Thursday, February 16, 2017

Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

You who drive fate and send the signs, point me in the right direction, or the wrong one as may be, and lead me to my destiny will know that it is another time of somewhat change. 

I am moving house, I mentioned that briefly a few days ago, and it is a positive move. The housemate turned friend I have lived with the past 18 months and are still friends, however circumstances have changed and we have decided that now is a good time to separate. The decision wasn't initially mine but the potential opened up a lot more freedom, possibility and positive energy that we had needed not only for our relationship but myself personally. As the house is due to undergo some major renovations in coming months and our neighbours have recently had an empty room, it seemed best for me to move. Whilst the move is only to next door (easiest house move of all time that suits me just fine) the positive outcome will be huge. Especially, as I've said, for my soon-to-be former housemate and I - our relationship has occasionally hit rocky times due to our differing natures, approach to life and current values. For example I am very social, outgoing and extroverted, she is not and there's nothing at all wrong with either but it might be better to have each of our own space now. We won't lose our friendship but we will gain a little more independence of each other, and I think that that's a good thing. 

The move has so far been exciting for me. It tempts with a higher level of freedom and independence than before, it gives me the opportunity to delve into a few domestic fantasies and my new room is flash with big mirrors, plenty of storage space and a big window that I am most excited for. I will miss aspects of my old house but with it being right next door I won't be too far away that I can't still see it and hang out with my friend. It's the best of both worlds, you see. 

Another thing that I find, when I think about it, that really is the best of both worlds is my 'relationship', or rather my 'unrelationship' with my 'unboyfriend'. Whilst yes, I have said before and I will continue to say, that I want more than I have right now eventually he is not ready for more. In fact that is good for me. I feel strongly and I can be oftimes insecure of his feelings, due to my history, but when you think about it this whole 'unrelationship' keeps me from freaking out myself and running. 

I am fickle, I am a dillentente, I am a flight risk. I don't settle down, I don't settle for anything less than what I think I deserve (at least not intentionally), and I am very much my Gemini starsign from head to toe. Myself and everyone I speak to focus too much on him, when we should focus on me - I am far too easily able to ignore my issues with settling down when I am in this best of both worlds 'unrelationship' that given the circumstances I don't have to be committed to. I am the one with all the power, all the choice, the ability to walk away and yet I choose to stay. I can go and kiss someone else if I wanted, but I don't, and for that matter I won't be that hypocrite (it seems unfaithful to me, whether it technically is or not). I am the one who has the option here even if my insecurities and fears make me forget it - destiny and fate have always granted me the escapes I wanted or needed at the last moment. 

Ironically when I want this to be real so much, who isn't to say that as soon as it does become so (if it does) I won't be back to my old self and high-tailing it out of Dodge. We don't know if I'll run. We don't know if I'm capable of settling down and truly giving my heart away on a deeper note. Right now I don't have to know - because he won't ask. I feel unsatisfied and I want more, but that's not new - you, fate, have always had me chasing a completeness I've never felt. 

I am at a stage in live when I find that I am changing. I am both committed and uncommitted, settled and unsettled - it is a bizarre feeling to have. There have been signs everywhere to indicate that something is coming, changing, and I can feel it - I know it. I just feel there is more to it than what I can see on the surface. 

Another scary but exhilarating thought is that maybe the Tarot, once again, was right. And I'm not sure how that makes me feel that isn't the fickle, skittish side of me just poising to run away. 

It is that same part of me that makes it easy, as well, to speak to Shadow Man - who is still present (albeit grudgingly given my real world man is around). I don't have to commit, I can tell secrets and bounce ideas and thoughts and I don't have to be afraid. The same can be said of my ex-man in England and the plans I had made to see him this June, those of which I don't think I will be able to follow through with given the way that I do feel about my unboyfriend. This is very much the fickle, empowered and uncommitted side of me that dances around the idea of being bad, of making bad choices and making the most out of the situation that I could if I were a different person. I couldn't do it, I wouldn't do it, but there is a little imp inside me that would and fantasises and considers it. There is a small part of me that whispers 'you don't owe anyone anything' 'do what you want' 'be bad', 'kiss the boys' 'you can do anything' - and you know what, that voice isn't wrong. But is it right? No, not by my standards and not by my conscience - and you know that. You wrote me this way, didn't you? 

With great power comes great responsibility. Just because you can doesn't mean that you should. 

So, tell me, how am I changing right now? How is this moving house making for such a huge change in independence, freedom and power? I can speculate, I don't really know. Will it settle me? No. Will it reign me in? No. Will it turn me into less of a potential runaway? Absolutely not. 

I'm not sure how this change will go, and how having the best of both worlds will propel me into this next stage of my life, but one thing's for sure is that I'm looking forward to finding out. 

Sam xox

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