Can’t compute

I can’t express enough just how confusing it is for me psychologically to process the heartbreak of being broken up with by my GBF. 

If you haven’t heard the term’GBF’, it’s gay best friend. He’s much, much more than the fact that he’s into men, but for simplicity’s sake it’s GBF for this blog post. 

So we are not on good terms right now and the why of it is confusing enough, but I feel like I’ve been angrily broken up with by the man I love the most and am now heartbroken. But in a very different way than what I’ve experienced before - I’m trying to understand it, too.

The most obvious thing being that it wasn’t a romantic relationship - but not quite like as if I’d had a big blow up with my actual blood-related brother (though I do very much consider my GBF to be family). 

I do go to therapy (I have on and off for most of my adult life) so using the tools I’ve picked up in therapy, let’s try to unpack this a bit so that I can try to recontextualise it.

Unlike when I’ve been going through a breakup with a man in the past (the one not good relationship and many situationships/crushes) one main response is obviously hurt. I am definitely hurt - he said some pretty awful things to me, many of which are probably amongst the worst things anyone has ever said to me in my entire life.

Being hurt is not the most confusing part. It is definitely different though. For example - I’m not worried he’s going to go off and hookup with other women (because he’s not interested in women), though I don’t like the idea of him finding a new girl best friend. 

I’m also not worried about late night drunk texting him to take me back. I mean I’d like him to eventually - but I have to forgive first, too. We don’t see eye to eye right now which is the problem - I’m not feeling like it’s a true ending in the same way that I would if it was a random fuckboy telling me we’re over.

I don’t feel like I’ll never love again or anything like that either. I will always have more love to give - my bucket for platonic and familial love is never ending. Maybe that’s part of what feels so different - the love runs so much deeper than someone I’m sleeping with. It’s a whole different part of the heart (or rather, the brain). 

It’s also the physiological response. Bear with me if you don’t want to know about sex things but many people who’ve gone through a break up know that it can make your sex drive go a little fritzy for a bit. Mine is usually low volume as I am *demisexual* and it feels like now that the knee jerk reaction to coping with the strain is feeling like I should be feeling it more, when it’s actually not changed at all.

I think that last point is the overarching thing. I feel like I should be feeling and responding in a certain way but I’m not. 

Maybe it’s even a sign of my years of self work and maturity? I’m being an adult about it. We’ll either get past it as friends and rebuilt - or we won’t. I can’t really control that. I feel hurt - but not as manic as I would be over a romance. I am angry - but I’m not ready to set him on fire. I’m disappointed and sad - but life is still going on around me. 

It helps that I seem to have a lot of things going on right now. I am busy generally, or quiet at home when I feel like it. Between clubs, other friends, family and work I am still just as social as ever. 

Friendships are dynamic and I do believe that people come in and out of your life to teach you lessons and sometimes it’s time to move on from them. Don’t misunderstand that I’m happy to lose this GBF - because I am not. But I still believe that everything happens for a reason even if it’s not one I can see or like the process of. 

If we never resolve things and it’s truly the end - then I have no choice but to accept that. 

Sam xox