Thursday, September 29, 2011

To not regret, to live and let die.

After having been in a supremely good mood all week after telling that girl where to shove it and never attempt to contact me again, I find that one particular thought has got my mood dropping an exponential 70% or so.

I regret nothing, let's make that clear. I've acted in my best judgement, done what I saw best for myself and have faced the trials that they've thrown at me, but what makes me pause is how easy it has been. To walk away. But also how easy it was for them to turn on me in the first place. The main girl in question I'm not surprised about, for she never had enough real personality or so beforehand, but her housemate (the one who now has the books that I shall never see again) puzzles me. I suppose I thought she was a stronger person than that, she is most definately smarter than that. I'm disappointed in her for making it her problem too, for not even trying to be impartial. She lives under the girl's thumb now, and I feel sorry for her. She never had any real reason to break from me except following in pursuit of her housemate. At least none that I have been made aware of - I rarely say anything unflattering about her because there is no reason for it. I just hope she wakes up one day and learns to stand on her own.

So that has been disappointing.

As has the relisation the other day that no matter how strongly I may feel about this guy the girl I've broken from will always be able to hurt me through him. And there's really nothing I can do to stop it either; I can't tell him, I can't stop them. And I can hardly walk away from him. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation and all I can do is deal in the end. Like most things in life, really.

I'm actually rather proud of myself this week though; I've very nearly finished the draft of my thesis, I told that dreaded ex-friend to stick it (and believe me that felt good), I've been happy, recaptured sight of things and I've also come to the conclusion that with that guy it really doesn't matter. Yes I feel very strongly, but it's just fun right now and that's all it has to be. In the end both of us are too young, we both plan on being out of the state for most of next year and there is still nothing to suggest that he does or ever will feel the same way about me. So no harm, no foul. And I'm proud at how well I am dealing and how ok I am with that.

Writing has made me feel better again, like it usually does. To express my feelings and leak them onto the page so that they don't bottle and fester in my soul.

Let's face it - this year has perhaps been the most tumultous of my life but also the best. I don't regret anything. I've made enemies, but also new friends. I've accomplished so much and no matter how bad things have gotten I've picked myself up every single time. I'm proud of myself, I'm confident in myself, and I'm finally an adult.

Live not in regret, but remember the past. Forgive and forget, live and let die.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fluttery feelings, hard truths, enemies and lovers.

Well, no one really reads this shit anyway - I'm not going to lie. So in the end I know and you know that it doesn't really matter what I say on here after all since it's really more of a medium to say how I feel and what I'm thinking, let the anger or saddness out. Or happiness, it really just depends.

So, this week I've been cycling through emotions again like crazy, rolling from angst, helplessness, guilt, anger, frustration, to giddiness, bliss, happiness, love and utter contentment. That's alot to go through every single day.

Now, all things aren't gloomy, let me just start by saying. In the grand scheme of things right now stuff is relatively good, and you know it is. Things have been way worse before. But the one thing that is screwing with me this week is the drama revolving around that guy. Yeah, I know. Again.

I would've eventually gotten over it, and been content again to simply be single and free and happy like I was when I got back from Melbourne, but fate or whatever in control of fate decided that wasn't going to be the case. The short of it is that after a few weeks of flirting, agonizing in guilt at what it meant for a friend, and then deciding that it wasn't going to happen...well, something did.

I'm not so naive as to think that it doesn't mean a great  deal more to me than it does to him, of course it does. Story of my life. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, especially since now I feel so much more strongly than before with no hope of it going away anytime soon.

Sometimes I underestimate just how hard it actually is, and there's only so many times I can cry in the shower.

The friend that stood to be hurt, will get hurt. It's inevitable. Like me, jealousy drives her crazy and even before anything happened she would lash out at me when it struck her. It will only be worse now. Especially when she is so angry with me for having seen him when at least I was honest with her, but she did not do the same. And she's had plenty of opportunity to do so.

Then there is still ridiculous crap with that other ex-friend, who's negative attitude and hatred towards me still makes a black hole in the circle of friends between us and those around us. It's not easy. It needed to be done, I'm better, happier and glad to be rid of her finally but it doesn't make it easy.

Which is part of the reason why I know that it is going to kill me, feeling the way I do no matter how happy i've been the past few days thinking about him, how strongly i've felt. It can never be what I need, I will never be able to keep this friend, leave behind my jealousy when he spends time with those ex-friends, and I know that he will never love me. It would kill me if he could never love me.

So for now what can I do but to take another deep breath, cycle on through, and just pray that he never finds out how I truly feel if he can't return it.

Just a drop in the ocean,
a change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain,
as I stand in the desert,
but I'm holding you closer than most,
for you are my heaven. 

- Ron Pope.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Relapse.

I'm having a bit of a down moment now; not the first for this week, or respectively ever, but there is one thing on my mind that's truly bothering me and I can't shake it at the moment.

I'm relapsing, sinking a little and feeling chafed by the things that usually don't bother me as much. My parents, my current situation, my thesis...I'm not above it right now, like I should be. I'm not sitting well.

I'm hardly drowning, but at the moment I sort of want to lock my bedroom door, switch off my phone and have a cry. Not that that would solve any of my problems, only temporarily relase the pent up frustration that I have, but maybe that's what I need tonight.

As you know, the situation with that 'friend' is bad. I'd say over, but it's not, not really. It's still a warzone, and people are still forced to pick sides. Which is why I'm feeling so down. I don't like that people have been forced to pick sides, or that there's this great tension in the air now for all those in between and for ourselves.

I'm so happy to be away from her, so happy to be free but I wonder if the tension and dissention I've caused in the process has been worth it? It's like I've conducted a jailbreak after so many years incacerated, but other people have been imprisoned in the process. Is it selfish of me? Should I have stayed so that it wouldn't affect and hurt other people?

Then there's the problem with my parents. The final, very real evidence I didn't want to know that things are never going to be the same. And although once again I suspected, I knew, it hurts to hear the truth.

Like finally admitting the truth to myself that I do feel strongly about someone, and I don't like it because it's so impossible, so unlikely. And yet I'm terrified at the thought that maybe it could. I don't know what to feel, don't know if I should run or pursue, fight or flee.

And in the meantime I'm trying my hardest to finish my thesis to the best of my ability but it's much harder than I expected, and I'm having trouble concentrating sometimes.

All in all, I'm only having a relapse. Tomorrow things will be better, I know it. But for now I'm feeling the weight of my conscience and my heart press on my a little more than usual. It's like a deep breath before I hold my head high again and carry on. Which I will, because I always do.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

When do you know if you're justified in disappointment?

I get the feeling that I've been left behind a little again. There's nothing I can do about it, and of course you know the reason why. Just another of those little things that shouldn't bother me when I have way more important things to consider.

But I, and remember I don't actually know for sure, got this feeling that I've been passed over again. And you can't blame me because it's happened before by the same person, but it's still disappointing.

There's nothing I can really do about it though, but sometimes I think I should just bow out gracefully and let it go. But the problem is even if I tried I couldn't. I couldn't leave and they wouldn't let me go.

What can I do if you wouldn't let me go and I couldn't even try to leave?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I think...

I've got this funny feeling that I might be falling in love again...and fates help me but I can't stop it.

But every time you disappoint me I feel like you take another peice of my heart and crumble it, letting me down in a way that makes me tilt my head down in defeat.

I tried not to let this happen, but I think it already has and I don't know what to do.

I wish you would've given me a chance. All I ever wanted was a chance.