Monday, November 20, 2017

Ten Things I Learnt in 2017

2016 was really terrible for a lot of people. We lost some great people like George Michael, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Prince and David Bowie. We had Brexit, we had Trump elected president and for god's sake we even got a trailer for the horror movie that would have been the whole year. Things were so crazy that with only a few remaining days in December we had Fund Me accounts set up to protect Betty White from 2016.

In all fairness, I've had worse years than 2016. Worse New Years Eve's perhaps not, but by far I've had some craptastic years in the past. 

2016 for me was kind of a long list of firsts; new experiences, new people, new friends and so many memories I can't even begin to count them. It was varied, it had colours and it was a great year for me as I was settling into my new life in Sydney. 

2017 on the other hand seems to feel a lot like it was more of a blue/grey. At least when I reflect on it today.

So, to get this thing started, let's start with the biggest thing that I learnt in 2017:

1. Finding someone to love will not solve your issues with insecurity.

I know that this seems super obvious, and in truth I always sort of knew that this was true already, but this is the first year that I have ever really had any real experience with a relationship. I am in the first proper relationship I have ever been in (romantically, I mean) and so with that have come the very real adjustments I have had to make as a result. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the person that I am with. I hope he doesn't read this and freak out, but I can really see a future with him. I feel, for the first time in a long time and in a different way, that I am finally feeling something that I have spent my entire life hoping to feel. I feel loved and loved in return. But he isn't a unicorn - he can't instantly fix all of my problems irrespective of whether they are external or internal, and that I suppose is something I have never truly appreciated before now. 

My biggest issue with commitment stems from my own insecurities. I am forever terrified that I will never be enough. I will never be the smartest, have the best body, be the most fun, or be the most relaxed. I may never be the best in bed, I may be dramatic and I may even be clingy from time to time. I will always do my best to be above my fears and to be the best person that I can be, but for god's sake I will never be perfect. 

The most important lesson that I have learnt relating my insecurities and for handling that anxiety, at least personally, is that sometimes you just have to keep calm and carry on. Really, that's what you have to do. 

My fear is that he will find someone he thinks is better and he will leave me - that's terrifying for me. Its happened to me before and it hurt like hell - and that was a much lower level of care from me back then. I will survive if it happened, but I really don't want to have to because in 27 years I genuinely feel like I've had my share of that kind of hurt. 

So, I have to trust. Be positive, be honest, communicate and just trust. 

I'm on a new planet, this is new to me. 

2. Sometimes you have to fall and its hard to get over it. 

Something that I started in 2016, in my year of epic firsts, was pole dancing. It has been phenomenal for my strength and fitness but also for my self confidence. In 2017 I have managed to do a lot of things that I never would have been able to before; things like film myself doing a Chair and Lap dance routine that made me feel really sexy and I had fun doing, in spite of how my body looks in reality. 

I do technically have the body of Venus (see Botticelli), though that isn't what is considered beautiful in 2017 and it has taken 27 years of working on it for me to be ok with that. And so I am. 

But what I found in 2017 after diving right into the world of Pole with a passion, is that when you fall you can hit a plateau in learning and that is so hard to move past. 

During practice on a move I had done plenty of times before, I fell from an inverted position and although I didn't really hurt myself much more than my pride, what has been the most affected is my fear of falling. This very real problem has been obstructive for me in pushing through and reaching new heights and nailing new positions. 

I am not over it still even though the fall itself was months ago and I am increasingly frustrated by my stilted ability to progress more. Unlike Martial Arts there is no test or new belt earnt, though in Pole there are pre-requisites for each higher level that really just aim to gauge where you at in your learning and how you will fare in the higher levels. You can't be a beginning in a level 5 class, and you wouldn't want to be because if you're anything like me you will probably just feel embarrassed. No one wants to be the worst student in the class. 

But every time I go to practice I remind myself that I won't feel this way forever. Eventually, if I keep trying and keep working hard, I will overcome that fear of falling. It is all in my head, after all. 

3. My desire to read was strongly linked to my need to escape. 

It is not as if 2017 as a year has been much busier or with more going on than usual that I was stuck into, but one thing I have noticed even if times were hard was that I always felt like I was actually living. Whilst 2016 still had that romantic element of being new in Sydney and touring, by 2017 I was established here - this was my life now, the real world. 

Every single year since I was in single digit age, I have read heaps of books. I've been tallying the amount over about the last 10 years and on average I can read anywhere from 50 to 100 books - depending on what I read and how long it takes me. In a year that I read a larger book, take Stephen King's IT, for example, which takes me an entire month to get through it may be towards the lower end of the scale. But this year, 2017, I will be stretching to read even 35 books for the entire year - that is an incredibly low amount for someone like me.

For the first time in my life, even if things weren't always great, it always felt like I was living. This was life. With the exception of 2016 and 2014 when I lived in perpetual Wonderland, every other year has mostly felt like just waiting for my life to begin. 

When you feel like you're living in Limbo, it isn't strange to reach for books about fantastic far off places, or passionate romances, or even horrifying subject matter to make you feel more alive. There is a reason that the concept of 'living vicariously' exists and it really is to experience things that you otherwise wouldn't. 

2017 might not have been the best year I've ever had, and it definitely wasn't the worst, but it was but for whatever reason it never really felt like I wasn't living. Almost ironically in some cases, to tell the truth. Nonetheless however I did not read anywhere near as much as I usually would and even though the why of that makes some sense to me, I am still a bit ashamed of that. I don't like that I didn't read - that is not who I am. 

I might have to try a little harder coming into 2018.

4. It hurts to be bullied, alienated and to lose friends at any age. 

I have been bullied before. I'm that sort of person, I can be submissive and I have more than once been a target for manipulative and dominant personalities to bully and occasionally push into doing things I don't want to. I don't mean doing bad things or taking drugs I don't want to take, not that sort of things. I mean apologising when I shouldn't have to, being made to feel guilty when I don't deserve it and being upset for the way that I am treated. I can name at least a handful of people in my past that fit the criteria. 

This year the bully in question is someone that I genuinely used to like, admire and respect. Not so much anymore. Or rather I think they are an absolute wanker and I have zero nice things to say about them personally. 

The frustrating thing is that the reason they have decided that I deserve to be bullied and treated poorly isn't even to do with me. They decided to hate on me because someone that both the bully and I were close to had a falling out with said bully. Not because of me, but because of the relationship dynamic between them. Apparently simply by association, and by misinformation of something I supposedly said (I guarantee you it was out of context), I'm copping the backlash and have become an outsider at my own place of work. However true it turns out to be or not, I am additionally feeling as if I have lost friends that I used to feel close to. That really sucks, especially when I don't deserve it. 

Even at 27, being bullied and being alienated (especially at work) takes a big toll. The past few weeks have been digging me into a depression that I am frantically trying to backpedal away from. I can't change those peoples' opinions of me, I can't force them to like me again or be my friends again, and I probably will never feel as comfortable at work again. But what I can do, or at least try to do, is to let it go. 

It doesn't feel easy right now especially when people I used to feel so close to seem to not want much to do with me, and that's a hard pill to swallow, but what else can I do?

Now, just a note regarding the bullying aspect in the workplace - bullying is never ok irrespective of whether it happens at work, school or socially. I did speak to someone about it and that has been helpful, but the reason I mention it is because no matter how much you rally against it the damage is usually already done. Bullying is psychologically damaging no matter how you look at it and it is no less so for an adult than a child, nor is it any more acceptable to lose friends and alienate people in the process.

5. I am still not ready for children.

When my mum was the age that I am now she already had me and was probably pregnant with my younger brother, and I'm only 27. That doesn't seem super strange as an age historically, but in 2017 when statistically people are waiting longer to start families that seems so young to me. 

My mum got married at 23 and had me by the time she was 25. I'm 27 and I don't have any clue what to do with babies when people had them to me. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it and over the past few years my initially nonchalant fear of pregnancy has increased at least tenfold. Not the least perpetuated by the sudden amount of women around me with babies or pregnant that seem to be popping out of the woodwork. I'm very happy for all of them, but I can't deny that it is freaking me out. 

I have pretty much always wanted to have kids. I am not always maternal and I rarely feel 'clucky', but I have always considered that I would have my own children someday when I was ready for it and with the right person. Secretly I am hopeful that I found the right person but I am so far from ready I don't even really know where to begin. 

I don't really see myself as an adult all the time. Though steamrolling towards 30, I don't feel like the kind of adult I always thought I would need to be before I had my own kids. At most I feel like I'm masquerading as an adult and when they realise that I'm a fraud maybe I'll get into some trouble. I can't be trusted to raise a child - I feel like I still am one! I'd argue that my generation has had the most extended childhood in history and that that is not inherently a bad thing, but it is simultaneously concerning to me that I feel like I am reaching an age that I should do things that I am really not ready to do. 

Mixed with the fact that I am already arguably pretty young for my age I wonder when I will be ready to have kids and if I should start to be worried by the way that I feel. 

It is not all my inability to 'adult' that makes me feel so unready, but also the fact that my job isn't very satisfying, I don't have much money saved, and that I live in a share house that also logically makes pregnancy seem like a bad idea. I am not financially stable to support myself and another human on my sole income, I'll have to find somewhere else to live if I have a baby and I don't have someone to babysit when I go back to work. I can't go on maternity leave at half pay - I can't afford to pay my rent let alone by any food!

I change my mind every week but what frightens me really ranges between the thought that I don't want a baby yet, that I should be more mature, that I could be running out of time now, and that I am not established enough for my age. The thought of unplanned pregnancy gives me some wicked anxiety but then I don't think that's changed much over time. 

6. You can become afraid of illness. 

I've been sick and injured quite a bit this year, like a lot more so than other previous years and I worry that I might have become a buddy hypochondriac in response. I practically live at Chemist Warehouse and I'm obsessed with taking vitamins now in a way I never have been before. I want to become bionic and impervious to sickness and pain which logically is impossible without becoming part actual cyborg. Not a logical solution. 

For the first half of the year I was sick alot. What started as a cold morphed into a long lasting lite flu and eventually became a chest infection and apparently now I have asthma. No, really. 

The worst time for this sickness really was back in May/June whilst I was away in Jordan and Israel. I wasn't 100% before I left but Jordan especially was really difficult and I experienced one of the toughest days travelling in my entire life that I genuinely did not think that I would be able to continue on. I was in Petra, one of the seven wonders of the archaeological world, and I felt so ill and defeated that I did not think that I would be able to make it. 

It was hard but I forced myself in the end and it was worth it even if it didn't do much for my recovery. I took so many painkillers and anti-inflammatory tablets over the course of the week that I started to feel kind of sick in a different way and I had so many mouth ulcers I could barely eat. 

When I got back I had the antibiotics and then the probiotics and the asthma medication. I had x-rays and sleep medication because I'd become lightly insomniac too. Plus all the medications for the other medical things I don't really want to mention because they're embarrassing. Then all the pole-related muscle injuries, the tail bone injury from falling down the stairs and the really fun weekend I spent in agony with back muscle spasms.

My mum tells me that every now and then the body will just take a bit of a hit and you will have streams of bad luck with health. I may have suffered a bit but at least the issues that I've had haven't been permanent or fundamentally damaging. Painful, inconvenient and frustrating for sure, but at least I am still alive and I haven't crippled myself just yet. 

7. Show business extends further than you think.

Back in about April I had the misfortune of being picked out of the crowd to, what I would later come to understand, be the villain for a radio reality piece. 

I've never spoken about it publicly except on the radio because it was a pretty horrible experience at the time, but I had to make the decision to take or give a sum of money. I spent a very stressful 48 hours thinking it over and seeking advice, only to have to make the hard decision to keep the money. Weighing up all of my options I realised that I could use the money to help more people, not just myself, than if I gave it away. I was also informed prior to giving my decision that no matter what I decided that the other person was going to be looked after, and I made it part of my agenda to also offer them support as well. 

Of course, doing something like that will divide a lot of people in the public and for about a week or two after the broadcast I strongly avoided the radio stations posts. I did not want to see the nasty comments that I heard second hand were there. Really nasty things too like the suggestion that I should jump of a bridge or do myself similar harm. 

As much of a villain I may have come across to the public who lacked context, the other person came off much better and managed to crowd fund significantly more money than they would have received from me. They also were made to look like a complete angel and/or victim in comparison to my supposed selfishness. What most people don't know is that I gave away most of the money that I received which had been my goal in taking it at all - I managed to help people that I hadn't been able to before and that made a huge difference for them. And though I did keep some for myself it felt more like feeble payment for the pain the entire social experiment had caused me, or rather a little blood money for playing the role they'd cast for me. I wasn't the hero, giving the money up wouldn't have made me look great to a bunch of strangers, but being the villain allowed me to help more people including the person that on the surface it seemed I was taking from. 

My point here is that take anything you see or hear in the media that purports to be 'reality' with a grain of salt. Its very easy to assume and to run your mouth off about someone you don't know without knowing their context. I had to learn that the hard way though it was certainly once in a lifetime experience!

8. I don't know what I want from life. 

Growing up I used to know the basic things and the fantasy things that I wanted in life: To fall in love, get married, have a daughter, have my own place like Bridget Jones' apartment, be a kick-ass archaeologist working at the British Museum who got to go on adventures not unlike Indiana Jones. 

Being an adult now I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, how or when. Should I have kids and be married by now? Is it ok to not be working in archaeology anymore, and if so, what else do I want to be doing? 

I'm not satisfied with my job these days and in all honesty it is because, with all honesty, I feel it is a little beneath me. I think that I am smart, I definitely work hard, and I want to make a difference in some way. I'm also passionate at the core so by not feeling passionate about what I do feels like a big waste to me. I'm sure the feeling is not unknown to my generation, but its hard not to feel like my creativity, passion and intellect that I've worked so hard to have and am so proud of is kind of wasted in my job. I wish that I knew what I wanted to do for work now but whatever is right for me needs to leave me with at least a little satisfaction. 

Considering how many hours a week we spend at work I don't think its wrong to want to be satisfied, at least sometimes, even if you can't always enjoy your job. 

I just don't know what the hell I want to do anymore and maybe I need something like a spirit quest to figure that out. 

9. Credit cards aren't as scary as I thought. 

I have never had a credit card before this year and considering I have been scared by the concept of debt and debt collectors, other people's bad credit card experiences and the portrayal of them in films its not really that bizarre that I never had one before. Easy debt by spending money that belonged to the bank, and not myself, seemed like a really bad idea that could so easily get out of hand. What if I got into big debt? What if they repossessed my car? 

Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I actually kind of like my credit card. So far it seems to be making me life a bit easier. I've done my Christmas shopping already and on my way to paying it off the quickest I can. Combined with my fantastic new budget, having the credit card has actually given me the ability to better control not only my spending but also my life a bit better. Of course, assuming that I don't happen to freak out and make it rain on something I don't really need unless its a legitimate emergency. 

10. Christmas really is magical. 

I've always loved Christmas, and it has always had that magic quality to it when it comes to December no matter where I was in the world. 

I've spent years away from home though this year I am excited to go back. I do need the time away from all the BS that I have been through lately. 

There really is a reason that so many Christmas movies are based around learning lessons, recapturing the meaning of Christmas or love or family, and dreams coming true. Christmas is clean, wholesome fun in most respects and something about it always fills me with excitement and a sort of sense of renewal and rejuvenation. Think of it as reverting to your inner child for a bit of a wash and dry before going back out into the world for a new year and giving it another good try. 

Its also why people who hate Christmas or have traumatic Christmas memories or are family-less or homeless are so heartbreaking. Christmas is for miracles and heartwarming experiences, not misery. Its a very different holiday to Halloween and that's part of why I like them both so much. 

Somehow no matter how old I get it still feels magical to me. This year especially since the season is barely beginning and most of the stress and anxiety of Christmas shopping is over, I have my little tree up and I added some new Christmas songs to my growing collection. 

I also really feel like I need it; Christmas feels like a warm blanket coming over me on a cold night - its comforting and helpful. I hope that it never changes for me. 


It is November now and I am crawling towards the end of the year like a wounded dog with my tail between my legs. I feel physically and psychologically beaten, desperate for the sweet relief of the Christmas season and very prepared to turn over a new leaf for 2018. 

I cant change what has happened this year and it absolutely wouldn't be right to do so. I can shake off the trauma of this year, bury the dead relationships I couldn't save, and welcome the birth of a new opportunity to continue my everlasting tradition of attempting to better myself and be a good person. 

As premature as it seems with still about 6 weeks of the year to go, here are some goals for 2018:

- Make a new friend
- Find a new job / a new career passion
- Don't let bullies get to me
- Continue to learn from my mistakes
- Work to overcome my fear of falling/hurting myself and progress with Pole
- Work to be less fearful of my health (but continue to look after myself)
- Manage my insecurities and how they affect my relationships
- Learn a new skill
- Read more 
- Write more
- Save money for my future (whatever that may be)

The list is pretty open to some creative interpretation in some areas, but I hope it makes a bit of sense. I'm not a perfect person, as I'll never cease to say, but I'll never stop trying to be the best me that I can be regardless of how hard, at times, life can get me down. 

I'm a Gemini after all - I'm a dual personality. If you think you have me figured out, then guess again.

Sam xox

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Maccas Delivery

I'm going to start here by warning all parents and parent figures away. I'm telling you right now that if you continue, you'll likely regret it. 

Now that that's over, let's talk about MacDonald's. Or if you live Down Under, like me, 'Maccas'. I think every country has it's own nickname for the Golden Arches, but that's ours and has been for years. Its usually a point of call on a night out or the morning after, a late night snack, comfort meal or even just the old 'I don't even care' dinner. When we were kids it used to be an after school or weekend treat, usually to get whatever cool toy was in the Happy Meal that week, but it was really mostly about the fact that it was bad for you but you got to eat it. The foods that are worst for you always taste so good; like you'll sit there eating thinking about how bad it is for you but it tastes so good that you don't care. What can we say - sometimes being bad feels so good. Its human nature. Doing something you know is wrong is virtually, in a sense, the Original Sin. Even though I'm not religious and I sort of think you have to take that kind of thing with a truckload of salt. 

Speaking of, the salty flavour of fries combined with soft serve anyone? 

As I've gotten older there has been so many changes and additions to the fast food chain depending on what happens to be en vogue at the time. Like when Super Size Me came out and Maccas was suddenly forced to start including healthier options, declare calorie content in each food item and disband the whole 'Super Size' thing they never did in Australia to begin with. It was a pretty massive change and with revolutionary breakthroughs in the health and fitness industries people were a lot more conscious of what they were eating than ever before, and for many of us the guilty pleasure of Maccas wasn't enough to sustain eating it blindly anymore. I myself even went off it for that very reason - not that I ever did get skinny anyway. 

Another rather revolutionary business venture that the big M has come out with in the last few years is of course, you guessed from the title, home delivery. Now I don't even have to get out of my pyjamas to eat my Maccas or get out of my comfy blanket to procure it in the first place. I could have done that back in WA - just bundled myself into the car - but living in Central Sydney I can't walk the few kilometres to the nearest store in my fuzzy slippers without a few odd looks. Even in Newtown that's still weird during the day. 

So Macca's home delivery is something I've used a few times now, and man is it satisfying. My hot nuggets come to me and I can enjoy them from the comfort of my own bed whenever I want. They even remember to include the sauce.

I will say one thing though, and that's Maccas is and has always been busy. Especially on a weekend morning when chances are some hungover person is using that home delivery like its going out of style - I've been there. 

So, let me tell you a little story.

A few weeks ago after a night out, the UnBF and I decided we could go for some all day breakfast, nuggets and burgers. So, we ordered it online through an app (I won't say which, but you've probably used it before if you live in the city) and waited. Order confirmed, excellent. ETA received, awesome. Food never arrived. By the time it had almost been 2 hours I was getting hangry (that's the hungry kind of anger when I'd sell you to your devil for food), and more pointedly so was the UnBF. He was the perfect mixture of hungry, angry and hopeful but was quick to get on the phone and discover that Maccas had decided to cancel our order because they were too busy to deliver it. Only they didn't think to let us know. 

We got a refund and drove to another Maccas, grudgingly so because it had been hours now and we were starving, and were not opposed to telling Maccas what we thought about them charging us then neglecting us. Plus when we got back to the house we were locked out - so there's that. And to make matters even better my antibiotics and inhaler were still inside - I was not feeling good when I finally got back inside. 

That's your context there; we were hesitant to order delivery again after being so badly burned the time before and figured we would take the chance. We had a fail safe in that we'd ring around the ETA to see that it was definitely coming. When you resign yourself to wanting nugs you want your nugs, it's heartbreaking if they just don't show up. There's such a thing in 2017 called the Nug Life, and you don't choose it - it chooses you. We ordered but there was still that fear that maybe those sweet nugs wouldn't arrive like the last time,  and what could we do if they didn't? A refund wouldn't replace the void left by those nugs never turning up for a second time. 

I guess you could then say that when we got the ETA we figured we may as well relieve the tension a bit. 

PARENTS STOP READING - I've told you already!

So, yeah, ok, we may have indulged in each other while we anxiously waited to hopefully indulge in our nugs. There's nothing like a little shag to make the time go quicker. 

The Maccas delivery man, who arrived 45 minutes early, probably didn't agree. 

My room is right at the front of the house, my window was ajar for the fresh air, and yes, our Nug lord and saviour probably heard more than he'd bargained for. At least he didn't see anything...That I know of. So maybe the fable here is somewhere along the lines of the dangers of technology and being careful what you wish for. Oh we got out nugs for sure, but that might be the last time that delivery man comes to my house. 

You could say that our nugs did arrive this time and it was glorious. But we didn't. 

Sam xox

Friday, June 16, 2017


This isn't the first time that I've mentioned that I am superstitious at times and that I have a strong belief in things like the supernatural (and I don't mean the show), the afterlife, spirituality, etc (though not religion). This isn't the first time either that I've blogged about something creepy that has happened to me, that I've felt or that I've otherwise experienced. In case you were wondering this is indeed your pre-warning that this is going to be another one of those posts, so if you have some fundamental issue with that then maybe don't continue reading. I speak from experience both in what happens to me, how I feel, and the nasty reactions to my personal thoughts that other people have had in the past. Consider yourselves warned that many of you will only think I'm crazy.

We all know that I gave up ages ago in apologising for going so long between each post, or going on sudden hiatuses. I'll spare you the sulk there though I will say it has been a particularly unexciting few months for the most part - I've mostly just been sick, injured or stressed and ready to rage quit my job. Not the most uplifting or positive period though I did go on holiday - but that's another story and I'll get to that.

To begin I want to tell you a little story based on a dream I had a few nights ago; it was the kind of dream that freaked me out enough that it woke me up which really doesn't happen to me often. There are not many dreams that I can remember that have actively frightened me - disturbed or upset, perhaps, but not frightened. Most of my nightmares happen when I'm awake.

My dream took place either in the present or the not-too distant future. I and my UnBoyfriend (that's still what we're calling him, its complicated) were visiting a historical complex similar to a church or cathedral. I couldn't say where it was in the world or what sort of culture except that it was a large complex and contained statues including those from Christian/Jewish iconography such as the Virgin Mary. As a twist though they were dark stone, possibly basalt or something similar, and almost geometric styled. For example, the Virgin Mary, as the most memorable statue in my dream, seemed to be almost the shape of a sarcophagus - like a post-modern interpretation.

The two of us were taken through the complex by a guide who explained to us what the statues were of and when they were created etc. When we came to a doorway I couldn't go any further; there was something about it, I could hear things - sort of like the 'Get Out' moment in the original 1970's Amityville Horror. After looking around and very quickly becoming distressed, my UnBoyfriend was quick to point out that the only was out was through the very doorway I was so afraid of - dream logic isn't real logic, I have no idea why. Fortunately though it did work and I got out of there in tact.

It doesn't end there, and in true dream fashion there was a time jump of maybe an hour or two which then saw us at the front entrance to what was either a gift shop or cafe. We had been speaking to some security or police officers about what we had experienced. UnBF had his back to me and as he was speaking the tone and inflection of his voice totally changed along with what he was saying. As this happened he turned to face me, his face morphed as well to that of an angry, supernaturally demonic older man not un-similar to the Bill Wilkins character in the Conjuring 2. That might have been in a movie which is fine on screen, but to have that kind of creeper dive right for you, dream or not, is horrifying though that isn't the part that woke me up.

The part of the dream that woke me up was right afterwards; the security guards grabbed UnBF and dragged him off before he could do any real damage, but as they did he went back to normal and the demonic kind of face that I had seen transferred to a ball that was knocked off a shelf and to the floor. It was gone in an instant, but I was left shook and said - which still resonates so clearly in my mind - that 'there's evil here'.

It's a very movie moment sort of line but it woke me up, heart racing, in deep night and it took me a while to get back to sleep when I already find it so hard to fall asleep in the first place. There's more though to it that perhaps makes it bother me so much more than it should.

I returned from the UK last Monday, still sick as I had been since probably around the time of my last post in March albeit on and off. I was due back in the office on Wednesday but only made it a half hour before being sent back home to bed where I stayed the rest of the week, through the long weekend and finally made it back to reality the Tuesday just gone. I had a good time away, and I will post about it soon, but the trip threw me for a loop and my sometimes sickness really hit me hard.

The reason that I mention this is because as I said I was mostly housebound for about 7 days after I got back to Sydney, and the cocktail of being antibiotic-level sick, jetlagged, post-holiday blue and PMS suffering really left me feeling kind of craptastic for the majority of the time. Weird, creepy shit always happens to people who are not on their mental or physical game - its a movie trope, I promise.

I don't know what got me onto it in the first place or when, but for a little while now I have been getting progressively more and more uncomfortable with a particular room in my house. Its actually locked so that no one can get into it as its a private little area for our landlord if he has guests come to stay, but you can see inside it to the foyer part of it as the room itself has glass walls like a fish bowl. In the foyer is a dining table, some bookcases and a staircase up to the main part of the room which is kind of like a converted attic loft. Its the staircase, really, that bothers me the most.

The other night I got up at around 4 in the morning to use the bathroom, as we do, and had to pass the fishbowl to get there. I didn't turn on the light, so on the way back I was given quite a shock to see sitting on the staircase what seemed to be a little boy. It gave me a jolt and I quickly ran back to bed to hide under the covers, telling myself I'd been dreaming. But in bed under the covers, arms around UnBF like a teddy bear, I could still feel the odd cold and feel the presence of someone, a little boy, right behind me. I even heard him speak though I was too afraid to listen.

I'll take with a grain of salt that even though I believe I am still a little sceptical, but that comes from a place of fear more so than anything. I want the things that go bump in the night to be real, and I think that they are, but I am afraid of them. I always feel that I am right on the verge of seeing much more than I want to.

I feel much better than I did last week though I am still afraid of the fishbowl. I turn all the lights on at night now and though I feel well I still feel vulnerable. I suppose I'm the only one that can fix that. No one can save you from nightmares though, and there can be a million interpretations for what they mean.

Sam xox

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Harley & Joker

This is not going to be a popular opinion given the hype that arose after last year's Suicide Squad came out, even if the movie as a whole is not widely considered to be that good. 

But what the hell does everyone see in Harley Quinn, and for that matter the Joker, and their whole manipulative messed up relationship, that is so great? 

As a comic book, or a cartoon series, yes they make great villains and are definitely colourful to watch, but translated to the big screen the result is disturbing as hell. It's an abusive, frightening bad romance to the max and I just don't get it. 

In a modern world of pop culture when people are so ready to take up their pitchforks against the very poorly written 50 Shades series and it's depiction of abuse, why are people so seemingly accepting of Harley and Joker in Suicide Squad? I don't get it. 

Now the Joker has never been my favourite Batman villain - I tend to think I prefer the more fun ones like Poison Ivy, the Riddler and Catwoman - but I can respect that the Joker is often seen to be one, if not THE, of the Bat's arch nemeses. I couldn't say exactly where it began, not being an avid comic book fan, but if it was before Tim Burton's 1989 epic with the character played by the amazing Jack Nicholson then I would like to know. Nicholson, famous for playing Jack Torrance in the Shining (which was amazing), plays the Joker in a dark, yet true to form cartoon villain and gangster. Harley doesn't make any obvious appearance in the film, but it is a great antithesis into the mentality and creation of the Joker - much more faithful than the later Heath Ledger (RIP) adaptation almost 20 years later. 

The thing about the Joker is that he is a manipulator. He was a mob boss before his acid accident, and after that when he was truly insane he became the worst kind of villain - he would kill you in inventive ways and laugh as he did so. Plus he was iconic in his character design like all comic book villains were, that he was purposely drawn to appear like a clown. Clowns are after all a very American phobia, and the Joker was a very American villain he may as well have been Al Capone in drag. 

The Joker didn't start out to be, but has become the Bat's most notorious nemesis because he is so manipulative and how he goes about it. Every plan he comes up with is insane and would have required so much foresight Poirot would have struggled to solve his crimes if he didn't tell all at the end like a Bond villain. The Joker's ego is arguably his one weakness. His manipulation is so strong with Harley that he entire character genesis consists of the Joker pulling the strings; she exists because he made her, not because he loved her. We should feel sorry for her as a victim not want to be like her.

What is it about 2016's Harley Quinn that has so many people excited? Kudos to Margot Robbie because she is a babe, but surely there has to be more to a character than how she looks in tiny shorts for us to be impressed. Or at least I sincerely hope there needs to be because though I can appreciate an attractive person she's still annoying as all hell. 10 minutes in her company I'd have triggered either her nano bomb or my own just to be away from it. 

Is it that she's so hardcore? Granted seeing a woman kick ass is always great, but Harley Quinn's badassery, at least in Suicide Squad, is complete overshadowed by her relationship with the Joker in flashbacks. It's through these that we learn how she came to be and it's this genesis that confuses me the most by how obvious it is. Harley is a product of abuse, plain and simple. She falls in love with the wrong man who manipulates her for his own gain to get what he wants - and it never stops. He's physically abusive - in all adaptations - he's egotistical, cruel, and leaves her behind to take the fall in just about every situation. Yet Harley is completely overcome by him; everything she does is determined by his opinion, his stance and his actions. What about that is so great? Where does the role model aspect come in that I seem to keep seeing? 

Is it because that at the end of the day for all her psychotic nature and action she just wants to settle down with the Joker and have babies? She's relatable? Isn't that what women warn each other about in trying to change their man and thinking that they're the exception all time? 

In 2017 why are we suddenly looking up to a female figure who prances around in tiny shorts, literally went insane for her man and their bad romance, kills people, throws over her comrades at the first opportunity, and should be locked up in an asylum til the end of time. Why would you want to be like Harley Quinn? She's not feminist, she's not a positive role model - she's just a crazy hot chick. The kind of crazy hot chick that we shouldn't elevate like we do. 

Like I said I can appreciate that Harley is hot, she's a bad ass, and Margot Robbie is pretty great. But for me, that doesn't change the fact that Harley Quinn is a horrible role model, batshit crazy and a complete pain in the ass. 

Don't forget guys, Harley Quinn was still written by men and not with women's best interests. Don't let it fool you. 

Sam xox 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

You who drive fate and send the signs, point me in the right direction, or the wrong one as may be, and lead me to my destiny will know that it is another time of somewhat change. 

I am moving house, I mentioned that briefly a few days ago, and it is a positive move. The housemate turned friend I have lived with the past 18 months and are still friends, however circumstances have changed and we have decided that now is a good time to separate. The decision wasn't initially mine but the potential opened up a lot more freedom, possibility and positive energy that we had needed not only for our relationship but myself personally. As the house is due to undergo some major renovations in coming months and our neighbours have recently had an empty room, it seemed best for me to move. Whilst the move is only to next door (easiest house move of all time that suits me just fine) the positive outcome will be huge. Especially, as I've said, for my soon-to-be former housemate and I - our relationship has occasionally hit rocky times due to our differing natures, approach to life and current values. For example I am very social, outgoing and extroverted, she is not and there's nothing at all wrong with either but it might be better to have each of our own space now. We won't lose our friendship but we will gain a little more independence of each other, and I think that that's a good thing. 

The move has so far been exciting for me. It tempts with a higher level of freedom and independence than before, it gives me the opportunity to delve into a few domestic fantasies and my new room is flash with big mirrors, plenty of storage space and a big window that I am most excited for. I will miss aspects of my old house but with it being right next door I won't be too far away that I can't still see it and hang out with my friend. It's the best of both worlds, you see. 

Another thing that I find, when I think about it, that really is the best of both worlds is my 'relationship', or rather my 'unrelationship' with my 'unboyfriend'. Whilst yes, I have said before and I will continue to say, that I want more than I have right now eventually he is not ready for more. In fact that is good for me. I feel strongly and I can be oftimes insecure of his feelings, due to my history, but when you think about it this whole 'unrelationship' keeps me from freaking out myself and running. 

I am fickle, I am a dillentente, I am a flight risk. I don't settle down, I don't settle for anything less than what I think I deserve (at least not intentionally), and I am very much my Gemini starsign from head to toe. Myself and everyone I speak to focus too much on him, when we should focus on me - I am far too easily able to ignore my issues with settling down when I am in this best of both worlds 'unrelationship' that given the circumstances I don't have to be committed to. I am the one with all the power, all the choice, the ability to walk away and yet I choose to stay. I can go and kiss someone else if I wanted, but I don't, and for that matter I won't be that hypocrite (it seems unfaithful to me, whether it technically is or not). I am the one who has the option here even if my insecurities and fears make me forget it - destiny and fate have always granted me the escapes I wanted or needed at the last moment. 

Ironically when I want this to be real so much, who isn't to say that as soon as it does become so (if it does) I won't be back to my old self and high-tailing it out of Dodge. We don't know if I'll run. We don't know if I'm capable of settling down and truly giving my heart away on a deeper note. Right now I don't have to know - because he won't ask. I feel unsatisfied and I want more, but that's not new - you, fate, have always had me chasing a completeness I've never felt. 

I am at a stage in live when I find that I am changing. I am both committed and uncommitted, settled and unsettled - it is a bizarre feeling to have. There have been signs everywhere to indicate that something is coming, changing, and I can feel it - I know it. I just feel there is more to it than what I can see on the surface. 

Another scary but exhilarating thought is that maybe the Tarot, once again, was right. And I'm not sure how that makes me feel that isn't the fickle, skittish side of me just poising to run away. 

It is that same part of me that makes it easy, as well, to speak to Shadow Man - who is still present (albeit grudgingly given my real world man is around). I don't have to commit, I can tell secrets and bounce ideas and thoughts and I don't have to be afraid. The same can be said of my ex-man in England and the plans I had made to see him this June, those of which I don't think I will be able to follow through with given the way that I do feel about my unboyfriend. This is very much the fickle, empowered and uncommitted side of me that dances around the idea of being bad, of making bad choices and making the most out of the situation that I could if I were a different person. I couldn't do it, I wouldn't do it, but there is a little imp inside me that would and fantasises and considers it. There is a small part of me that whispers 'you don't owe anyone anything' 'do what you want' 'be bad', 'kiss the boys' 'you can do anything' - and you know what, that voice isn't wrong. But is it right? No, not by my standards and not by my conscience - and you know that. You wrote me this way, didn't you? 

With great power comes great responsibility. Just because you can doesn't mean that you should. 

So, tell me, how am I changing right now? How is this moving house making for such a huge change in independence, freedom and power? I can speculate, I don't really know. Will it settle me? No. Will it reign me in? No. Will it turn me into less of a potential runaway? Absolutely not. 

I'm not sure how this change will go, and how having the best of both worlds will propel me into this next stage of my life, but one thing's for sure is that I'm looking forward to finding out. 

Sam xox

Sunday, February 12, 2017

What did they say?

I like to go see psychics sometimes and have readings done, usually by Tarot. I can be skeptical sometimes, as can we all, and sometimes I genuinely just choose to either heed or ignore their advice. That's my perogative. 

I went yesterday with a friend for fun, but the moment I walked in and the psychic cut the deck he cut straight to the heart. He told me that I was seeing someone that whilst cared about me was keeping things way too close to his chest, and that he wouldn't be able to give me what I wanted soon enough. He told me that there was someone else, not too far away, that was everything I had always wanted and would be that everything for me. 

I can't even begin to properly describe how that made me feel - I was happy to hear for once that the person was finally, supposedly, around the corner. But at the same time a little heartbroken because this person that I'm seeing is important to me. I feel so strongly about him and I already knew that he wouldn't be able to give me everything right now - that wasn't news to me. Yet even so I wanted to help him, and I wanted to be with him when he was ready. I sort of love him already. 

How can I just leave on this fantastical whim that someone else is supposed to be better for me? 

There were some other things that he said as well, relating to my moving house and all which was correct, but I don't want to just give up on this person I care about. The idea of that hurts too much. 

Now that I have managed to successfully better control my anxiety where my 'relationship' is concerned, I don't want to keep this stuff in my head to mess me around. I am committed to having faith in my future and giving this man the space he needs without pushing him. He knows what I feel and where I stand, maybe not to the degree, but he knows. 

He might not be my forever, but he's my right now and I want to give it everything that I have. I don't just quit on people because they can't meet my expectations right away. 

Sam xox

Monday, February 6, 2017

Snapchat Karaoke

I love to sing and dance, especially if I'm in a good mood or my inhibitions are lowered (i.e. under the influence). If I can sing out loud in front of you that means I'm probably comfortable with you and if you can join in with me well then you're a keeper in my opinion.

I love to karaoke along to music I already like, making up my own lyrics to existing songs and making up entirely new songs in the spot. A friend of mine and I even held an entire argument through song once or twice. I also love to imagine film clips for songs and usually specific songs remind me of specific things - people, events, parts of my history. Some songs I actually can't listen to, and some I've only just become able to listen to again because they reminded me too strongly of painful things. 

These days one of my favourite outlets is a little thing I like to call 'Snapchat Karaoke'. 

If you remember the post I wrote about taking Selfies last September, I mentioned that took Selfies as part of a coping mechanism in dealing with my self esteem. It comes across conceited - sure. But the reason I take them in the first place is usually to make myself feel better and remind myself you know what, you aren't as ugly as you feel which is important because I grew up feeling pretty ugly, pretty second best. I lacked a lot of self worth and this is one method I've found that helps. A little vanity after all never hurt anyone, though a lot can kill you. Call me vain, if you will, but I'd rather this than the old Sam who'd avoid mirrors when out and about, or cry at night that I'm just not pretty enough for someone to want to be with me someday. Just like Charlotte Lucas. I remedy through selfies and a little makeup to make me feel lot more comfortable in my own skin, and you know I'm really ok with that. 

Snapchat Karaoke is kind of similar, but it's more about my having fun and having a laugh at myself rather than anything too serious. Like I said, I love to sing and mess around with music especially after exercise or when I'm in a good mood generally. If I have excess energy and I'm feeling good about myself I like to fool around to the music I'm listening to - like I'm in a musical (which has always been a fantasy of mine). I'll sing all the time albeit mostly off camera because though I love to do it, I don't think my voice is all that great. Hence why in most Snapchat Karaoke videos that I make I'm lip syncing along to with the actual artist. I post them because they make me laugh and I know that they make other people laugh too, plus it's nice to go back and watch them when maybe I'm feeling down later on. Singing and dancing always seems to improve my mood whether I'm doing so in the moment or reliving it through a video I've made previously. When I lived in Perth I would drive most places and always cranked the music up loud to sing along; one time I got caught on the freeway by some tradies because I was singing and dancing along to Harry Belafonte's 'Jump in the Line' - which is a really fun song, by the way, and one I should do a snap to in the future.

Of all the snaps I film, I especially love the goofier ones; either to a goofy song, like a show tune (i.e. Shrek the Musical), or an ordinary song with a face/voice morph filter in play. Another personal favourite is to be standing in front of the fan and let it blow my hair back - those are the ones that feel like a real music video and make me giggle the hardest. There's also something kind of thrilling and freeing about singing your little heart out in front of a fan - don't ask me what, but it's there. Try it!

Just like with selfies that I take, Snapchat Karaoke is really more for me than for anyone else though I post them for friends and family to see. In a not so unsimilar way to how I cope with fear, I have over the years forced myself to confront my issues with my body image by using tools like selfies and videos as a coping mechanism. I used to be much worse than I am now though still I don't usually like it when other people take photos of me - I feel like I always look horrible in them and that hacks away at the sometime precarious self esteem I've worked so hard to build. If they take it as a selfie and I can see it then I find it's not so bad, but if, for example, I'm travelling alone (as I often do) and someone offers to take a photo of me somewhere perhaps 8/10 times I'll decline and stick to the selfies. You see, sometimes having myself in my own holiday photos will ruin them for me - do you understand? 

If you think that's bad I actually used to have a bit of a complex about my voice. In a nutshell: I hated it. I don't mind it so much now, but a lot of people have commented on my accent and how it sounds because they want to pick where I'm from. I'm from Tasmania originally, grew up in Perth and now live in Sydney. My family is English, Australian and Indian (as in from Calcutta). Why in the hell people sometimes ask if I'm from Canada or the US I have no idea except that I can pick up accents quite quickly as seen when I spend more than a week in the UK (I'm instantly a Londoner). The only real likelihood is that maybe I'd been watching too much US TV at the time and have picked up on inflections of the accent. I don't know other than that because I've never lived in North America. 

I don't mind how my voice sounds so much now because I play back recordings that I've made all the time, though there was a period when I would cringe to hear it. My voice when I speak aloud actually sounds very different to my ears in real time then it does on a recording. If I didn't already know that it was me I doubt that I would even be able to tell. 

At the end of the day Snapchat Karaoke is just for fun; I get a laugh out of it, I feel better about myself, and I enjoy doing it. I love to take song requests and to film them even if they look silly - actually, I love them especially if they look silly. I do it all the time anyway - why not share it and potentially make someone else laugh or smile as well? My tomfoolery might improve someone else's day, you never know, and it may encourage people to try my methods. In fact I would love it if people sent Snapchat Karaoke videos to me as well - it would make my day! 

Sam xox

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Valentine's Day

It's February again and that means it is almost my least favourite card holiday of the entire year: Valentine's Day.

I don't like Valentine's Day. I have never been a fan of it, and generally I just don't really want to be a part of it - all my friends know and I think they gear up for it every year. Depending on the year we may watch horror movies, get drunk, watch romantic comedies or dramas, or we'll go for a meal or to a festival or occasionally I may just turn off my phone and skip the whole day. It can be done believe me, I know. Once we even went to Disney World.

Over the years I've received cards from well meaning friends and 'secret admirers', care packages and one time a ladybird stuffed toy. It's always lovely to be thought of and reminded that the people you care about love you, but is that really what Valentine's Day is about? 

I have only ever been single on Valentine's Day, and this year will still technically be no different. Whilst I do have plans (my constant Valentine/Lover/Best Friend KA will be visiting then directly after so will my brother) I'm not really sure how to feel about the day this year. I'm not disgusted, horrified, hurting, sad, angry or feeling ironic this year. I'm not loved up with someone (technically) and yet I'm not viewing the day with a gimlet eye like usual. I'm almost looking forward to it which is a weird feeling for me: a known advocate for how much Valentine's Day sucks. 

I've actually already bought cards and presents. One of course for my annual Valentine, KA. The other? Well...

The history of Valentine's Day is kind of misleading and confusing thing to determine. There are so many mythologies and folklore stories that don't entirely show up in the history or archaeology outside of word of mouth and legend - but that of course doesn't make it necessarily false. 

Image result for st valentineFunnily enough, unlike most traditional holidays, Valentine's Day actually does come from Christian origins in the forms of not one but two St Valentines, Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni, during the Roman period. Both St Valentines were martyrs and killed for their faith which makes it a weird origin for a day dedicated to candy hearts and roses. The St Valentine that we do stem the holiday from however is St Valentine of Rome, who, due to popular legend, not only became  martyr but symbol of romantic love by marrying Roman soldiers against the law of the time. He was executed because tried and failed to convert Emperor Claudius to Christianity, supposedly healing a blind woman in the process. The night before he was executed he is said to have written the very first Valentine card to the woman he restored sight to, signing it as 'your Valentine'. Probably totally innocent, but uncomfortable nonetheless. Also, not hugely romantic or much of a display of romantic love. Familial, altruistic and spiritual love yes, but Valentine was not in love with the girl that he healed even if you could say he was an advocate for couples to be together in marriage. Though when another part of the legend suggests that he cut heart shapes out of the parchment he was writing on to remind men of their love for god I can see how society got confused about this. 

It wasn't really until Chaucer and the Love Birds came along that Valentine's Day really became historically traceable as a holiday to celebrate romantic love. During this period of the Middle Ages when courtly life was rife with romance, sex and scandal (and would continue to be so for centuries) it only made sense for an annual day relating to exactly the kind of frivolity that Valentine's Day represented - especially when an ever more present Christian society meant that Beltane (the much older Pagan holiday) was not as acceptable to celebrate openly anymore. It was also Chaucer who first really made the connection between St Valentine and romantic love in the aforementioned works and then onwards through the Canterbury Tales

Being the most recognised works of the Middle Ages besides the Magna Carta, it isn't surprising that our connections and romanticism of the time come from Chaucer in hindsight, just like the Odyssey and the Iliad did for Ancient Greece. I mean of course that in looking back and drawing interpretations of the past about society we infer from popular works thus affecting how Valentine's Day is structured today. It's debatable in whether the tradition is hindsight romanticism or a consistent but changing ideology. 

At any rate, from then on it became a popular culture sort of thing; revered by Kings of Europe (Especially the French), enjoyed by the wealthy and utilised by writers, playwrights, and poets including, but not limited to, my buddy William Shakespeare. Just look at this snippet from Hamlet of all plays:

To-morrow is Saint Valentine's day,
All in the morning betime,
And I a maid at your window,
To be your Valentine.
Then up he rose, and donn'd his clothes,
And dupp'd the chamber-door;
Let in the maid, that out a maid
Never departed more.
— William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act IV, Scene 5

Truly touching, Bard. Nothing like a little de-flowering on Valentine's Day.

By the time we made it to the 18th, 19th and 20th Centuries, Valentine's Day evolved in a similar way to Christmas, Halloween, Easter and Mother's Day. The initial meaning and purpose behind the day faded into the background in lieu of the popular culture meaning. For Valentine's Day it's 99% of the time more about the flowers, hearts, cards, picnics, red, pink and presents between couples than anything else. The day of and days surrounding become saturated with the stuff which for those unattached, lonely or heartbreaking can be somewhat cruel - I've been there. There is nothing less fun than seeing hundreds of happy couples out and about, doing kitsch activities and swapping gifts if you envy them.

I don't envy the couples every year, and it isn't why I don't like Valentine's Day. The truth is Valentine's Day makes me sort of uncomfortable and anxious. Of course it would be sweet to spend it with someone I loved that loved me in return but when there are 364 other days of the year that we can do the same things that isn't really a reason. Valentine's Day isn't the only day you can express your love for someone - it's just the one day of the year it has seemed to become ok to rub it in the faces of other people who don't. 

And yet, in the right context (yes there is a wrong context), it is kind of nice to receive a present, flowers or a card. I had someone send me flowers at work a few weeks ago, for the first time in my life, and I was so happy and touched that I cried at my desk for the better part of an hour. I had never realised how much I had wished for someone do to that for me just because. Now that Valentine's Day is around the corner and the fact that I am going to be surrounded by couples exchanging those sorts of gifts is an eventuality, I think I am a little envious. 

Before I explain that more I just want to make it clear that I am happy with where I am at. I am not in a relationship, I don't have a significant other, though I do have someone I care about and the context of that is not something I need to go into bigger detail with right now. But I am happy and at peace with the way things are today. I am envious because as always I want it more, so much more, and I have so much to give in return. I am envious because for once I want the flowers. But not because I want them. Not because it will be Valentine's Day, not because it's expected. I want the flowers because someone wants to send them to me because they want me to have them, they want to show that they care and they want me to smile. That's why I want the flowers. 

I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day but this year I don't want to avoid it or ignore it or replace it with horror movies. Weirdly for once I want to enjoy it and be a part of it, and not even as irony. I want to buy myself something pretty to show myself how much I care, I want to send some flowers, give cards and presents and express a little love I just don't feel like hiding right now. Not just to one person but to everyone and not just because it's Valentine's Day but because I love every day. 

Does all of this sound crazy in general, or crazy because it's coming from me? Did the Valentine Grinch finally make peace with Valentine's Day? Or, am I just at peace and much too infatuated to be distressed?

Sam xox

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Leap of Faith vs Having Faith

Taking a leap of faith is something I'm familiar with. Taking a deep breath and doing something frightening, something that makes me nervous or anxious, or putting myself out there by making a big gesture - these things are well-trodden territory to me.

When I am afraid of something, say a film, I'll watch it or immerse myself in it until I'm not afraid of it anymore. Fear can be debilitating, it can freeze you, make you sweat and make you run from things or fail to experience them. I've been called brave for doing things that seem scary to other people - I don't think that I am necessarily braver than most. What I am is determined and what I don't do is, if I can help it, let fear stop me from living my life and doing what is important to me. Sure there are some things that I will always be afraid of and will never be able to conquer no matter how hard I try. Fear can delbilitate and freeze me just as much as anyone if I let it. 

But when I can help it I will do my best to ensure that it doesn't stop me; over and over again in life I have taken leaps of faith that have been scary at the time but so unbelievably rewarding in the long run. And yet there are also times when it isn't rewarding, or it results in pain and failure - that's life. The important thing is I always put my heart on the line and I take the leap in the first place despite what could go wrong.

What I am not is patient or particularly the best at 'keeping' of 'having' faith. 

I'm a dillentante in a lot of ways, fickle and tempestuous. I change my mind all the time, I get paranoid and yes fear takes over when my leap of faith does result in failure. I can't help the way I am.

It is a problem, though, and I can't continue to live this way forever. 

I have issues when it comes to having faith in romance. I am far too easily hurt, I'm overly sensitive and I am distrustful. I have been hurt in the same way more than once, and plenty of other times in other ways as well. I have always wanted to meet someone and form a relationship but I never realised until now how unbelievably stunted I am in my ability to do so - I have let my scars and fears debilitate me. I have never noticed before because my fears are realised, but what happens if this time I am just letting worry get in the way? 

Over the years I've developed an issue with inferiority, insecurity and lack of self worth. That means that I, because of what has happened to me in the past, struggle to trust and have faith that someone could want to be with me. Not because I don't think that I am amazing, that I am worthy and that I am a good person. No, I think it because I have been cultivated to feel by my past experiences that I am second best, that I am not worth putting the effort into to be with and that I am not enough. Complete bollocks, logically I know. But subconsciously I have been so hurt I can't trust or simply have faith that I am worth everything and that someone will put in the effort to stay with me.  

This is what has been brought to my attention this week, and this is what I want to work on now. It's like an illness, it will eat away at me for the rest of my life if I don't address it now and I don't work towards fixing it. I am not broken, I am not ruined and I am not so far gone that I cannot come back from this. 

It will be hard, and I have been this way a while - made worse each year - but I have to do this or I will never be able to be happy even if I am with someone. 

I came to this realisation this week after fear and paranoia made me blow up at my unofficial thing. Emotion running high and logic taking a backseat I gave into the fear that the reason for him not making anything official with me was because I wasn't enough. Just like so many others had done to me in the past, I fear that he is biding his time with me until either someone better comes along or he gets tired of me. Using me, lying to me, and leaving me once again to pick up the pieces afterward.  

I blurted my feelings, my fears and had it out. I showed him the door to leave if that's what he'd wanted, and yet for once (as in regards to previous romances) he not only stayed but made the effort to assure me that things would be ok. No one has ever done that to me before - they've usually either not bothered to reply to me, or if they have then they only considered themselves and what they wanted. Never how I felt, what I wanted or tried to make me feel ok where I was. 

Logic, when it did return, pointed out the not-so obvious in reminding me that things were not necessarily as they seemed no matter how much my fear and hurt over another repeat was weighing on me. The reality was for once someone really was telling me the truth in that they were not yet ready to progress - and not because of me. Logic told me to actually look at the facts: 

- Just like I, he had been hurt before and recently (very recently) which still required time to recover. I was being unfair, not particularly understanding, selfish and impatient. 
- He had said before that I had come along too fast and too serious than anticipated; that can be frightening and can shake people, which I am one to know. 
- He had been given an out, a run down of what I want and how I felt, and had still cared enough to assure me that what I was jumping to the conclusion of what wasn't the case. 
- I was assuming despite everything he said and did, and ignoring his personality in the process. I assumed that he couldn't have really cared because this, this and that. 

The real issue wasn't that he didn't want to be with me, it was that he wasn't ready to be with me in any greater capacity than he currently is. Not because he found me lacking but because I turned up barely a month after his last relationship went sour, he was still hurting, things with me were more serious and real than anticipated much too quickly, he was not ready to put his heart on the line again, and yet did not want to leave either. The truth of the matter genuinely may be that he isn't in the state of mind to be with me right now - he in fact may never be. But the point is that both he and I are afraid, scarred by our past, which leads me to worrying more so than I should when what I really need to focus on is having some faith. 

I never realised how hard I found it to have faith, how distrusting and jaded I had become, how ruined I was by my past, how much I want to fix this part of myself, and how much I really care about this person that I want to do this for him as much as myself. 

We may never work but this is real enough to me that I want to try and in doing so be patient enough, have enough faith, that I won't take off at the first sign of not having what I want. That he won't just ditch me for someone else because I'm not good enough. Fear can't just control me like this anymore, not when I know that I work so hard to overcome my fears in other aspects of my life. 

It's not the clearest or easiest fear to overcome but I'm on it already. Immersion, meditation, patience and reminding myself to have faith is going to get me through - for me. Irrespective of what happens in the future I can't move on until I can overcome this lack of security and inferiority complex that I've developed. 

Sam xox 

Monday, January 16, 2017

Give your heart a break

Funnily enough, the Demi Lovato song Give Your Heart a Break is kind of appropriate to my current situation. I can't force anything and yet the situation is frustrating. I need way more affection than I feel like I'm getting.

Why do I always just get crumbs? 

I really, genuinely fancy this person in a surprisingly real kind of way yet he doesn't even know how he feels or if he wants to be with me. 

I was some heartbreaking sociopathic floozy in my past life, wasn't I? 

Sam xox

P.s I accidentally typed 'SOS' instead of 'xox'. Not wrong, I really could use the help. Or one of those cosmic interventions. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Catching Fire

Have you ever heard the term 'catching feelings' ? 

Well, first of all that's a stupid term. Feelings aren't a disease that's spread and unless you're a sociopath most people have them to begin with. What does happen however is that they can develop and change over time. Love can turn to hate, lust can turn to love, altruism can turn to genuine affection. Feelings are a giant melting pot more complicated than the chemical brain reactions they technically are and will more often than not get people into trouble at some point.

Now I think that I've contemplated it, I'm in trouble once again.

It's not the first time that I've developed feelings for someone but in a weird way this seems entirely different. I've had crushes before, I've fallen into shallow love with men that really didn't deserve it, and I've felt giddy like the Disney princess I still am inside. But I'm not sure that I've ever felt like this before - though bare with me, it's still new and I'm not sure I really even understand how I feel. Kind of like reading a script in French and thinking you sort of get the gist but your intuition says no. 

I am not in love. Not yet. 

Sure, I feel like it could go that way eventually, or maybe I'm just at the beginning of the slippery slope, but I am not in love. I'm not planning my future wedding, I am not thinking about kids, I am not thinking about long term at all. My biggest concern right now is that I want this man to stop deliberating, stop freaking out and to let me not only call him my boyfriend to people that ask but to him as well. In fact this is such a concern that the thought of me having to make the decision to cut him off really hurts, or to think of him being with someone else makes me feel sort of ill. This is a very strange and scary place to be at right now. 

Whilst he is still my not-boyfriend, unwilling or unable to take it further with me, I am at an awkward position. I want more but if I push I will push him away, and at the same time I don't want to end it which I know I will have to after a while if things don't progress (it's only been 2 months so I've still got time). This in-between stage can't last forever and I can't stay feeling as insecure and unsure of myself as I do now. I've felt like I've been treading on eggshells with people before but I've never felt before like I do right now - just like I'm trying to keep myself contained and poised. This not-relationship is ironically very real and therefore super harrowing for me as all of my anxiety regarding commitment is starting to surface. 

If you're reading this thinking maybe I'm just mental and that I'm not making sense then you wouldn't be wrong - It barely makes sense to me. But one thing's for sure is that it's not unfixable. 

I have had dreams of running away from men, from weddings, from pregnancy and all all sorts of similar commitment since I was very little. Every now and then it will make me anxious, I might even have a panic attack which will involve me quite literally short of breath and probably in tears, but it will pass. Usually it's not an issue - I'm rarely in any position of such commitment that I'm too worried and even then when it comes to my fears I generally push through them until they go away. But today I'm feeling like the panic is setting in - its too early and that concerns me that I'm a basket case. This person isn't even sure that they want to be with me, so why am I panicking about commitment? Why today do I feel like there's a gremlin sitting on my chest and restricting the circulation of oxygen to my lungs? 

Is it because whilst I'm in limbo, unsure of him or myself and what is happening, I can't start to acclimatise to overcoming my anxiety? It's fixable - my phobia is not an insurmountable hurdle, I know it, but when his hurdle is already standing in the way how the hell am I supposed to overcome mine? 

And even then if he never decides, and I have to leave, or he ends it, then what was the point of being worried in the first place? No hurdle of mine will even be tackled let alone overcome if there is never the person to do so. You can't overcome a phobia related to commuting to someone without someone you want to be with, right? 

I'm an over thinker so sometimes I can't help but get lost in a feeling like this - especially when I've been hurt more than once before and I'm feeling some very real emotions encroaching on me that will only reopen those scars. As well as, and he's the real kicker that's inciting my issues: he doesn't want to commit to me because he's been hurt when my commitment issues stem from trust and my scars come from being hurt and betrayed myself. 

How the ever loving hell does anyone get into an actual relationship ever? 

If you're looking for me, I'll be over in the avoidance corner pretending that none of this BS is actually bothering me. 

Sam xox

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Welcome to 2017

To say that 2016 ended collectively on a bit of a low note is an understatement, and all over the world we saw people telling the past year not to hit it on the arse as it left. Yet with open arms to 2017 it seems that the unfortunate realisation that we aren't out of the woods seems to have sunk in already. 

I've had worse years than 2016, though I will say that more than one horror show crept up on me during the calendar year. Some fun examples include: the death of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, two amazing stars I'll be sure to miss; Brexit; President elect Trump; saying 'bye Felicia' to some not-friends; and my stream of fun, awkward and terrible dates at the beginning of the festive season. 

Now it hasn't all been bad news for me as I'm sure you've followed over the year and as I mentioned in my last post, so there have been plenty of highlights as well. Balance in effect. 

2017 has started off with some uncertainty though and I must admit I am a tad uneasy about where I'm at currently. Nothing to throw in the towel about though or to really write off the year on, just some things that have caused a bit of perservenrence to keep me going. It's barely mid-January and I've had to face some serious life choices and changes already. Scary.

Nothing bad so much as adulting on a level I've managed to avoid for most of my actual life simply because I didn't need it and that it wasn't necessary. Now popular opinion has proven me otherwise, though I digress I've received no such comment from the medical professionals I actually consulted. 

Now since it is a very real and important topic, as well as one we've never discussed here before, I thought it might be an interesting way to begin the year. Especially when I consider that this, this version of taking control of my life, my body, my future and my dreams,  is exactly the right way to look at a brand new year. Call me a control freak if you will but sometimes keeping a tight reign on things can be a benefit more so than spontaneity. Neverless it's always fun to be spontaneous when you can deal with the consequences. 

What I am referring to is in fact, rather scarily, the consequences of being intimate with someone. Call them your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, spouse, whatever you like (Not-Boyfriend in my case), safety is important and so is responsibility. 

This is probably a bit rich coming from me since it has only been this year, when I'm about to turn 27, that I have capitulated by going onto the pill, had all my necessary checks, and let the docotors sign me up for a Pap smear. In this day and age most women usually do this sort of thing in their late teens - I've always been a unicorn when it comes to love and sex so it should come as no surprise that I was not among them. But for me there was no need to do so. I wasn't having sex so why did I need to worry about its consequences? Things like pregnancy, STD's - unless I was the unluckiest human in the world, they weren't really possible. They always say the best prevention is celibacy, right?

Well eventually that changed and now the time finally came to actually pursue these things. I didn't love doing it, and it's not been fun, but I feel less paranoid and significantly more at ease after doing so. Taking control of myself, getting these things done even when I didn't want to, were a resolution and a big step up on the adulting tier system. 

I know who I am at 26, I know what I want and what I don't want. I'm taking control of 2017 at least in this way.