Demi Life

I’ve done a lot of soul searching (with therapy) this year and it’s really made me confront some aspects of myself - for better or worse. 

I mean generally for better as that’s how I now know myself - even better. And frankly a lot of things make more sense to me now in why the way that I am and how I got here. 

Surprise! I’m on the train again - this time on a very different train, I’m a very different city. Nothing exotic, just old school. Takes me back to my uni days really. Almost nostalgic. 

Anyway, I spoke a few months ago about the fact that I consider myself both pan and demisexual. I’ve alluded it to since as well, but I want to talk more about being demi since it’s so important in understanding myself and my romantic history. 

If you didn’t read my post before to recap being demisexual essentially means that I need to establish some kind of emotional connection with someone in order to have sex with them. If we want to be more candid about that, I mean anything more sexual than a little kissing or touching. Anything past the appetisers, if you will. 

I didn’t start being properly intimate until I was 24 (not entirely from lack of opportunity or want) and I didn’t first have (my only) relationship until I was 27. I have been with 11 guys (arguably a couple of women). I would say that of the 11 men I regret 5 and of the other 6 I was heartbroken 5 times because I was, to someone degree, invested. 

The ones I regret though are more what I’m interested in because as much as there is an aspect to them that was just not a great time, in the majority of cases what made it a bad time wasn’t always that the sex itself was bad - the emotional come down was just so much worse. 

For me, I can’t speak for all demi people, sexual intimacy without an established connection to me feels gross. I don’t think the experience is gross or shameful or anything like that ahead of time - it’s the aftermath that I feel awful. Think of it like a hangover - tequila shots at the bar may be such a great idea at the time and feel good going down, but the next day you’re low key wishing you were dead. It’s not that I don’t like sex or that I don’t want to do it - but that hangover stops me doing it. It’s not actually worth it to me - at all - the pleasure of it is never good enough to be worth it. 

Except for when I have that connection.

The connection doesn’t have to be love, it just has to be a level of common ground, understanding, chemistry and attraction to their personality. It’s not a quantifiable thing for me either - it can be different depending on the person and I know that the ones I’ve experienced have all been kind of different. Some have brewed over days or months, others over hours. Some over years. I can’t predict it from a photo or a text conversation (i.e the apps) and I can only form it in person. Otherwise it’s not that person, it’s the fiction version of that person I’ve conjured in my mind. It’s happened before, trust me, and it can be very disappointing. For both parties even. 

At any rate - it’s the connection that does it for me, not just the physical attraction or chemistry. 

Sure, I can appreciate an attractive person from afar - I’m demi, not asexual or blind (nothing wrong with either). But that’s just not enough. I psychologically couldn’t see an attractive person and just sleep with them. That might be the ‘norm’, but that’s not how I work. 

It’s also not because of any moral value either. Hoe on all ye hoes - hoe on my behalf. If I could do it, I would. But I can’t. I’ve tried, but I can’t. Not because I’m a prude, or religious, or anything like that. I just can’t. 

I don’t understand the full psychological situation as to exactly why, but I don’t really need to. That’s just how I am and now I can see it’s how I’ve always been - it makes me decontextualise a lot of my personal history. A lot of things make sense to me now that didn’t before. 

For example, the most painful and recurring one I’ve encountered, why I fall so quickly. For a lot of people sex doesn’t equal romance or emotion, but for me it does. Maybe not at first but the fact that I’m having the sex means I’ve established the base connection which sex, especially if repeated, only strengthens. The stronger the base, the better the sex, the quicker the fall. Do you see? 

What’s painful, if you haven’t clued on, is not only do many people not think and feel the way that I do but they also don’t know how I feel - because I didn’t understand it either. Some people just thought I was doing it on purpose because I wasn’t holding back enough (part of it, sure, but another whole topic) and others thought I was just dramatic. It wasn’t a choice - it was how I process sex. And still do.

Now that I’ve learnt more and understand myself a bit better I can see it in myself and my history. I have also begun being more open about it with the people around me both socially and in a romantic context. I’m finding that it’s a very new concept for alot of people - which is ok. Being gay was new for people once, too. It’s all about the education. 

What isn’t ok though, which I’m finding alot, is that people (usually straight men) smile and nod along knowing full well that they aren’t sincere. It’s shitty ad manipulative to do generally, but it’s hard for me because I think I’m on the same page and I’ve been open with my sexuality. Instead, they’re trying to just talk me into bed regardless of my feelings. Doesn’t that sound super icky to you? Imagine how it makes me feel - pretty used, pretty hurt. Pretty horrible.  

It’s not the same kind of horrible as the connection-less sex either - which I have only done under the influence. Alcohol is pretty deceptive in the way it can loosen your inhibitions and falsify connections with people. Think of the times you make bestest new friends on a night out. Well, that’s what it’s like. Except I’m not just doing a walk of shame because the sex was lame or they person wasn’t that attractive in the morning. I feel sick and upset and gross because I feel used - it’s like Uber regret on a deep level. I can’t explain it any better. 

Let’s go back to my tequila analogy. Imagine you’ve had a bad tequila night. Most of us have, but most of us have had that one crazy night that has put them off tequila (or a different drink) entirely. I can’t drink passion pop (no one should, honestly) because I had a rough night drinking it.

Just the thought of drinking it makes me think of that hangover, so I never drink it. Connectionless sex is like that for me - any potential enjoyment is so vastly overshadowed by the future hangover it’s not even worth it.

Wish I could - but I can’t. 

There are alot more of us out there than I always thought though. I keep seeing more and more about it on forums like Tik-Tok and it makes me feel like less of a freak. I feel validated, seen and heard. 

Apparently just not from men (one of the many reasons I chucked the apps and hit a dating burnout). At least I know what I need though. 

Like with my last post I hope that my talking about this sort of thing helps others as much as it helps me. You are always welcome to come and speak to me, as well. Us demis are out there, we’re normal, we’re here to stay. It’s important to spread the word. 

The more I see, the less I know.

Sam xox