Sunday, January 22, 2017

Leap of Faith vs Having Faith

Taking a leap of faith is something I'm familiar with. Taking a deep breath and doing something frightening, something that makes me nervous or anxious, or putting myself out there by making a big gesture - these things are well-trodden territory to me.

When I am afraid of something, say a film, I'll watch it or immerse myself in it until I'm not afraid of it anymore. Fear can be debilitating, it can freeze you, make you sweat and make you run from things or fail to experience them. I've been called brave for doing things that seem scary to other people - I don't think that I am necessarily braver than most. What I am is determined and what I don't do is, if I can help it, let fear stop me from living my life and doing what is important to me. Sure there are some things that I will always be afraid of and will never be able to conquer no matter how hard I try. Fear can delbilitate and freeze me just as much as anyone if I let it. 

But when I can help it I will do my best to ensure that it doesn't stop me; over and over again in life I have taken leaps of faith that have been scary at the time but so unbelievably rewarding in the long run. And yet there are also times when it isn't rewarding, or it results in pain and failure - that's life. The important thing is I always put my heart on the line and I take the leap in the first place despite what could go wrong.

What I am not is patient or particularly the best at 'keeping' of 'having' faith. 

I'm a dillentante in a lot of ways, fickle and tempestuous. I change my mind all the time, I get paranoid and yes fear takes over when my leap of faith does result in failure. I can't help the way I am.

It is a problem, though, and I can't continue to live this way forever. 

I have issues when it comes to having faith in romance. I am far too easily hurt, I'm overly sensitive and I am distrustful. I have been hurt in the same way more than once, and plenty of other times in other ways as well. I have always wanted to meet someone and form a relationship but I never realised until now how unbelievably stunted I am in my ability to do so - I have let my scars and fears debilitate me. I have never noticed before because my fears are realised, but what happens if this time I am just letting worry get in the way? 

Over the years I've developed an issue with inferiority, insecurity and lack of self worth. That means that I, because of what has happened to me in the past, struggle to trust and have faith that someone could want to be with me. Not because I don't think that I am amazing, that I am worthy and that I am a good person. No, I think it because I have been cultivated to feel by my past experiences that I am second best, that I am not worth putting the effort into to be with and that I am not enough. Complete bollocks, logically I know. But subconsciously I have been so hurt I can't trust or simply have faith that I am worth everything and that someone will put in the effort to stay with me.  

This is what has been brought to my attention this week, and this is what I want to work on now. It's like an illness, it will eat away at me for the rest of my life if I don't address it now and I don't work towards fixing it. I am not broken, I am not ruined and I am not so far gone that I cannot come back from this. 

It will be hard, and I have been this way a while - made worse each year - but I have to do this or I will never be able to be happy even if I am with someone. 

I came to this realisation this week after fear and paranoia made me blow up at my unofficial thing. Emotion running high and logic taking a backseat I gave into the fear that the reason for him not making anything official with me was because I wasn't enough. Just like so many others had done to me in the past, I fear that he is biding his time with me until either someone better comes along or he gets tired of me. Using me, lying to me, and leaving me once again to pick up the pieces afterward.  

I blurted my feelings, my fears and had it out. I showed him the door to leave if that's what he'd wanted, and yet for once (as in regards to previous romances) he not only stayed but made the effort to assure me that things would be ok. No one has ever done that to me before - they've usually either not bothered to reply to me, or if they have then they only considered themselves and what they wanted. Never how I felt, what I wanted or tried to make me feel ok where I was. 

Logic, when it did return, pointed out the not-so obvious in reminding me that things were not necessarily as they seemed no matter how much my fear and hurt over another repeat was weighing on me. The reality was for once someone really was telling me the truth in that they were not yet ready to progress - and not because of me. Logic told me to actually look at the facts: 

- Just like I, he had been hurt before and recently (very recently) which still required time to recover. I was being unfair, not particularly understanding, selfish and impatient. 
- He had said before that I had come along too fast and too serious than anticipated; that can be frightening and can shake people, which I am one to know. 
- He had been given an out, a run down of what I want and how I felt, and had still cared enough to assure me that what I was jumping to the conclusion of what wasn't the case. 
- I was assuming despite everything he said and did, and ignoring his personality in the process. I assumed that he couldn't have really cared because this, this and that. 

The real issue wasn't that he didn't want to be with me, it was that he wasn't ready to be with me in any greater capacity than he currently is. Not because he found me lacking but because I turned up barely a month after his last relationship went sour, he was still hurting, things with me were more serious and real than anticipated much too quickly, he was not ready to put his heart on the line again, and yet did not want to leave either. The truth of the matter genuinely may be that he isn't in the state of mind to be with me right now - he in fact may never be. But the point is that both he and I are afraid, scarred by our past, which leads me to worrying more so than I should when what I really need to focus on is having some faith. 

I never realised how hard I found it to have faith, how distrusting and jaded I had become, how ruined I was by my past, how much I want to fix this part of myself, and how much I really care about this person that I want to do this for him as much as myself. 

We may never work but this is real enough to me that I want to try and in doing so be patient enough, have enough faith, that I won't take off at the first sign of not having what I want. That he won't just ditch me for someone else because I'm not good enough. Fear can't just control me like this anymore, not when I know that I work so hard to overcome my fears in other aspects of my life. 

It's not the clearest or easiest fear to overcome but I'm on it already. Immersion, meditation, patience and reminding myself to have faith is going to get me through - for me. Irrespective of what happens in the future I can't move on until I can overcome this lack of security and inferiority complex that I've developed. 

Sam xox 

Monday, January 16, 2017

Give your heart a break

Funnily enough, the Demi Lovato song Give Your Heart a Break is kind of appropriate to my current situation. I can't force anything and yet the situation is frustrating. I need way more affection than I feel like I'm getting.

Why do I always just get crumbs? 

I really, genuinely fancy this person in a surprisingly real kind of way yet he doesn't even know how he feels or if he wants to be with me. 

I was some heartbreaking sociopathic floozy in my past life, wasn't I? 

Sam xox

P.s I accidentally typed 'SOS' instead of 'xox'. Not wrong, I really could use the help. Or one of those cosmic interventions. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Catching Fire

Have you ever heard the term 'catching feelings' ? 

Well, first of all that's a stupid term. Feelings aren't a disease that's spread and unless you're a sociopath most people have them to begin with. What does happen however is that they can develop and change over time. Love can turn to hate, lust can turn to love, altruism can turn to genuine affection. Feelings are a giant melting pot more complicated than the chemical brain reactions they technically are and will more often than not get people into trouble at some point.

Now I think that I've contemplated it, I'm in trouble once again.

It's not the first time that I've developed feelings for someone but in a weird way this seems entirely different. I've had crushes before, I've fallen into shallow love with men that really didn't deserve it, and I've felt giddy like the Disney princess I still am inside. But I'm not sure that I've ever felt like this before - though bare with me, it's still new and I'm not sure I really even understand how I feel. Kind of like reading a script in French and thinking you sort of get the gist but your intuition says no. 

I am not in love. Not yet. 

Sure, I feel like it could go that way eventually, or maybe I'm just at the beginning of the slippery slope, but I am not in love. I'm not planning my future wedding, I am not thinking about kids, I am not thinking about long term at all. My biggest concern right now is that I want this man to stop deliberating, stop freaking out and to let me not only call him my boyfriend to people that ask but to him as well. In fact this is such a concern that the thought of me having to make the decision to cut him off really hurts, or to think of him being with someone else makes me feel sort of ill. This is a very strange and scary place to be at right now. 

Whilst he is still my not-boyfriend, unwilling or unable to take it further with me, I am at an awkward position. I want more but if I push I will push him away, and at the same time I don't want to end it which I know I will have to after a while if things don't progress (it's only been 2 months so I've still got time). This in-between stage can't last forever and I can't stay feeling as insecure and unsure of myself as I do now. I've felt like I've been treading on eggshells with people before but I've never felt before like I do right now - just like I'm trying to keep myself contained and poised. This not-relationship is ironically very real and therefore super harrowing for me as all of my anxiety regarding commitment is starting to surface. 

If you're reading this thinking maybe I'm just mental and that I'm not making sense then you wouldn't be wrong - It barely makes sense to me. But one thing's for sure is that it's not unfixable. 

I have had dreams of running away from men, from weddings, from pregnancy and all all sorts of similar commitment since I was very little. Every now and then it will make me anxious, I might even have a panic attack which will involve me quite literally short of breath and probably in tears, but it will pass. Usually it's not an issue - I'm rarely in any position of such commitment that I'm too worried and even then when it comes to my fears I generally push through them until they go away. But today I'm feeling like the panic is setting in - its too early and that concerns me that I'm a basket case. This person isn't even sure that they want to be with me, so why am I panicking about commitment? Why today do I feel like there's a gremlin sitting on my chest and restricting the circulation of oxygen to my lungs? 

Is it because whilst I'm in limbo, unsure of him or myself and what is happening, I can't start to acclimatise to overcoming my anxiety? It's fixable - my phobia is not an insurmountable hurdle, I know it, but when his hurdle is already standing in the way how the hell am I supposed to overcome mine? 

And even then if he never decides, and I have to leave, or he ends it, then what was the point of being worried in the first place? No hurdle of mine will even be tackled let alone overcome if there is never the person to do so. You can't overcome a phobia related to commuting to someone without someone you want to be with, right? 

I'm an over thinker so sometimes I can't help but get lost in a feeling like this - especially when I've been hurt more than once before and I'm feeling some very real emotions encroaching on me that will only reopen those scars. As well as, and he's the real kicker that's inciting my issues: he doesn't want to commit to me because he's been hurt when my commitment issues stem from trust and my scars come from being hurt and betrayed myself. 

How the ever loving hell does anyone get into an actual relationship ever? 

If you're looking for me, I'll be over in the avoidance corner pretending that none of this BS is actually bothering me. 

Sam xox



Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Welcome to 2017

To say that 2016 ended collectively on a bit of a low note is an understatement, and all over the world we saw people telling the past year not to hit it on the arse as it left. Yet with open arms to 2017 it seems that the unfortunate realisation that we aren't out of the woods seems to have sunk in already. 

I've had worse years than 2016, though I will say that more than one horror show crept up on me during the calendar year. Some fun examples include: the death of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, two amazing stars I'll be sure to miss; Brexit; President elect Trump; saying 'bye Felicia' to some not-friends; and my stream of fun, awkward and terrible dates at the beginning of the festive season. 

Now it hasn't all been bad news for me as I'm sure you've followed over the year and as I mentioned in my last post, so there have been plenty of highlights as well. Balance in effect. 

2017 has started off with some uncertainty though and I must admit I am a tad uneasy about where I'm at currently. Nothing to throw in the towel about though or to really write off the year on, just some things that have caused a bit of perservenrence to keep me going. It's barely mid-January and I've had to face some serious life choices and changes already. Scary.

Nothing bad so much as adulting on a level I've managed to avoid for most of my actual life simply because I didn't need it and that it wasn't necessary. Now popular opinion has proven me otherwise, though I digress I've received no such comment from the medical professionals I actually consulted. 

Now since it is a very real and important topic, as well as one we've never discussed here before, I thought it might be an interesting way to begin the year. Especially when I consider that this, this version of taking control of my life, my body, my future and my dreams,  is exactly the right way to look at a brand new year. Call me a control freak if you will but sometimes keeping a tight reign on things can be a benefit more so than spontaneity. Neverless it's always fun to be spontaneous when you can deal with the consequences. 

What I am referring to is in fact, rather scarily, the consequences of being intimate with someone. Call them your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, spouse, whatever you like (Not-Boyfriend in my case), safety is important and so is responsibility. 

This is probably a bit rich coming from me since it has only been this year, when I'm about to turn 27, that I have capitulated by going onto the pill, had all my necessary checks, and let the docotors sign me up for a Pap smear. In this day and age most women usually do this sort of thing in their late teens - I've always been a unicorn when it comes to love and sex so it should come as no surprise that I was not among them. But for me there was no need to do so. I wasn't having sex so why did I need to worry about its consequences? Things like pregnancy, STD's - unless I was the unluckiest human in the world, they weren't really possible. They always say the best prevention is celibacy, right?

Well eventually that changed and now the time finally came to actually pursue these things. I didn't love doing it, and it's not been fun, but I feel less paranoid and significantly more at ease after doing so. Taking control of myself, getting these things done even when I didn't want to, were a resolution and a big step up on the adulting tier system. 

I know who I am at 26, I know what I want and what I don't want. I'm taking control of 2017 at least in this way.