Childfree

Let’s not lie and pretend like I have some forethought or schedule to these. Though I’m not on the train this time. 

I’m in the bath.

Anyway, I’ve noticed a lot of really positive creators popping out of the woodwork lately (at least that I’ve noticed) that speak openly about being childfree. 

Now being childfree, I want to be very, very clear, does not mean you hate or even dislike children. There are quite a few reasons that someone, especially a woman (or person with a uterus - and we’ll get to that side of it), may be childfree. I also say childfree, not childless because they have very different connotations. 

Just a few reasons can include infertility, child loss, being in an homosexual or atypical relationship, not being in a relationship at all, and, last but not least, simply choosing to not have children. All of these reasons are valid - some might be my choice whilst others are not, but they are all completely valid reasons. 

I’ve talked a lot on here about the expectations that society places on women and having children is one of the biggest ones. To all the women that I know who had children, by choice (and on purpose), I’m very happy for you. Children can be an amazing thing and bring a lot of joy to a lot of people. If it wasn’t on purpose or by choice - I hope things worked out and that you are happy now. There’s a lot of possibilities in between those and reproductive rights are a whole different conversation we’re not having today. I am very strongly pro-choice though. 

But this conversation is not about the mothers, or the people with children. This is for the rest of us who, by choice or not, don’t have them. The conversation needs to change to include us because I am beyond tired of the assumption and expectation that that is in my future irrespective of what I want. 

And what do I want? 

Growing up I always was told ‘you’ll have children someday’ by everyone around me - mostly women - and in various situations. It was the same as the assumption that I was just straight, I’d someday marry a man and settle down somewhere etc. A lot of expectation to put on a child, right? And yet, because that’s what I was told, it’s what I just assumed I’d do someday.

Until, that is, I got older and I was single and that didn’t seem like it was ever going to change. As I began to unpick why that bothered me and what my feelings were about meeting someone and getting married I too really thought about children. Did I really want to have children or had I just been assuming I would for so long that it was ingrained? 

I have never particularly felt the urge to have children. I like my friends children and my nieces and nephews and I’m excited to see and hold them - but a stranger’s kids? I feel as apathetic as I would about the stranger. I’m 150% more excited about dogs than kids I don’t know. I never feel clucky - that feeling a lot of women get when they are looking at children or around them etc. It’s actually so rare I feel that way it always makes me feel uncomfortable. 

Don’t get me wrong I can feel maternal - I’ll fight anyone who wants to hurt my friends kids and my nieces and nephews. If someone hurts my pets I’ll make their life miserable. I’ll mother my friends when they’re having a bad time. I would probably be a pretty alright mum if I so desired.

But I don’t desire it. 

It took a lot of soul searching to get here, along with all my other internal work, but I don’t particularly want to have children of my own. If I always remain single, I definitely have no interest in having children on my own (absolutely fuck that). If I did meet someone and down the line that was something we mutually decided to do - I’m open to it, but it’s not in my criteria. I’m actually turned off and anxiously freaked out by a guy who tells me they definitely want kids. Oh I absolutely want men to be sure in what they want and I encourage that in everyone, but it just means we’re not compatible. I wouldn’t want to take that choice that I so strongly advocate for from someone else. 

So essentially I’m open to it with the right person, but I could take it or leave it.

I’m also not interested in dating a man who already has children - nothing wrong with being a single dad but as I’ve just said I’m not particularly interested in having children and that includes adopting them. If it was a child of a friend or a niece or nephew I’d be happy to, but I know that I’m just not interested in taking on the responsibility of going through the motions of trying to get to know a random child. 

I know how that sounds - and honestly, I’m sorry but not sorry. I do not need to justify it and honestly men are hardly beating down my door I’m sure the single dads of the world do not care. 

It’s really nice to have come across a lot of women (and all genders) being open about not having children as a choice. I feel validated, I feel seen, but I also feel frustrated by the sheer amount of people who seem to talk that choice as an affront. From the men who think a woman’s only purpose is to reproduce and the mothers who really think telling us having children was their greatest achievement, to the people who think only by having children could anyone know real love, there seem to be a lot of people who do not want to hear us. 

Choosing to be a parent is totally valid. Choosing not to be a parent, is also really valid. I don’t care if you feel fulfilled now, or that you now know unconditional love (which is a myth by the way), or that you think it’s our female duty. I also don’t care that you think I’ll die alone in a nursing home because most of us will and how offensive that you’d think without children I’d be alone (have you heard of friends or other family?).

And more so how offensive to the people who cannot have children. At least for me it’s a choice and I can change my mind (though don’t ever tell me I will change my mind when I’m older). But there are a lot of people out there who want to have children, sometimes so badly that it hurts, and they can’t. Why don’t you say these things to them? Because it’s cruel and offensive. Exactly. 

Society progresses slowly and to have children is the norm - which is why being able to be open about alternative lifestyles is so important. Some women have mother’s groups, some of us have a community of other women who choose not to have children. Neither of us gets to invalidate the others’. 

For women, those of us who present and/are raised as women, get heaped with a lot of expectation in a very different way to men. A lot is expected of men, too, but as with being single society treats childfree men and women very differently. My brother is a few months away from turning 29 - I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone ask him when he’s going to have children. People have been asking me when I’m going to settle down, get married and have children since I was in daycare. When an older, say middle aged, man hasn’t had children yet no one cares. For women it’s always ‘you’re running out of time’ ‘you have to have children’ ‘you’ll change your mind’ ‘don’t worry, you’ll meet the right man’. 

My mum is very supportive of my life choices and my decisions - I guarantee you she doesn’t always agree with them and sometimes we’ve clashed, but she’s supportive. She has always said she wants to have grandchildren, through me, so that she can be the maternal grandmother. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes a little more serious. I understand that want, but the more I’m open about how I feel and what I want my mum has backed off with that narrative. At the end of the day she wants me to be happy with my life and my choices - not being pressured into things that will make me miserable. It’s the same with the one relationship I had that she thought was wrong for me, it was the same with moving across the country, and it will be the same with not having children. 

The point is making a choice for yourself and being open with the people in your life who matter about that. The people that aren’t supportive probably don’t have your best interest in mind. 

If you are someone who’s had children or wants to in the future (by choice and on purpose) - I’m really happy for you.  I only ask that you do the same for us that decide it’s not for us. You don’t need to try to change our minds and we don’t have to justify it. Just be supportive. 

Sam xox

P.S the most important people in my life are supportive. I’m very lucky - but not everyone is and as with any post of mine I only hope to make people think.