I mentioned in passing a couple of days ago that I wished that 21 year old Sam had had 26 year old Sam in her corner during the last time and it is most assuredly true: the person I am now would have been the best person to be around the person that I was then. Everything that I have felt and been through since M took a hammer to my heart back then has made me the woman I am today. Let's list a few:
- I graduated from University with honours in archaeology and finally was able to call myself an Archaeologist.
- I completed a book of my own (still working on the publication!)
- I worked away, 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off out into the desert. Meeting new people along the way and of course finding new men to be rejected by.
- I learnt First Aid and how to 4x4 through the outback along with everything that entails.
- I used the money that I earnt working in the desert to travel as much as I could; I went both international and interstate. A couple of 5 week adventures and then one 5 month long stint throughout Europe. I ticked off so many items from my bucket list and realised that I was not afraid to travel to countries like Romania or Turkey on my own.
- I got to live my dream of working, even for a short time, at the British Museum.
- I started working in Travel and was so screwed over I ended up managing an entire business solo and figuring it all out on the fly.
- I lost my beloved dog and my grandmother (not an achievement, but definitely worth mentioning because I loved them both and was devestated to lose them).
- I was pursued by a company I loved and offered the amazing opportunity of moving away from Perth and out to the metropolis that is Sydney.
- I learnt to love myself, love the art of makeup and found enjoyment in applying it, as well as a definite active interest in my own body.
- I found an amazing way to get the added vitamins and nutrients that I needed, and became an advocate for the whole foods that I love.
- oh, and I finally fell into the pool of active sexuality. Hilarious that 'Touch a Touch me' from Rocky Horror just came onto my shuffle right now, but yeah I suppose that's accurate for this part of my post...
I've met plenty of amazing people along the way for keeps and for temporary measures, and whilst I've lost some and kept others every single one has brought me something or taught me something that I didn't know before. I am grateful to have known all of them even if they aren't all still around.
In 2012 I cried a lot more, I couldn't get it out of my mind, I was lethargic, put on weight and I questioned everything I ever thought about my view of the world. Now it's so different, I was so much life experience behind me that although heartbroken and angry I know exactly who I am, what I want from life and that even though the first few days I cried a lot and questioned everything I know that I don't deserve to be made to feel that way. My friendship is worth more, my love is worth more, and I am worth more. No matter how much I loved him, no man is worth it to me if he is so easily able to throw me over for someone else. Hell to the no.
Perhaps that is the difference, the major difference, between the symptoms of heartbreak in 2012 and 2016: that I learnt my worth, and that I realised that I should never have to settle for any less than what I think that I deserve.
I am not talking anything extravagant, just someone who thinks the world of me as I do them.
You may think it callous or unkind of me to, when offered friendship as an alternative to romance, want to deny it. It is spiteful, I don't deny it, but as I've just said the most important thing that learnt between now and when I was heartbroken in 2012 is my own worth. Why, when it will be painful to me, should I settle for second best because that is what someone else wants?
Friendship is supposed to be about equality, what is equal about one person drawing the line and the other just having to deal with it? Why do you think all the friendships I've had with males that have failed when feelings entered into the mix one way or the other? You can't be friends with someone you are in love with when they have rejected you for someone else. Point me out a positive example if you must, but I have seen none.
This heartbreak, ironically, is healthier than the last time. I'm upset, of course, but I know that I have support, I know what I want and what I don't want, and I know that I can't let this get the better of me again when I am worth so much more than that.
So instead of crying, putting on weight, wishing ill on him and his cow (haha - dual reference there, can you pick it?), and questing everything, what better time than to re-calibrate and remember who I am and how far I've come.
I'm so proud to be myself in 2016.
What I said on Monday is still very valid, I can't make any decisions until I am no longer angry or hurt, but putting it further into perspective I still keep thinking that I know the best decision for myself to make.
Let's see what my last minute adventures down to Melbourne bring. A no-strings fling with a handsome stranger might be fun.
Ask and you shall receive, right?