Healthy/ Unhealthy
It's been a little while! I know, I know.
Like I said NaNo this year was a little more than mental. 'Insane' actually falls short. I whipped myself into shape cracking my word limit every day and amazingly finished on target on day 20, two days ahead of my PB from last year and 10 days before the official NaNo end date (30th). And oh believe me doing a 9 hour day at work, keeping an average of 10,000 steps per day (not during work hours! I have a desk based job now) and pumping out 50,000 words of fiction that I already known the story for (Allora and Dominic'a story has been in the works since 2004, when I was 14! So I already knew exactly what I was working on from the start) is really, really hard. I seriously challenge you to tell me that it was easy. But I did it even if I had to increase my caffeine intake and occasionally slap myself awake when I started to pass out on the keyboard. Sometimes I had to delete paragraphs because they were written half asleep and made more or less no sense.
I hate to admit it, and of course in hindsight it seems silly now, but at the time it felt like no one had time for me or really understood. I have a great selection of friends and family, let me get that straight, but sometimes all it it takes it one word from someone who cares to make everything better. And I got that, of course, but it wasn't from the get go and as a result I spent two full days feeling worse and worse. Which is my own fault as much as anyone's for not sending out an SOS immediately. Plus my feelings are usually pretty transparent so people catch me out right away if they see me face to face, which few people actually did since most of my correspondence was the digital kind.
My point here is sometimes you feel low, and that happens, but let my awful weekend be a lesson to everyone: get help right away. If it's just PMS or a down moment then that's great, but at least you have the support if things get worse and sometimes that support nips it in the bud before it even can get worse. I was aware, but not everyone is - sometimes you can fall so far before you even realise you have. Look at it like travel insurance; if things go wrong then you have it to help you out, and if you don't need it then at least you would still have been fine. But if you don't have it and you really needed it...well, dkshshahagsvsbsns!!!!!!!!!!
There really are no words for that. As they say its often way better to have something and not need it, then to need it and not have it.
First it was NaNo plus this new 10,000 step competition that was high grade kicking my ass and left me without any extra time to check in. Then it was the post NaNo depression that had me curled into a ball for a whole weekend feeling poorly, and after that it's just been work keeping me on my toes trying to get my head around everything. The world of travel is amazing, but still damn hard work.
But I'm here now, did you miss me?
Like I said NaNo this year was a little more than mental. 'Insane' actually falls short. I whipped myself into shape cracking my word limit every day and amazingly finished on target on day 20, two days ahead of my PB from last year and 10 days before the official NaNo end date (30th). And oh believe me doing a 9 hour day at work, keeping an average of 10,000 steps per day (not during work hours! I have a desk based job now) and pumping out 50,000 words of fiction that I already known the story for (Allora and Dominic'a story has been in the works since 2004, when I was 14! So I already knew exactly what I was working on from the start) is really, really hard. I seriously challenge you to tell me that it was easy. But I did it even if I had to increase my caffeine intake and occasionally slap myself awake when I started to pass out on the keyboard. Sometimes I had to delete paragraphs because they were written half asleep and made more or less no sense.
But I did it! My PB NaNo certificate now has pride of place in a frame on the wall in my tea room. Hell, I earnt it. That little piece of paper saying that I did it really means the world to me. Writing is my life, it means as much to me as my day job so hitting that target is just as important to me as whatever I did during the day. Sure I 'do it to myself', but can I just say ditto to absolutely everybody else's job stress.
And it is stressful. Starting a brand new job is hard enough without adhering to a strict exercise regime and wringing your brain for creativity on the side.
So when I hit my PB 10 days ahead of schedule despite the insanity of it all, simultaneously fleshing out a novel I'd been working on for 10 years, suffered some real disappointment at work and at home, and no one was around for a high five it sent me into a spiral. I did something pretty amazing, and, regardless of whether or not its actually true, it seemed like no one really cared.
I hate to admit it, and of course in hindsight it seems silly now, but at the time it felt like no one had time for me or really understood. I have a great selection of friends and family, let me get that straight, but sometimes all it it takes it one word from someone who cares to make everything better. And I got that, of course, but it wasn't from the get go and as a result I spent two full days feeling worse and worse. Which is my own fault as much as anyone's for not sending out an SOS immediately. Plus my feelings are usually pretty transparent so people catch me out right away if they see me face to face, which few people actually did since most of my correspondence was the digital kind.
I'm generally pretty happy these days, and so I didn't make it clear enough that I was feeling so low until the second day in and by then I was feeling particularly terrible. Struggling to get out of bed or fake smile kind of terrible, and on the decline. It was getting bad enough that I knew if I let it continue I was going to be in far worse shape than I'd been in a long time. But I was lucky, I was aware enough of what was happening even if I couldn't stop it that it needed to be stopped. I needed the help, simple as that, and I knew that my friends would provide it if I only asked. So I did, better late than never, and things got better. It took a lot of internal bravado and virtual hugging, tears and animal cuddles, before they did but I was better for it in the end.
There really are no words for that. As they say its often way better to have something and not need it, then to need it and not have it.
Plus, how can your friends help you if you don't let them know you need it? Not everyone can be like Carrie White, or Jean Gray.
Despite my awful weekend, I am actually really good. My health kick is really working, I've lost 4kg in the past 8 weeks which is nothing to scoff at when you consider muscle weighs more than fat and I spend about 9 hours in a chair 5 days a week. I eat healthy, Krispy Kreme excitement aside, and I work really hard to make my recommended 10,000 steps a day using the Fitbit pedometer I bought. I carried on the Green Coffee Bean and Garcinia Cambogia for the entire time before getting too lazy to take them and decided to take a week off this week. I need to resupply anyway, so I'll get back on that next week.
My BMI might still consider me obese, but with my muscle tone, epic exercise, 4kg weight loss and all the noticeable differences in my body I would definitely say that what I am doing is working for me. Especially since as long as I stay within my calorie budget per day and keep up my protein/fibre intake then I can pretty much eat what I want to (within reason). It's been pretty great actually. I'm committed as ever and I can see results so I'm sticking to it, and being healthy really just makes a difference in personal organisation and control. I'm not wonderfully spontaneous, but I was never really good at that anyway and to be honest I kind of think its overrated.
I'm a human so I have my down days like my awful weekend, and I am always trying to improve myself. Since I know that so many people do too, I'll leave you with this song because its something I like to listen to if I need a boost. If you're male or female, happy with your body but down, or if you maybe want to shed a few kilos or tone or put on muscle or even put on a few kilos, my biggest advice is just make sure you are doing it for yourself - not anybody else. Being healthy in body and mind is what you want to aim for, and that means accepting that you get down sometimes, that your achievements are amazing, and that you can change your body when you find what works best for you. But the most important thing? Remember that you are enough.
Despite my awful weekend, I am actually really good. My health kick is really working, I've lost 4kg in the past 8 weeks which is nothing to scoff at when you consider muscle weighs more than fat and I spend about 9 hours in a chair 5 days a week. I eat healthy, Krispy Kreme excitement aside, and I work really hard to make my recommended 10,000 steps a day using the Fitbit pedometer I bought. I carried on the Green Coffee Bean and Garcinia Cambogia for the entire time before getting too lazy to take them and decided to take a week off this week. I need to resupply anyway, so I'll get back on that next week.
My BMI might still consider me obese, but with my muscle tone, epic exercise, 4kg weight loss and all the noticeable differences in my body I would definitely say that what I am doing is working for me. Especially since as long as I stay within my calorie budget per day and keep up my protein/fibre intake then I can pretty much eat what I want to (within reason). It's been pretty great actually. I'm committed as ever and I can see results so I'm sticking to it, and being healthy really just makes a difference in personal organisation and control. I'm not wonderfully spontaneous, but I was never really good at that anyway and to be honest I kind of think its overrated.I'm a human so I have my down days like my awful weekend, and I am always trying to improve myself. Since I know that so many people do too, I'll leave you with this song because its something I like to listen to if I need a boost. If you're male or female, happy with your body but down, or if you maybe want to shed a few kilos or tone or put on muscle or even put on a few kilos, my biggest advice is just make sure you are doing it for yourself - not anybody else. Being healthy in body and mind is what you want to aim for, and that means accepting that you get down sometimes, that your achievements are amazing, and that you can change your body when you find what works best for you. But the most important thing? Remember that you are enough.
Have a listen, think about what the words mean to you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeoju61eYbw
Sam xox
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