Arrogant

I'm afraid that I'm becoming an arrogant writer. Over the past year, well, all my life, I suppose, I've read some truly terrible books. 

From horror stories to ill-fated romance and adventure, I've read a wide range of genres. But there have been some books that I either couldn't finish or refused to, whilst others I only stuck in with out of pride or determination. I used to never not finish a book once I'd started it - I was prideful that way and figured I owed it to fellow writers - but recently I heard some advice that made me re-evaluate:

"Life's too short to read bad books".

Initially I was sort of resistant, but then I realised that they were right. Life is short and I have so many goals to complete like finishing my own books, seeing the world and completing a phD at some point. (Also dig all the sites!) So really there was nothing to rally against, they really did have a point. 

But there is still the moral obligation that I have as a writer to respect the work of my peers and give them fair judgement - kindly and constructively - by finishing what I set out to read. Only that's where the arrogance comes in. 

Everytime I read I take notes on things like grammar, use of words in descriptions, character and plot development, dialogue and everything else (mentally, I rarely actually make lists or SAAO charts). It's not meant to downplay anyone, but rather to see how those who've succeeded In publication have done so - publication is my goal as well and it's like studying past theses when completing your own. But now I keep reading some certain books (not always) and thinking to myself 'I could do better'. 

It's not so much as an insult to the author because usually their storytelling is quite good only written poorly (mostly, sometimes I admit the story is terrible also or instead of the writing), but it's more so an over-confidence in my own writing abilities. Sometimes I applaud a story or a concept and think that I could write it better. 

Let me just say quickly before I continue to explain that I don't like this; it's a feeling I am not fond of, and an arrogance that I'm ashamed of. I've never considered myself a great writer, Nobel literature prize candidate or New York Times Bestselling author-to-be, but I do think when I put my heart in and make an effort and edit my work then it's pretty good. I work really hard on my writing and sometimes I think that it pays off, as much as I think some of my work is terrible.

And so when I read a published book that is particularly bad either because the writing is bad or the story not good, I feel a little let down: how come they get to be published and not me? Yes, I work hard and no, I have not yet been lucky enough to be 'discovered', so I feel envious. That is in turn what makes my arrogance so terrible.

I genuinely don't say anything with the conscious effort to downplay fellow writers, though, and I feel so awful when I think about it. I'm not a bad person, but jealousy and envy are my patron sin. Believe me when I say that I know it's wrong as much as I can't stop myself.

So whilst that niggling little part of my thinks it could do better, that I'm a better writer or story teller, I always remind myself of two things: 

One) that my day will come if I continue to work hard and make the effort to publish, my writing is not all bad.

Two) that the authors before me made it because they had something their publisher was looking for, and none of them got there without a good idea or determination. 

It's easier to put someone else or their abilities down to make yourself feel better for having not achieved something. It's an unfortunate aspect of humanity. However, never forget yourself that it's not to do with how hard you work or proportionate to the abilities you have. Thinking I could do a better job of someone else's novel is a negative and arrogant approach to writing that I recognise. I'm no saint, just human, but I try to be better. 

Does that truly make me so arrogant? 

Sam xox