Men & Marriage

I’ve been accused lately of being anti-men and anti-marriage, so I want to clear a few things up because I’m really neither. What I am is sick and tired of the soul-crushing disappointment when it comes to both topics.

I’ve worked very, very hard to move past my childish, fairy tale notion of meeting the right person. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t - it doesn’t matter because what I’ve learnt is that plenty of people in relationships are actually pretty unhappy. I’ve finally realised how great it is being single and I’m not in a rush to change that. 

I’ve told you how online and app dating makes me feel, yet I continue to try and put myself out there and be open to meeting new people. I am not against meeting someone, it just doesn’t happen. I even tested out the ‘not my usual type’ mentality which, not surprisingly, also doesn’t work because, shocker, they are never what I’m interested in. 

My standards have gotten so high that honestly I’m not even sure someone will sweep me off my feet let alone put in the effort to do so. I deserve the effort - why would I ever settle for less? 

I’m not anti-men, but honestly I don’t really need them. I’m not talking about my male friends or family, but when it comes to a new romantic partner I just don’t have the patience, they are never what I’m hoping for and the crushing disappointment over the years has left me scarred. I’m resilient and that little ember of hope will never be extinguished, but honestly my life is so much more than a DOA romance and I’m tired of feeling like I’m anything less than because I’ve never had someone. 

I’m open to someone, but honestly I’m just tired. I’ve moved on from the overt romantic I was when I was younger. 

I also see differently now and I know what kind of BS I’m not willing to put up with anymore. Wishy-washy men who aren’t sure about me? Bye, Felicia. Low-key emotionally manipulative creeps? Not today, Satan. It’s taken time but I’ve reached a point in life when it’s just not my priority anymore.

And yet I sit through the questions. ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ ‘Why not’ ‘aren’t you lonely’ ‘don’t you want kids’ ‘don’t you want to get married’

The types of questions and how far down the rabbit hole they go always depend on the person asking. I rarely think of a witty response to them on the spot which bothers me, but despite the questions coming from a genuine place they sort of become less ok as I get older. People are just curious and relationships are such an ingrained part of social interaction - so I understand - but I’m so much more than the fact that I’m single. It is not a fact universally acknowledged that a single woman must be in want of a husband. 

Ask me about literally anything else. I’ll talk you to death about historical facts but I find myself justifying over and over again why I haven’t met someone - like for a long time that was actually my choice. 

I love being single and until such time as someone amazing comes along, which might be never, that’s how I’m going to stay. Happy, uncomplicated and free. 

If I don’t have kids that’s just how it goes. 

I’m also not anti-men generally, even if it seems hard sometimes to not be. The amount of crap I see online, on the news, from my friends - I genuinely think half the world’s problems would ease if all men (and I suppose people generally) would go to therapy when they actually need it. Just imagine. 

A friend of mine recently started seeing someone and for maybe a week everything was grand, before his controlling, possessive and manipulative side came out. In a very specific way, you know what I mean. He blamed it on having been cheated on in the past and being extra cautious of the new relationship. And if that had been the case then it was clear to me as an outsider that homeboy was not only not ready to be in a new relationship but also needed some therapy. But it very quickly became clear that it wasnt just distrust and definitely verging into more insidious territory. 

That really scares me - just how damaging these kinds of behaviours are and how easily people get caught up in them. Women don’t wake up and decide to be in domestic abuse situations - they’re often in the middle of them long before they realise they are. And I’ve seen it over and over again with my friends, with random people online, in movies. The more you recognise the signs the more you notice it in content and media you’d have never even realised before. 

Then you have the whole realm of sexual violence, which we won’t get into, but Promising Young Woman (which I very highly recommend as essential viewing) really changed how I view a lot of situations including my own past. 

And yet I’m not anti-men. I don’t hate men, I don’t dislike men, and I am open to meeting someone still. I just think very differently to the way I used to about relationships. I might be single by default but I’ve been single for so long (basically my whole life) that giving them up is scary without all the added anxieties around getting trapped in a relationship with someone who’s not actually nice. I’m not afraid of being on my own - I know who I am and what I am and am not prepared to compromise. 

I’m also not anti-marriage. I do want to get married one day - but it’s not a goal. None of my life goals are dependent on finding a man so I can’t fail at my goal unless it’s my own fault. Instead, getting married one day would be nice.

But I’ve slowly realised over the last decade or so that weddings come with a lot of politics and trauma I don’t think I’m interested in putting up with. 

The only real dream my parents had for me when It came to weddings was from my mum and that I should get married at her house. She had an idea in mind which she got to live out when she re-married about 5 years ago. Since then if they’ve had any ideas neither has told me. 

I’ve been to a lot of weddings and I’ve been very honoured to be apart of all of them. I’m happy for my friends and family who get married and I’m very happy that they think of me to be there - that means a lot to me. But that’s not always the case and I’ve heard from basically every single one of them who went through it how much of a nightmare different elements were to coordinate. Not even to mention the cost. 

The more I hear these stories to more I think I just don’t want to put myself through it. I’ll still get married but I don’t need the big wedding. Me, my (very lucky) groom, a handful of witnesses and a celebrant at the park? Done. Go on a better honeymoon.

After all these years I don’t even care about a proper wedding dress. 

And don’t read that to mean I’m anti-wedding now either. I’m just anti-wedding for myself. There’s people I don’t want to invite, logistics I don’t want to deal with, money I don’t have to spend and fairytale dreams I no longer have. As I get older it’s just not what I want anymore. Something small, simple, uncomplicated is all I’d need. 

In the end I’m not anti-men, anti-marriage or even anti-wedding. I have been hurt, I’m tired and I’ve moved on with my life to where I’m genuinely doing great on my own (with a good support system of friends and family). I’m only lonely when I can’t see my friends and even then I have a dog who’s need for attentions next level. 

Being more critical than I used to be doesn’t mean I hate the things now - I’m just older and more realistic about what I want and what I don’t.

Sam xox