Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Symptoms of a Heartbreak

Something I can't get over is just how different this feels than it did last time. The situations themselves are of course entirely different, and I am in no way the same person I was 4 and a half years ago, but the intensity of the way I felt were the same.

I mentioned in passing a couple of days ago that I wished that 21 year old Sam had had 26 year old Sam in her corner during the last time and it is most assuredly true: the person I am now would have been the best person to be around the person that I was then. Everything that I have felt and been through since M took a hammer to my heart back then has made me the woman I am today. Let's list a few:

- I graduated from University with honours in archaeology and finally was able to call myself an Archaeologist.

- I completed a book of my own (still working on the publication!)

- I worked away, 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off out into the desert. Meeting new people along the way and of course finding new men to be rejected by.

- I learnt First Aid and how to 4x4 through the outback along with everything that entails.

- I used the money that I earnt working in the desert to travel as much as I could; I went both international and interstate. A couple of 5 week adventures and then one 5 month long stint throughout Europe. I ticked off so many items from my bucket list and realised that I was not afraid to travel to countries like Romania or Turkey on my own.

- I got to live my dream of working, even for a short time, at the British Museum.

- I started working in Travel and was so screwed over I ended up managing an entire business solo and figuring it all out on the fly.

- I lost my beloved dog and my grandmother (not an achievement, but definitely worth mentioning because I loved them both and was devestated to lose them).

- I was pursued by a company I loved and offered the amazing opportunity of moving away from Perth and out to the metropolis that is Sydney. 

- I learnt to love myself, love the art of makeup and found enjoyment in applying it, as well as a definite active interest in my own body. 

- I found an amazing way to get the added vitamins and nutrients that I needed, and became an advocate for the whole foods that I love.

- oh, and I finally fell into the pool of active sexuality. Hilarious that 'Touch a Touch me' from Rocky Horror just came onto my shuffle right now, but yeah I suppose that's accurate for this part of my post...

I've met plenty of amazing people along the way for keeps and for temporary measures, and whilst I've lost some and kept others every single one has brought me something or taught me something that I didn't know before. I am grateful to have known all of them even if they aren't all still around.

In 2012 I cried a lot more, I couldn't get it out of my mind, I was lethargic, put on weight and I questioned everything I ever thought about my view of the world. Now it's so different, I was so much life experience behind me that although heartbroken and angry I know exactly who I am, what I want from life and that even though the first few days I cried a lot and questioned everything I know that I don't deserve to be made to feel that way. My friendship is worth more, my love is worth more, and I am worth more. No matter how much I loved him, no man is worth it to me if he is so easily able to throw me over for someone else. Hell to the no.

Perhaps that is the difference, the major difference, between the symptoms of heartbreak in 2012 and 2016: that I learnt my worth, and that I realised that I should never have to settle for any less than what I think that I deserve. 

I am not talking anything extravagant, just someone who thinks the world of me as I do them. 

You may think it callous or unkind of me to, when offered friendship as an alternative to romance, want to deny it. It is spiteful, I don't deny it, but as I've just said the most important thing that learnt between now and when I was heartbroken in 2012 is my own worth. Why, when it will be painful to me, should I settle for second best because that is what someone else wants? 

Yeah, no.

Friendship is supposed to be about equality, what is equal about one person drawing the line and the other just having to deal with it? Why do you think all the friendships I've had with males that have failed when feelings entered into the mix one way or the other? You can't be friends with someone you are in love with when they have rejected you for someone else. Point me out a positive example if you must, but I have seen none. 

This heartbreak, ironically, is healthier than the last time. I'm upset, of course, but I know that I have support, I know what I want and what I don't want, and I know that I can't let this get the better of me again when I am worth so much more than that.

So instead of crying, putting on weight, wishing ill on him and his cow (haha - dual reference there, can you pick it?), and questing everything, what better time than to re-calibrate and remember who I am and how far I've come. 

I'm so proud to be myself in 2016.

What I said on Monday is still very valid, I can't make any decisions until I am no longer angry or hurt, but putting it further into perspective I still keep thinking that I know the best decision for myself to make.

Let's see what my last minute adventures down to Melbourne bring. A no-strings fling with a handsome stranger might be fun.

Ask and you shall receive, right?

Sam xox

Monday, August 8, 2016

Hard Decisions and Painful Truths

Stupid Sam. Silly Sam, always think they care, Sam. 

Wishful Sam, hopeful Sam, always looking, never finding, Sam. 

Consolation prize, friend zone Sam, always second best, Sam. Back up Sam, played well Sam, always read things wrong, Sam. 

Wish I may, wish I might, never get it right, Sam. Why keep trying, always failing, why not wave goodnight, Sam?

Everyone has that voice in their head that tells them both the good and the bad. The above? That's the sort of thing running through my head right now. And usually I just try to ignore it, but tonight? It's so loud.

The situation I am in has happened before. More than once.

I meet someone, I like them, I think they like me too and then when someone else comes along they through me over. Like I meant nothing in the first place. Believe me, even though you think you should stop caring it doesn't hurt any less the more it happens. 

There are two occasions that it has stood out the most: back in 2012, let's call him M, and then just in the last couple of days.

These two occasions stand out the most because they hurt the most, and because I cared the most. Although both occasions were not identical the general  timeline was more or less the same, and although others may say otherwise genuinely cared and thought that they had truly cared. Please, to anyone that may ever read, don't insult me and belittle me by accusing me of just reading into the situation too much. 

As women it's bound to happen in life that we will, misread things that is, but of these two occasions I would bet my life that this was not the case. Only that it was never made clear to me if their intentions and interests were different to mine. 

How can you punish me for being so undeniably when I already feel stupid enough? When all I really wanted was to have my feelings returned?

Learning that someone you care about doesn't feel the same is always a hard pill to swallow and a hard truth to be told. No one ever wants to hear it, and in fact the more people that tell you so actually don't make it any easier. In fact it's more like to make it worse thinking that all of these people are eager to point out much of an idiot you were to have had that faith in the first place.

I feel like that now. 

'You should've known better.'

Really? What should I have known better? Should I have known better than someone could actually love me in return and remain eternally distrustful and skeptical? 

Or, given that this is the second major occasion, should I have known better from before and just assumed that there was no way that they could fancy me after last time? 

By gosh, you're right, silly me for finding myself loveable and worthy of affection. Perhaps I will remember that and there shall never be a third time because I'll know better to never actually believe it's a possibility. 

'There's plenty more fish in the sea.'

No anyone who has heard this phrase will know what a complete waste of time and an insult to injury it actually is. It never actually helps, and in modern society it actually doesn't have a place. Sure there's plenty of single people out in the world but you won't be attracted to all of them, they won't all be attracted to you, with the Internet dating/tinder culture combined with men and women settling down later (see my past posts) - are there really that many? 

And even if you do meet someone else chances are you'll be right back in the same seat later on with someone else, or even the same person, telling you the same lazy, careless line when they really should have known better. 

We don't live in a world where everyone meets someone eventually anymore. I mknown plenty of good people who just want to find someone to love and it escapes them every time. There's no use in telling us white lies that make us actually feel worse, don't improve the situation and only make you feel better for 'doing you part'. 

If I had a dollar for every time I had heard phrases like 'there's plenty more fish in the sea' or 'you'll meet someone eventually', I would be a millionaire. But if I had a dollar for every time it made me feel better or actually helped in some way then I would undoubtedly be in debt.

There's always been that feeling as well that I was always one step away, that it was just out of reach. I've always been the girl next door, the Zeppo, the Alice down the Rabbit Hole that no one really missed, the second best, the consolation prize. The good friend. But is that ever something I wanted to be? No, not really.

I don't remember how or why it originally started, but I don't remember a time before I felt this way, in the back of my mind at least. And it's not something I tell many people, or really most people, but I have never genuinely really felt that I mattered all that much to other people. My mother not included, of course. It's part of the reason I'm rarely afraid to walk home alone at night, to travel on my own to less known areas, it's why I stray from the path and wing it the way I do. I'm not afraid of flying, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm not worried about being pursued or kidnapped or murdered. Statistically yes all those things are possible - but unless I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and these crimes are usually planned by people you know, who'd really care that much to put in the effort? I don't think anyone so passionately hates me lately. 

An amazing freedom does come with it though - not being afraid to strike out and adventure on my own. It's not so much different to being a daredevil, really. 

I am the girl who is in the background doing something but you don't really know what and you don't really care that much to find out. 

'Fish in the sea'? Please, I live in a paddling pool. And half the fish forgot I was there. 

When I was younger I used to imagine that I was some hidden away Princess, glamour'd for protection to never attract attention because that was how I felt. I would muse that when I reached the right age some one would find me and tell me the truth about what I was and everything would make sense. I never wanted to believe that I was just ugly, because I am not, or that I had a terrible personality, because I do not. But eventually I grew up and out of that fantasy because I became to old to believe it anymore - and at 26 if my fairytale were true it would surely have happened already. 

What I never wanted or ever want is to stay the way I am. In the purest of literary terms I want to be the heroine, not just the best friend or the second choice. I don't want to accept being the consolation prize anymore, and that is exactly what I am being offered now. 

Why, when I until only a few days ago thought with all conviction thought I had finally met someone who might care, should I just accept the consolation prize that they are offering me for not being as good as another to them? Just a little 'thanks for playing' to settle their conscience? Maybe I don't want that this time, not when it will be painful to me and unfair to be kept in the sidelines still. 

I have said before on numerous occasions that I don't believe that straight men and women can be friends, and I still don't. Almost every male friend I thought I had feel into one category or another, and I feel this would be no different. I don't need to me made a fool of again, and is that really fair to me to once more settle for the crumbs of affection when I am not good enough to love but fine to be friends with? 

I have amazing friends - worthy friends that never make me feel like a consolation prize. Do I need one more that just wants to keep me around for all the reasons that I could keep for if someone who does care in the future comes along eventually? That is to say if I've been passed over for another woman, why not look to her for the friendship you're asking of me? It seems to me that I don't gain anything from this situation, and the loss would be healthier in the long run. We can't, after all, have our cake and eat it, too. 

I have a hard decision to make and I can't do it when I am still so hurt and angry. But at the end of the day it's only a simple choice, a choice forced on me but one I have to make all the same. There is no right answer but someone will lose either way, and I think whichever way I choose it will be me. 

Sam xox

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Today is not that day

Once again I sit here contemplating my entire life and wondering just what is actually wrong with me. I'm heartbroken, but that's not a new feeling to me, I suppose, and even though I'm hurting I don't know why I ever thought it would be different. 

For my entire life I have been two steps behind what I always wanted. Two degrees of separation behind what I needed and I wish that just once I could feel something other than the painful side to this whole business. For god's sake, am I really so ugly? Is my personality that awful? 

I wanted to write about good guys and bad boys, something light hearted and fun. Just another idea of the way I view the world that might just make sense to someone else as well but my head won't stop pounding. I feel like I just get kicked in the back everytime I think I've dusted myself off and come through the other side. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do - just keep taking it all like an idiot? Starve on the crumbs that I've always been lucky to have? 

I have so much and yet the one thing that I have always ever wanted has never  been mine to take. 

I thought it was - more fool me - and now I just feel like this. Miserable. A complete and utter idiot. But then I suppose that's exactly what I get for thinking that just for once someone might actually fall in love with me.

I'll just have to stick to my on screen and literary romances in future. Read my horror novels, view the world and write about my experiences from the outside. Or at least just the ones I do know something about.

I'm sorry if you've come here to read something more upbeat - today is just not that day. But don't worry, I'll be back - I always come back. 

Sam xox