Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The burden to stay.

I've got that feeling again when something is just not right. I'm feeling angry and hurt and i feel like I want to yell and rattle the bars on my cage. I'm feeling the frustration boil up all over again and I don't know whether to scream or cry or smash something.

I'm feeling like I should just leave. It's what they want, isn't it? To break me, to run me out of town because they're so intent on believing that what I did was so wrong and such a betrayal!

All the years I've felt trapped in a friendship that did nothing but hurt me and add to the frustration and anger that I'd locked away inside directed to that person, I just wish that I could leave it all behind but I can't. It's still only just happened, I'm still stuck having to deal with it even when I don't care and don't want to.

I'm furious that other friends, like the housemate, got invovled and took sides to block me out. It makes me want to scream because how dare they?! How DARE they presume to know my side of the story and judge me without a fair trial?

I feel like getting in the car and taking off, just getting away from this. Not speaking to anyone or saying goodbye. I want them to hurt too. I'm so tired of always being made the bad guy by this girl.

You are NOT the perfect friend. You DO fuck up, just like everyone else. And I am SICK of you always getting away with being the one who calls it. I am not your faithful dog, I do not come when you call. I may have gone the wrong way about it, but at the end of the day all I was trying to do was help and now you condemn me? Now you rip people from me? You curse me for daring to be upset when you broke my heart and ignored me?

Maybe I should leave. Heck knows I'd love the chance to get away from you.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Repatriation.

I'm procrastinating again - It seems to be easier to do so during the day, and my all-night writeathons tend to be supremely more effective (I'll be up at 3 tonight if anyone's wondering) - but the point is I just took a chance at repatriating something that belongs to me.

Remember the housemate of the now ex-friend having my books? Well, I finally and admittedly cowardishly asked a friend to get them for me. I'm willing to admit that this is not the bravest exit, or is it the most effective, but it's the best I can do right now. I'm really not as blaze or confident and bitchy as I should be to waltz over there and demand them myself, I'm just not built that way. Wish I was, wish I was all that and more, but let's face it, I'm not.

I'm working on getting better though, promise. But you'll just have to forgive me for not doing it when I know I'm either going to get the books back damaged, not at all, or I'm going to get a nasty message of some kind in response. You may think it cowardly, but with everything else on my plate right now I don't particularly want to deal with that sort of negative response directed at me.

I'm hoping that it's books back, no further contact, the end.

What do you think?

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Out of the darkness and into the sun.

Before I get back down to my thesis, I just have to say that everything is fine. Everything is fine, everything is going to be fine, and all the things that aren't are just things that I have to deal with. And I am, truly.

It makes me realise that it is going to take much more than this to break me.

Here's what happened in the end:

The things with my friend didn't get resolved, in fact it took a turn for the worst when I refused to fix anything even still after nearly four weeks out of both pride, anger, hurt and history, so I didn't. And taking the choice from my hands, she elected to excommunicate me. Truthfully, I'm really glad. Not only do I not have to swallow my pride and feelings again to soothe her, but I wanted this. After every fight and hurt, in one way, shape or form, I wanted this. And now I have it and in a way I'm free.

I'm angry, of course, but not for the reason you think. I'm angry because other people let it affect them aswell and excommunicated me also, but then they aren't people I'm close to anyway and don't need them. Clean breaks. It also means that the books I leant to the girl's housemate I will never get back, but at the end of the day they're just books. I can just replace them :)

I'm also angry because they didn't leave without a final attempt to stab me in the chest, which admittedly worked, but also backfired because that hurt far more than losing them. The thought that a friend stuck in the middle would hurt me that way, whether unintentionally on his part or not, was painful and felt unfair because of course the girls knew what they were doing. But fortunately it was just a joke, a sick one and an unfunny one, but still a joke all the same. Not real.

And now that this is all over I can concentrate on getting through my last two months of this semester, and do it well without the worry that they are going to attempt to break me again.

You know, life can suck sometimes, that's always a given for sure, but it's getting back up and brushing off our knees and how we handle it that matters. I have much worse happening to me these days then losing an old friend and having her housemate essentially steal my books. I'll get over it.

Life is good. Life is a struggle sometimes, but it's good. I have family, I have friends, I have a home, I love my study.

And now I'm free.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Angel on your shoulder, but demons in your head.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just remove myself from this world - don't freak out now, I'm not talking about suicide or anything crazy like that. I just mean to leave my life here. Sometimes it just feels like I do more bad than good and even when I think my intentions are good, that I'm trying to help or better others it all falls apart and I'm always in the wrong.

So, I guess what I'm saying is sometimes life makes me feel like if I remove myself from here then those around me will have a better life...I dont know. I'm not trying to be moody and depressing but I'm feeling a bit down today since the things with that friend I mentioned earlier aren't resolved, and I feel like I lashed out at people. In general I feel like maybe I really am the one who's ruined everything again and I just keep doing it.

Sometimes I just don't really know what path I'm on or where I'm going.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Archangels and Demons

I just finished a book about Angels and vampires and the like. It was alright, the third in the series so I knew what to expect, but still not my favourite. It's gotten me thinking about Angels again in a way, and back to the thought that Gabriel has and always will be my favourite of all the Archangels.

Before we go further, let's recap just who the Archangels are.

According to myth, the governing body of all the angels - warriors, guardians, seraphim and cherubim - are the Archangels. There are traditionally 7 of them, although it depends on what you read, and there are 7 demons that parody them in hell or the underworld or the Akashic plains whatever you want to call it.

The 7 Archangels are:

Gabriel.

Michael.

Raphael.

Uriel.

(Now this is where it gets disputed and myth overlaps depending where you are and who you're talking to, but we'll go with the earliest mention in the 5th or 6th century).

Chamuel.

Jophiel.

Zadkiel. 

Now the first four, first three in particular, are those that are the most famous and possibly the oldest. The last three since they've been so disputed and changed all over the place it might be safe to say have been positions given to different angels over time.

I mentioned that Gabriel was my most favourite of the Archangels, and it's still true. The left-hand of God, and messenger to humanity, Gabriel is probably the most commonly represented and celebrated of all the Archangels, save for Michael. I don't know exactly what it is about Gabriel that I'm drawn to - perhaps the romantic image built up in my head by popular culture - but Gabriel has stood to the side, always loyal, never faltering, and forever good. Even when Lucifer fell he never once strayed.

I call Gabriel 'he' here because I believe he is a man, well for not being human anyway, but the truth is no one really knows for sure. Michael is undisbutedly male, as is Raphael, but Gabriel is ambiguous in most of the angel mythology which is funny when I think of it. Regardless, to me Gabriel has always been male. And he has always been the one that I would wish to meet above all else.

Michael on the other hand, is probably the most strong, most masculine, most wrought with male beauty. He is the direct opponent of Lucifer after the fall, the one who fought his brother to protect humanity, and the leader of all warrior angels. He is almost as popular and represented as Gabriel, and is often turned to for strength and power. Loyal to the core, Michael is the very picture of overcoming all obstacles.

So, why is this on my mind today? Who really knows. Is there a point to me blogging about angels? Of course. They are beautiful, powerful, dangerous creatures who are so hidden behind mythology and truth that we don't even always know for sure if they truly are out there or not, and they are so celestial its almost intangible to humans. I wish I would meet an angel someday, because they are the unseen protection against one's self, mind and heart.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Stop following, teasing and robbing.

I'm sure I could think of a thousand different metaphors to describe how love makes me feel. The one I can think of right now, is that in the dark of the night someone ninja'd into the museum of me and stole my heart without even raising the alarm and disappearing back into the darkness without a word.

It's always like that I think; always dropping in from the ceiling, knocking me upside the head and disappearing with an evil laugh before I can grasp it.

It's really not fair, I think!

I wouldn't particularly mind, but it's almost as if some sprite or demon is doing it with the intention to toy with me, and I only wish it would stop.

It makes me wonder if there is some sort of spell or ritual I can do to summon this sprite to me, to find out just what exactly is the meaning behind all this...

Monday, August 8, 2011

Critical Analysis of another kind.

How do you critically analyse the work of the person supposed to be helping you? Sure, they should be used to it by now owning a doctorate of archaeology card, and having been where you are now, but still.

It looks better if you disagree, of course, as long as you have a very valid reason for doing so because they know their work better than you and can at any moment knock you down, but what extent do you disagree?

I'm feeling a little bit in a dilemma now trying to write such a critical analysis on my superviser's work because from that I have developed my research question.

So, help me, because I'm a bit scared.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Writing, writing, writing...

It's an easy thing to say, don't you think, write me 18,000 words. Researched. About something that interests you. Easy right? Sure.

Not.

I'm doing my thesis, archaeology, on something that does really fascinate and interest me, and yet all I want to do is just read my books, sleep, write fiction and spend time in the prescence of my friends...and yeah, that guy. My priorities are right on track, no need to worry about that! I slave away at home, whiling away my free days when I'm not slaving away at my job. Now that Uni is back for the final semester I've even established that hey, my social life is going to get a little non-existant for a while (not really, but toned down by far) in favour of getting everything done and not having a total meltdown in the process. So, there's no worry that I won't be able to do it, do it to the best of my ability, and with time to spare. 

It's just the pure factor that I have to struggle to be focused sometimes, sometimes I need to forcibly return to the passion for the subject that I know is definately in there!

Getting back into the pattern and working around actual semester work is only going to get more difficult, as assignments bump with my thesis, but at the same time it will get easier too as I seep back into my rhythm and set more local goals. I sense some fun all-nighters heading my way, but hey I'm known to write some good stuff at 4am anyway :). 

So, thesis, it's crunch time and you better bring it!

Oh, and before I go - still in the doghouse with that friend not speaking to me from the other day. Life's problems are still harsh (and I'm still covering them with boy drama that I know really doesn't matter to stop more breakdown moments over the things that do), but I'm dealing despite all the people who don't believe me. After all, no one really knows everything but me, do they?

I may be in the doghouse but I got a nice rug and a cup of tea to make it cozy, because that's what you do when thinks suck. When life give you lemons, you ask for salt and tequila, and though I may wear my heart on my sleeves more than many I know - that's the way it is. 

Adios for now then, mis amigos!