Saturday, September 24, 2016

Shadow Man

I've grown up always feeling that something has been watching out for me, pointing me in the right direction, and steering me towards my destiny. I believe that things happen for a reason and I always remind myself of that when times are hard for me. I have countless examples of something crumbling to make way for something else, often better.

I believe in Tarot, Karma, Fate and destiny, in addition, as well as that something be it the universe, the fates, a guardian angel or something generally other watches out for me, and has done so my whole life. I have had plenty of down times as well as coming close to death, quite literally, before that I know that my life has a purpose greater than what I sometimes think. I often, in times of strife, remind myself of this.

I also believe in true love, soul mates, happy ever afters and all the Rose coloured romantic ideals that people have criticised me for over and over again. Deep down that will never change, and I don't think it should have to. When I was younger, into my teen years, I used to imagine in the most enchanted and rose-coloured way possible that there was one person out there for me that I'd find someday. The capacity and extent of that has changed as I've grown older as I've previously spoken about in reference to what I call the 'Tanner Syndrome'. When I was a young girl it was the ideal of the Prince Charming archetype - someone to come and save me from me tower like Princess Fiona, if you will. As I've grown older the ideal has matured into something a lot more realistic and less fantastical; I dream about a partner, an equal, someone to challenge me and drive me crazy but to keep me interested as much as I do them.

I still have the ideals of a perfect relationship, and although I don't aspire to meet the Perfect Man because let's face it not only am I not the Perfect Woman (and would thus be hypocritical) but I don't think that the Perfect Man really exists. For that matter I don't want to meet someone who is perfect just perfect for me. Now, this thought process is not without criticism either as it does firstly leave me open to the idea that that man doesn't exist either or could face to my high standards, and it leaves me in the potentially disastrous situation again that my desire for a person to be perfect for me will cloud reality. My latest heartbreak/break up is exactly this example - I don't settle but I managed to almost convince myself that I wouldn't have been doing so. Red alert, people, divine intervention ensured as always.

It's sort of that idea of divine intervention, fate, destiny and all of the above that really leads me to my point today - the previous I'm sure you've heard me explain before. I might have mentioned that I often imagine that Cupid, or Eros, is a real entity still out there that for one reason or another likes to mess with me by always withholding that romantic relationship that I have always wanted. I used to actually speak aloud to 'him' as I would when in a particular location that I deemed to not be alone in - as if referencing a spirit directly. Think of it the same way that people will speak to their animals or to their god. Like a prayer.

Bear with me for a moment while I try to explain that all of these things I've mentioned (fate, guardian angels, perfect man, destiny, the Tanner Syndrome, and Cupid) are all connected and how they've led me to this brewing new story idea.

Imagine that I am definitely correct that there is someone, or something, other that is steering me in the right direction and has been from the beginning. That saved me from death as I have a purpose and points me towards my destiny even at the event of intervening seemingly divinely when I am about to stray. They stopped me from ever managing to be with someone because they are always wrong for me, they send me around the world for different things, I meet different people in different situations that always offer life lessons and wisdom. Every time something happens that threatens to derail my life for good or away from where I am supposed to be heading it seems like this other will intervene.

I almost, 5 years ago, slept with the first person I really loved even knowing he was all wrong for me? Divine, uncontrollable Intervention.

I had a job that I loved but didn't satisfy me and dreamt of travelling for months on end? Job redundancy, pay out to fund travel and suddenly all the time in the world to go.

My best friend moved to Sydney and I wanted to go too? Met some important people by chance and was offered the opportunity of a lifetime which included moving to Sydney.

I was never a huge believer in 'ask and you shall receive' but I definitely believe that my life is heading in a specific direction on purpose and when I look back on instances and things that have occurred I view them as foreshadowing and integral to the plot. That's my writer's brain, of course, but the point is the same.

So imagine that not only is there something, or someone, other that is guiding me personally in this specific direction. That this other turns me away from things that may distract me, like men, and intervenes when I unknowingly enter into a situation that could potentially stall, confuse or effectively derail me from the path that they have set me on. Interesting, right? And then raise the stakes on this in a romantic perspective, given the amount of supernatural romances that I have read, and imagine that this other is somewhere between a guardian angel and that perfect man for me.

Stay with me - I'm trying to explain something quite plainly that could realistically be a fully fleshed out book.

The idea came to me slowly over the years with things like the Tanner Syndrome and more recently a sort of, well, mystery man that approached me over the past year. I won't give you man specifics of this but this is someone that I have come to look to for advice, companionship and generally just harmless fun. You will read this so you will know who you are but to myself and everyone else he is known as Shadow Man. And it was this more recent experience that really drive home this idea more and propelled this back of the mind thought to the forefront of my mind as a story idea.

Image result for shadow manConsider that a woman is always unlucky in love and each time she comes close to thinking she's met someone there is some sort of divine intervention that drives her away. It can be anything, but not necessarily in order to keep her life on track as it does me (although that might add more to the story) but because this supernatural being, sort of like a guardian angel, loves her and turns away men that might distract her or pose a real threat to him. I imagine this 'Shadow Man' as a sort of mixture of an angel, a cupid figure, an immortal and a literal Peter Pan sort of shadow. Just maybe this 'Shadow Man' can never reveal himself for if he does it will end badly for the both of them but at the same time this woman will never meet the man of her dreams because he has already been there all along looking out for her and protecting her, steering her to destiny and purpose. It's almost bitter sweet.

I am generally an odd individual so that theory makes sense to me plus it makes me want to write it. In the 21st century I can't be the only woman to have thought of something like this or something similar - or even the first to have imagined it be conceivable truth.

If you're still with me, and I hope you are, please read on for the first excerpt of this new story idea. Adieu for now.

London, England

                Shadow was too late. He had failed again and for another 100 years the light was going to be gone – he would revert into something he may not be able to control this time.
                He leant against the back wall of the doss Penelope had slept in and struggled to calm himself amidst the unrecognizable grief inside threatening to tear his soul apart.
                Just like last time, 100 years ago, Shadow had brought Penelope to light and the dark had consumed her. This time it had been in the form of the mysterious Ripper that many Londoners still feared, and rightfully show, was out in the streets of Whitechapel searching for another victim.
                Penelope should never have been that victim – Shadow would never forgive himself for letting this happen. He should have never told her who he was knowing that when he did the Reapers would come for her in one way or another. He should have known better that light would always succumb to the darkness.
                The constables came around the corner with gas-lamps in hand and caught sight of where Penelope lay crumpled not far from where Shadow stood. They would not see him, blended to his namesake as he was, but Shadow would see them.
                So he stood and watched as the crime scene was looked over, Penelope covered up, the Inspector wrote notes and eventually, after hours, they all cleared and left Shadow right where he stood. Alone in the dark once more.
                A century or more would come and go before he felt the light again.

Chapter One
Sydney, Australia
Present Day

                When Sirena was a little girl she had had an imaginary friend. Well, she wouldn’t have entirely called the Shadow Man a friend but she remembered that he had always been around, sticking to the shadows so much she had wondered if that was all he was as she grew older.
                By the time she was an adult she had all but forgotten about him as most children did their own imaginary friends. She went to University, travelled the world, and eventually came home to Sydney to settle down for a little while not once considering that a trick of the mind as a child would come back to haunt her today.
                It was 3am, she was very drunk and there was the Shadow Man standing right in her closet looking as shocked to see her as she was him.
                Sirena shut the door with a loud slam, put a hand to her head and moaned. “Oh god, I need to stop drinking”.
                “That might be a good idea,” came the reply from the closet, the sound muffled by the clothes that had no doubt swung into his face. “Your perception is always ironically more acute to me when you are drunk. Or high. Or half asleep.”
                Sirena shook her head woodenly as to not anger the spinning tops residing there and stumbled across to her bed where she fell face down until morning. If there was one thing for sure there was no use in arguing with the man made of shadows waiting in her closet.
                Even with her mouth pressed to the bed sheets her mind just wouldn’t switch off and all she could think about was what purpose the Shadow Man had being in her closet. Was this figment of her imagination trying to tell her that she needed new clothes? Should she go shopping?
                A thought occurred to her and she sat bolt right up like a shot.
                Was the Shadow Man trying to tell her that she should crack out the big guns now that she was single again and to take matters into her own hands tonight?
                The sudden movement made her head swim a little but she hopped off the bed and threw the closet door open again only to find that her little black box of toys seemed to have been misplaced. The Shadow Man, on the other hand, was not.
                No, he stood there still, his body becoming more and more solid by the second as if he was being created from the shadows.
                Sirena pointed a finger in his nose. “Clear off, Imaginary Man, I don’t need you to help me spank it tonight, thank you. Hand me my BoB and no one gets hurt.”
                The Shadow Man had the decency to look pained by her language. “Your Battery Operated Boyfriend? Good lord, I don’t deserve this.” His eyes practically pointed to the sky like a prayer. “Saints, preserve me.”
                Sirena waved an arm in his face. “Hello? I’m sorry? You need to return to whatever recess of my mind and let me carry on with my night – I need some self-loving tonight.”

                With a proper eye-roll this time, the Shadow Man reached forward two fingers and pressed them to her forehead. Instantly Sirena swooned, eyes closing and sagging right into the waiting arms ahead of her.

Sam xox 

Monday, September 19, 2016

Say what you feel: Reprise

If you could say exactly what you feel today to someone you weren't entirely honest with, what would you say? 

I would say:

I love you.

I miss you.

I wish I had never met you.

I wish you had given me a real chance or have been honest with me that your heart was never there to give me. 

I wish I could forget you.

I wish I hadn't wanted it to work so much that I convinced myself that you were real.

I wish I didn't have to be strong and stay silent about it all; I know you'd never understand.

I wish that you would try to understand that the things you said hurt me, and that the things you did cut me. 

I wish I could forgive you. 

I wish I could be content to be your friend, but I'm not.

Those are the things I'd say if I could bear to, and if I thought you would listen. But I have to be strong about this, I can't say what I feel. You wouldn't hear me anyway.

Samtember will eventually wash you away. But even if it doesn't we can always pull Samtober and Samvember out. 

Sam xox

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Trigger Warning

I could sometimes be halfway through a conversation about something and something will set me off about those things I shouldn't be thinking about. I could be having a fabulous time and something will just cut straight to the heart and I will need to take a few moments to breathe and choke back tears that I determinedly refuse to let fall about this again. 

Next time I shouldn't be so gracious when the ex-object of my affection dials out of the blue to compliment me, I think. Whilst it's always nice to have someone tell you that you look great - especially the one who did you wrong - it's not as satisfying being amazing and over them when a stray thought about them or a reminder will hurt. Next time he calls I should just respond with the ever appreciated 'not today, Satan'. Hell knows he deserves that from me.

It's Samtember, after all, so I'm not healed yet even if I am doing everything in my power and flogging my body and mind into a better shape until I am. The hand isn't off the trigger just yet - to him or to myself. But I'm not letting any of that get the best of me.

It's Samtember and in the most confident way possible it's about me - about making me feel good about me. I don't care what those men think that did me wrong, though it gives me a sick satisfaction to know that they can see what I choose to allow them to see. I don't want to think about them, or see them, or have them tell me things that I already know about how great I am. You think I'm beautiful? Funny? Charming? Fun-loving? Passionate? Too little, too late.

Bye Felicia, bye Satan!

Trigger be damned, I'm going to be the only one to pull it in the end. 

Samtember is turning up great for me, I'm feeling better every day and I am not accepting it when it doesn't do me well. I wish it could always be Samtember!

I even weirdly like the pain I'm always in from my work outs and the bruises everywhere from the pole.

Sam xox 

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Why I take Selfies

If you've ever wondered why I seem to take a lot of selfies or have a lot on my phone then the answer is incredibly simple. It is not even that original.

I have grown up with body and self esteem issues that I will most likely never really eradicate. Depending on the day I still will avoid my image in the mirror or avoid looking at a picture someone else takes of me. I don't like my reflection half the time and I definitely don't like to think that other people view me the way I see myself in those images. So as I got older I sort of figured that a little touch of vanity never killed anyone and I would embrace my looks and the way I dressed. A little effort, as my mother will no doubt tell you, goes a long way and the most attractive woman in the room is often the most confident. I didn't have to be beautiful - I just had to tell myself I was and take pride in that. There is nothing wrong in taking care and pride in your appearance if it brings you healthy self esteem and confidence. There is absolutely such thing as overconfidence and too much pride can lead to vanity - but since deep down I sometimes think I'm fat and ugly, I'm timid and shy to those I don't know, and I'm such a nerd sometimes I genuinely outdo myself I really don't think a huge ego is my problem.

Selfie culture has actually been quite a blessing for me, and the front facing camera is revolutionised the way I feel about my own looks. I may cringe at a photo someone else takes of me and secretly hope it burns but there is definitely something to be said about taking a nice selfie when you're feeling a little bad to remind you that 'hey, I'm not too bad'.

No one wants to be the girl who takes all the selfies but I guess I am sort of that girl. I don't post selfies to look like a snob, I don't do it to be vain and I certainly don't do it because I think it makes me cool. I just take them, sometimes post them if I feel like it, because maybe I needed that little self esteem boost that comes from seeing a nice picture of yourself. There's nothing like a picture to show your care and effort pays off to make you feel like it, or you, was worth it!

Some days there's nothing like a little #selfiesteem to make light in a bad situation. 

Just a little 'my personality drives people away, but hey at least I look pretty with that lipstick I bought, yay for me'. 

It's not hurting anyone and it makes a big difference for me.

Sam xox

Friday, September 9, 2016

Lush Luxe

This is just a quick little post to share with you the brand new website that my amazing flatemate (and friend) has put together for her (our) fabulous bath time creations. 

We are open for sale and I test them all out myself, so please check us out if you're tub enthusiasts like us!

Sam xox

Thursday, September 8, 2016


Though I had my eye on someone that could've helped me through this month and beyond m, that went bust. But go figure it did, right? First of all its me, and secondly that would have been way too easy. Help steer me away from a massive  loss with someone fun and sexy? Nah, better nip that in the bud.

So here I am again back at square one with only myself and only myself to blame. I probably came on too strong but it's not as if that hasn't happened before, and in actuality I really just thought we were having a laugh. More fool me in the same spot with the 'more fish in the sea' story and the 'you should learn to enjoy being single'. You know my thoughts on the former there as I've spoken about it before, but the second is both ineffectual and not half a bad idea. 

Sure I should re-learn to be single, return to enjoying it, but it's getting actually pretty boring. Don't get me wrong being single can be great: I don't have to answer to anyone, I can go where I want to and when, I can dance with whomever I please and kiss whichever boy I fancy at the time. But you know I've been single for my entire life and it's been alright, I've done just about most things I've wanted to do (with some obvious exceptions) and I've really appreciated not only the time I have alone but also who I am on my own. I know exactly who I am and what I want from life, and I figured that out virtually all on my own and with the help of people I've met along the way. So I can say that with certainty I would like try something different - yes, you guessed it, with a man.

That's what Samtember was supposed to be about; trying new things, being healthy in mind and body, and getting to know one man whilst getting over another who hurt me deeply. There are major elements still here - I am still getting fit and staying healthy, still trying new things and still doing my best to keep my head above water and get past everything that happened. It's just made harder now without the distraction and the excitement of a new fling - they always say it's easier to get over someone by getting...ah, under...someone else. It is not impossible, mind you, just harder now without that.

So I'm sitting here having a bit of a cry because I'm disappointed, it's not the end of the world but I'm being positive. I just feel kind of like I ruined the opportunity by probably coming on too strong, I lost out on a chance to spend time with someone really great, and that the universe has not only ripped off my bandaid but taken my crutches away now too. Next minute I'll be pushed in a bag of lemon choice and rubbed in a mountain of salt, I feel. 

Good lord, I need a dog. I just know a dog would help so much.

But, look, I can't make anyone want to go out with me. I can't make anyone love me, and I can't make anyone want to spend time with me so even whilst I feel pretty sorry for myself now I know it isn't going to last forever. I'll get through this, I'll get healthier and I'll feel better. 

I'm not positive enough to be thinking well hey, I'll meet someone else eventually because in all honesty I'm really not liking my chances with my personality. I like me so I'm not going to change, and if that means that I'll never find someone? Well that's the hardest pill I'll ever have to swallow but it will have to be done. Hell knows I can't lie to myself again no matter how hard I want things to be different. 

So welcome to Samtember. 

I will be running and dancing on poles and drinking and working hard and leaning on my friends until I feel better. I will never out run my problems and I will only be able to confront them, it seems, head on until I stop hurting or caring. But I am a strong woman; I have come from strong women, faced my fair share of adversity and all I can do is continue to be strong. 

I don't need to 'fix myself' or 'work on' myself, but I do need to just continue being me and enjoying that. For what it's worth I have a purpose, even if I can't see it now and keep reminding myself that I am wonderful, and clearly it's still waiting on me.

Sam xox

Monday, September 5, 2016

Samtember: A Prelude

Consider this a very, very quick teaser.

I am a pole dancer now and together with my September steps challenge, my squat challenge and my general fitness I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. 

If I am able to get out of bed tomorrow that will be an achievement. My everything hurts so much and I feel as still as a board. 

I can't out run my problems, but I can work force my body to work until I don't care. I'll shake my hips and body roll until I feel too sexy to worry about what I've done.

It's going to be a long September. Bit scared.

Sam xox

Block Mode

Facebook is a funny thing.

Sometimes when you hate someone or maybe they're odd, or you have some other reason to want them out of mind and out of sight you have the option to quite literally block them. As far as Facebook is then concerned that you don't exist to them and they don't exist to you. It usually goes without saying that in times of some big bust up the block feature gets a work out as it has for myself in the past. 

Oh over the years I've blocked ex-friends and lovers, I've blocked strangers I don't like the look of trying to contact me, and I've been blocked. One time I had a girlfriend of a male friend of mine hack into his account and block me. Do you see why I don't have many straight male friends? Somehow I am just so crazy threatening! I don't know, it must be my incredible good looks, charm and hot body (can you hear me rolling my eyes?). It's probably a lot more to do with their issues than mine, let's face it.

The most major person I blocked originally about 5 years ago was my ex best friend of 10 years, and to this day she is still blocked to me. Not because I miss her or I'm still angry, but because we have so many mutual friends still that the last thing I really need is to have her suddenly invading my Facebook with her incessant nature like a nuclear blast from the past. She remains blocked indefinitely.

Today I went to block someone for the first time in a long time, let's call her a nemesis for lack of a better term, but after jerking all over the place and not working properly that the profile was still there, I tried my IT Crowd skills and decided to turn it off and on again. Wrong! Now it won't let me block her at all like its mocking me. Who's side are you even on, Facebook?

So lesson learnt, kids. You can't always just delete your problems because sometimes that will come back to haunt you. I can try again in a few more days, but why even have that feature Favebook if you have to go onto a sort of probation when you unlock it? That's not fair. 

Life isn't fair, Sam, life isn't fair.

Sam xox

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Set to Freeze

My post last night is still valid, I stand by it all, except there have been more photos arise since then and I've decided that this can't continue. 

The photo is not good - it's a sketch rather - but it makes me feel like an idiot for even offering a peace treaty at all. He is well and truly taking the piss now so I have decided that am just going just accelerate the process more than initially intended.

He already made his choice; I don't need him, and he doesn't need me, so what's the harm in it? 

I was mad for a bit today but now I'm just kind of over all of this. I took a chance at remaining civil, at least for a bit, but that was my mistake.

Now I'm going.

Sam xox 

Single and Independent Woman

I have twice in the past few days posted something particularly truthful and deleted it after a few days. The first post was a furious cautionary tale and recounted history of me and my 'Snapchat Man' which came at the heels of some horrendous posts on Facebook from the very person who had thrown me over for another woman - I am a very passionate woman so hell hath no fury.

The second post came a few days later when I had had time to not only calm down but completely unravel the situation to the very core with some good friends of mine, only to realise that 'Snapchat Man' and the real man himself were not the same person. The image of my fictional perfect 'Snapchat Man' was truly who I felt that I had been in love with, and I came to terms quite painlessly with the realisation that he doesn't exist. It freed me, a massive weight lifted off my shoulders and I was able to pin-point what it was that I truly wanted. More importantly I was able to identify what I needed just as well as what I didn't want.

The post I deleted tagged on from the original angry post, and although if you hadn't read them the gist effectively was this: I would call a peace treaty, make my terms and expectations very clear, and then I would just wait for what I consider to be the natural future of our relationship with him. Given my history, my beliefs and my views I don't truly think that we can keep a lasting friendship; I laid down the law that I expect to be followed (quite brutally because he had patronised me and hurt my feelings as well as had the gall to laugh me off - he's lucky he's not dead) though it was closure for me. Now that the situation has been broken down and the romance stripped away, what is truly left that is tying us together? After thinking about it for sometime and having my friends question it I had no answer - there is just no niche that isn't already filled that he fits into. So I wrote about the Long Game - the fade to black end to all of it. Just a slow, natural finish to something that my passion isn't keeping alive anymore.

It is not dishonest or mean to say that I don't need him in my life. In fact keeping him close would be detrimental in more way than one and I am rather enjoying the catalyst for change again that crops up in these situations. I already know who I am and I already know what I want from life, I already put a lot of effort into my health and fitness, so what should I work on now? I don't feel heartbroken and I don't feel the need to change my hair or style or personality, or throw myself into a new project. And yet I still feel the change happening from within.

For the first time since moving to Sydney almost a year ago I am blissfully unattached and completely open to new adventure and new romance. There is no 'Snapchat Man' or other lingering men (even the ones I've met here have been deleted from my life as they are damaging, too), and I am almost unsure of how to feel about this. I want to meet someone new and exciting; experience real love. And try all the different things in the boudoir that I have yet to try. I have been making a list and let me tell you it is long. All I need is a willing slave...

I began a new hobby today as well - Pole Dancing. It's always something I'd wanted to try for both the fitness purposes and the huge boost to my self esteem and confidence. Not to mention how incredibly sexy it not only feels but looks. This hobby is not only good for me for multiple purposes but what a fantastic addition to the repertoire, right?

I know that I am worthy of meeting the right man someday to love - really love. Not a girly crush, not a fictionalised image of them, not lust. Real love. Someone who can equal me both in heart and mind, in and out of the bedroom, will make me laugh and understand me. As cliché as all hell I don't need someone perfect, just perfect for me.

He'll be tall and handsome (though beauty is in the eye of the beholder). Smart and funny. Kind and confident. He'll have sizzling throwdown but love to cuddle. Disney must be appreciated and he must love dogs. I'd rather he be here soon because I have waited so long, but I don't think the fact that he isn't means that there is anything wrong with me. I am impatient but worthy and I don't need to be perfect before my perfect man comes along, nor do I need to keep improving myself even though it doesn't hurt.

Life is short, even if you believe in reincarnation, and I can't waste this time that I have to myself to do what I want to do and when I want to do it.

I removed those two posts because writing them had been the real outlet. The first post stopped being valid quickly once I realised my error, and the second I sort of felt guilty about. I may have slayed this man but I'm not nasty - I just don't respond well to those that wrong me and I just don't need him. He got what he wanted but I got closure, and he will eventually realise that you really just can't have your cake and eat it too. I am not angry, I just truly don't believe that we can be the friends he wants us to be because I am not - invested. I want a lover and a partner - that is the niche that is yet to be filled. I have a collection of true friends that I am lucky to have and I wouldn't trade a single one of them. Together with my family they fill every nook and cranny in my heart except one. It will remain empty for now, but it is only a part - not all - of my heart. The truth is that I don't know where he fits in anymore.

There is someone new that I have my eye on - very different to previous - and the thought of getting closer to him excites me. But he is busy a lot and if I have learnt anything it is that if a man is genuinely interested in me he will make the time as I do for my friends, so I will leave it to chance and not try too hard. If nothing comes of it then so be it because that would be his loss - I am a strong independent woman and as much as I'd love a man I don't really need one.

Love has spurned me before but I believe that the right one will come along someday.

In the meantime, why not just have some fun?

Sam xox