The Happn/Tinder Experience
Let me start by saying that not everyone not will agree with what I have to say here, as always, and in some way you may think that not only am I wrong but you could find it makes your angry. Let me refrain by reiterating even before we start, that this is my experience and interpretation only.
I, like many Generation X and Y kids, have bitten the bullet and tested out Tinder. To my brother's hilarity and my friends' looks of pity, I figured I would give it a go since I didn't have much else to lose. This was also back in 2013 when it had yet to garner the reputation of being an app designed for a quick hook-up. I, an ever-dying romantic, had been recommended to try it after deciding that OK Cupid and Oasis made me feel more inclined to shrivel up and die of boredom.
So I tried Tinder for the first time.
I'm not going to lie but in that first initial swipe streak it was fun; suddenly there was all this opportunity that I - eternally single - had never noticed before. But it got boring fast and after a few weeks I deleted it like the others and moved on with my life.
That's around the time that the reputation started to become a lot better known and in hindsight, I became ashamed to think that that was where I was at. Even lonely sometimes I couldn't bring myself to bring it back and try again for another 2 years.
By 2015 it was common knowledge that the majority of people on Tinder were just out for a quick shag or a late night booty call, although I am hesitant to actually say that that was what the creators had intended in the beginning.
Let's break for a second and explain Tinder for those out there who are reading and are not familiar with how it works. Basically it can be whittled down to an app that calculates people within a certain age range, distance and sexuality (you can edit these) and by linking with your Facebook profile, allows you to make matches. What is notorious about Tinder is that the way you make matches is by swiping left (for no) or right (for yes) - its popular culture now, you are probably familiar with this concept already. However you can only match with someone who swipes right on you as well, and can only contact matches. Relatively simple, quick, easy and takes a lot of the back work of some of the major online dating websites out of the mix. There are no formulas here, no questionnaires, just men and women swiping left or right depending on whether or not they find each other attractive. Attraction based.
Makes sense how it turned into an app known for hook ups and casual sex.
Almost ironically that has almost been starting to change now as more and more actual couples are starting to filter to the surface after having met on Tinder. I can think of at least three couples amongst my friends that have started this way. I'm not going to rattle off statistics but that is quite an achievement when the general consensus seems to be that you don't meet boyfriends or girlfriends on Tinder.
I will however offer that if Tinder is a hookup app as a rule, then those lucky few who do happen to make actual romantic connections are in fact the exceptions. Good for them but they are still the minority.
Happn is a relatively newer app that hit the scene far more recently in the past 12 months and works on a slightly similar basis; you don't swipe left or right, but the app does run through Facebook and calculates people based on age, distance and sexuality as well. What makes Happn unique, is that it deigns to help you meet people you have crossed paths with in real life such as the cute guy who smiled at you on the train or the girl at Starbuck's. And in a sense it does work, you will have those opportunities, but since it is based on distance it seems to be going down the rabbit hole like Tinder did and becoming about hook ups as well.
Now my experience has been relatively varied; I've met great guys, interesting guys, guys only interested in the one thing, and guys that I would have loved to hold hands with at the movies. I have not to this day, on any online dating forum, met someone who liked me enough to hang around, but I don't disregard that they are certainly out there. I just don't necessarily, from experience, believe that they are on Tinder.
But I did try.
Last week in an effort to really give it a chance, I spent some quality time on both Tinder and Happn to in all effect maximise my chances. All in all, I must have swiped close to 150 matches across both apps and made a conscious effort to contact every single one of them. It is a common grumble of men on Tinder especially that women don't speak first, which I disagree, so I set out my social experiment to not only roll with my chances but to try my hand at changing some other ideas. Did it work? No.
I must have had about 20 replies. Out of 150 or so. Not very flattering and certainly not much to go on or encourage any good karma by staying.
Tinder was the first to go, and minutes later it was Happn, with a pressure lifted off immediately.
The thing is if you are not out for a hookup then being on an app that encourages it is only a sure-fire way to a world of disappointment. I spoke a few weeks ago about the line 'I'm not looking for a relationship', and I would recommend you get used to hearing it because whilst the more mature online dating sites will almost always consist of people who are open to relationships those on the likes of Tinder and Happn make no such promises. They don't have to, so they don't.
Admittedly a lot of those utilising the hook up aspect will be at a time in their lives where it is acceptable and desired, but if you aren't aware of what you are up against then you could very well be into some real hurt later on.
As a woman who has been through that ringer I can tell you that when you enter into an arrangement without being on the same page it can only end in tears; apps used for hook ups are far too easily the cause of misunderstanding. For example, myself on more than one occasion have met someone I liked and come to the unfortunate realisation that no they aren't interested in my personality, or me, after all. Crushing, really.
And I am not putting down the world of the casual hook ups or sex without strings attached, it works well for many, but it doesn't work for me. It is not in my nature and in fact it makes me feel horrible about myself, used even, because I have never been under the impression that this was what I was in for and therein lies the problem. Being open, as I have written before in my Adult Female Truths article, would end so many relationship troubles before they start. This misunderstanding, hurt and often crushing disappointment is why I have recognised that well no Tinder is just not going to work for me.
Real life romance does happen, even in this modern world when so much of what we do or say happens via social media or generally online. There is no reason to even think that you can't meet someone out and about like out parents and grandparents did.
A friend of mine only very recently had the experience one would think happens only on screen: she caught the eye of a man on the train, worked up the courage to speak to him after a few sightings, and found that in so many aspects there were on the same page. In no time at all their relationship went from zero to fifty and still climbing. Chance encounters do happen, they happen all the time. I have had plenty even if not a single one has resulted in the kind of romantic relationship that my friend is now experiencing. It could happen still.
I feel better having made the exit.
I will not be joining any internet dating website either as I have never been a fan of it, which I say having tried multiple different kinds, and rather controversially have decided that if I don't ever meet someone the old fashioned way then perhaps that is not in my destiny. I don't believe in coincidences, God or that the universe is fair, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason -- karma and that even though I make things happen for myself I am following the right path of a grand design. Internet dating is not my style, it doesn't make me feel good about myself and it sort of makes me feel like I am trying to force something that isn't there, so certainly for right now I am glad to be free of it and feel I have made the right choice.
I just really hope that who or whatever out there doesn't make me eat my words later. They always punish hubris.
Sam xox
I, like many Generation X and Y kids, have bitten the bullet and tested out Tinder. To my brother's hilarity and my friends' looks of pity, I figured I would give it a go since I didn't have much else to lose. This was also back in 2013 when it had yet to garner the reputation of being an app designed for a quick hook-up. I, an ever-dying romantic, had been recommended to try it after deciding that OK Cupid and Oasis made me feel more inclined to shrivel up and die of boredom.
So I tried Tinder for the first time.
I'm not going to lie but in that first initial swipe streak it was fun; suddenly there was all this opportunity that I - eternally single - had never noticed before. But it got boring fast and after a few weeks I deleted it like the others and moved on with my life.
That's around the time that the reputation started to become a lot better known and in hindsight, I became ashamed to think that that was where I was at. Even lonely sometimes I couldn't bring myself to bring it back and try again for another 2 years.
By 2015 it was common knowledge that the majority of people on Tinder were just out for a quick shag or a late night booty call, although I am hesitant to actually say that that was what the creators had intended in the beginning.
Let's break for a second and explain Tinder for those out there who are reading and are not familiar with how it works. Basically it can be whittled down to an app that calculates people within a certain age range, distance and sexuality (you can edit these) and by linking with your Facebook profile, allows you to make matches. What is notorious about Tinder is that the way you make matches is by swiping left (for no) or right (for yes) - its popular culture now, you are probably familiar with this concept already. However you can only match with someone who swipes right on you as well, and can only contact matches. Relatively simple, quick, easy and takes a lot of the back work of some of the major online dating websites out of the mix. There are no formulas here, no questionnaires, just men and women swiping left or right depending on whether or not they find each other attractive. Attraction based.
Makes sense how it turned into an app known for hook ups and casual sex.
Almost ironically that has almost been starting to change now as more and more actual couples are starting to filter to the surface after having met on Tinder. I can think of at least three couples amongst my friends that have started this way. I'm not going to rattle off statistics but that is quite an achievement when the general consensus seems to be that you don't meet boyfriends or girlfriends on Tinder.
I will however offer that if Tinder is a hookup app as a rule, then those lucky few who do happen to make actual romantic connections are in fact the exceptions. Good for them but they are still the minority.
Happn is a relatively newer app that hit the scene far more recently in the past 12 months and works on a slightly similar basis; you don't swipe left or right, but the app does run through Facebook and calculates people based on age, distance and sexuality as well. What makes Happn unique, is that it deigns to help you meet people you have crossed paths with in real life such as the cute guy who smiled at you on the train or the girl at Starbuck's. And in a sense it does work, you will have those opportunities, but since it is based on distance it seems to be going down the rabbit hole like Tinder did and becoming about hook ups as well.
Now my experience has been relatively varied; I've met great guys, interesting guys, guys only interested in the one thing, and guys that I would have loved to hold hands with at the movies. I have not to this day, on any online dating forum, met someone who liked me enough to hang around, but I don't disregard that they are certainly out there. I just don't necessarily, from experience, believe that they are on Tinder.
But I did try.
Last week in an effort to really give it a chance, I spent some quality time on both Tinder and Happn to in all effect maximise my chances. All in all, I must have swiped close to 150 matches across both apps and made a conscious effort to contact every single one of them. It is a common grumble of men on Tinder especially that women don't speak first, which I disagree, so I set out my social experiment to not only roll with my chances but to try my hand at changing some other ideas. Did it work? No.
I must have had about 20 replies. Out of 150 or so. Not very flattering and certainly not much to go on or encourage any good karma by staying.
Tinder was the first to go, and minutes later it was Happn, with a pressure lifted off immediately.
The thing is if you are not out for a hookup then being on an app that encourages it is only a sure-fire way to a world of disappointment. I spoke a few weeks ago about the line 'I'm not looking for a relationship', and I would recommend you get used to hearing it because whilst the more mature online dating sites will almost always consist of people who are open to relationships those on the likes of Tinder and Happn make no such promises. They don't have to, so they don't.
Admittedly a lot of those utilising the hook up aspect will be at a time in their lives where it is acceptable and desired, but if you aren't aware of what you are up against then you could very well be into some real hurt later on.
As a woman who has been through that ringer I can tell you that when you enter into an arrangement without being on the same page it can only end in tears; apps used for hook ups are far too easily the cause of misunderstanding. For example, myself on more than one occasion have met someone I liked and come to the unfortunate realisation that no they aren't interested in my personality, or me, after all. Crushing, really.
And I am not putting down the world of the casual hook ups or sex without strings attached, it works well for many, but it doesn't work for me. It is not in my nature and in fact it makes me feel horrible about myself, used even, because I have never been under the impression that this was what I was in for and therein lies the problem. Being open, as I have written before in my Adult Female Truths article, would end so many relationship troubles before they start. This misunderstanding, hurt and often crushing disappointment is why I have recognised that well no Tinder is just not going to work for me.
Real life romance does happen, even in this modern world when so much of what we do or say happens via social media or generally online. There is no reason to even think that you can't meet someone out and about like out parents and grandparents did.
A friend of mine only very recently had the experience one would think happens only on screen: she caught the eye of a man on the train, worked up the courage to speak to him after a few sightings, and found that in so many aspects there were on the same page. In no time at all their relationship went from zero to fifty and still climbing. Chance encounters do happen, they happen all the time. I have had plenty even if not a single one has resulted in the kind of romantic relationship that my friend is now experiencing. It could happen still.
I feel better having made the exit.
I will not be joining any internet dating website either as I have never been a fan of it, which I say having tried multiple different kinds, and rather controversially have decided that if I don't ever meet someone the old fashioned way then perhaps that is not in my destiny. I don't believe in coincidences, God or that the universe is fair, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason -- karma and that even though I make things happen for myself I am following the right path of a grand design. Internet dating is not my style, it doesn't make me feel good about myself and it sort of makes me feel like I am trying to force something that isn't there, so certainly for right now I am glad to be free of it and feel I have made the right choice.
I just really hope that who or whatever out there doesn't make me eat my words later. They always punish hubris.
Sam xox
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