No Big Deal

There was a time, not long ago, when I stood in the bathroom of a wedding venue staring myself down in the mirror and begging myself to stop crying. 

I had wine which always makes the situation worse, and I was at a wedding which surely didn’t help.

The wedding was beautiful. They couple deeply in love, the venue gorgeous, the people happy and the drinks were flowing. I was happy to be there - a lot more than I can really even express and for a number of different reasons. And yet for maybe an hour or more I just couldn’t make the tears stop.

I excused myself, I hid in the bathroom. I made a deal with the devil and prayed to every one of the old gods to just make it go away. What was I crying for? Because it wasn’t my wedding? Because I felt old at 30 and felt like time was getting away from me?

I don’t need to reiterate how much it bothers me that it does, from time to time, bother me that I have essentially always been single. I’m not less for being single. I know who I am, what I want and romance can’t, and shouldn’t, hold me back. 

So why couldn’t I stop? 

I think for the most part I managed to hide it from most people. My brother and cousin saw, they didn’t asked any questions but gave me a hug and after that it was ok. The last thing I wanted was to draw attention to myself during an event that was very much not about me. I’m an adult - crying at someone else’s wedding because I’m a spinster is the most unbecoming thing and I hope to hell I never, ever feel like that again. Spinster or not. 

Eventually it did stop, I got back in control, and I had a great night with family. I lived to tell the tale.

But what about the deals I made? The prays I sent out to the universe?

Well, it turns out some cosmic jerk was listening to me. And now..? Well, let’s just say I’m very overwhelmed but I’m pretty happy too. 

We can say it’s all premature, or that I don’t want to jinx it, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like that at all. Maybe - big maybe - this might be ok? 

In the words of some very well meaning friends lately - it’s not a big deal. If it doesn’t work out - it’s not a big deal. If it does work out - it’s not a big deal. 

So, I guess I kind of met someone. It’s no big deal, let’s not make it one. 

But It feels kind of nice. 

Sam xox