Ever since I wrote that post on Monday I've been feeling really guilty. But that's not the only reason why.
I wrote that post only with the intention to say that someone said something that upset me and why it was that it did so. I was angry and hurt, but even so I feel like I've done something mean. It wasn't supposed to be, if it was then I probably would have named who it was that I was talking about.
This is just a blog where I ramble about life, love, issues, and my work as a writer. I've always expressed my feelings better through written word than I have by speaking, and it's just a forum to get things off my chest. But I still feel guilty.
I thought of taking it down, but people have told me more than once that there's no need to; it was just the way I felt and not maliciously intended at all. But I still feel guilty.
So I apologise, but that doesn't change the way that what they said really hurt my feelings and writing is the best way I know how to get it off my chest.
On the other hand, I feel a bit guilty for laughing over the apparent misery of an old nemesis. That sounds horrible, right?
We have a very long history, my nemesis and I, but in the past year or so I've let it all go and I don't think about it so much anymore. However, whilst doing my time at the old coffee shop the other day, my nemesis walked in and up to the counter to order. I was a little surprised, I wasn't really expecting to see them, but I didn't really care enough to be angry or upset. I did however struggle not to laugh when they turned to see me, look like they'd swallowed a watermelon and make a hasty exit from the store. I might not have been all that bothered, but they were and, as I found out later, in a particular state of misery lately.
Already on the laughter track every new piece of information only caused me to laugh harder until I stopped, wiped my eyes and consoled myself with the fact that I'm probably going to hell. A friend noted my insidious glee was not at all healthy.
And I own that - that wasn't nice at all, and whatever karmic bitchslap heading my way is probably deserved. So I feel guilty, and rightfully so.
But in my defense - the childish nature of them actively running from me was pretty amusing when I probably wouldn't have done the same.
So like I've said time and again - I'm not perfect. I feel guilty for what I've done regardless of motivation and I acknowledge that I probably didn't act in the best way possible. But isn't life about owning up to mistakes and learning from them?