I've tossed out the idea of eloping before that just about had the same level of disdain in response. My family would just feel robbed. No where to have the ceremony, can't get married.


You can't ignore the people you don't like. It's no ones favourite topic, and it's funnily enough not remembered as much about weddings because everyone is always so blaze and getting along, but I would find sending out wedding invitations a particularly harrowing experience. How do you get away with not inviting the people you don't want to invite? Weddings are a showcase, especially for parents and family, which is why we end up with randoms there you haven't seen since before you were born. But that works the same the other way, and you can't just not invite someone because you don't like them. If they're a friend or friend of a friend it's bad enough because they'll find out, cut you snubbed them and vowing some sort of revenge, but God forbid they be someone you're actually related to be it an estranged uncle or aunt, or step-something you've met once. It might be your day, but did you really think it would just be your friends and close family? Can I hear a hell no? There is a handful of people I know I would actively not want present, but be forced to invite. Better not have a wedding then. 

So sometimes I think whilst watching a bridal series or when I see a gorgeous wedding gown that I can't wait to have a wedding, but when faced with the realities of the situation I figure it's a kindess to have not met anyone. Call me lazy, or controlling, or even a future bridezilla, but I know my own mind and staying single might be the best thing for everyone. Bare necessities, hakuna matata, whistle while you work and all that. 

I'd probably never make it past the first date anyway. 

Sam xox