The Last Wedding

What do I always turn to when I don’t feel ok? You - my blog space, where it doesn’t matter if anyone is ever listening because that’s not the point.

Right now, I don’t feel ok.

I hate that I don’t and I hate why I don’t. It all boils down to that thing that I always wanted so badly and tried so hard to bury that will just never leave me. Wanting to have someone real. 

No matter what I try I just can’t be rid of that lifetime of wanting and wishing and hoping even if I know how much it doesn’t matter. How important all the other relationships in my life are and that no couple is perfect. I hear my friends complain about their partners all the time.

Yet here I am. Again. Crying at a wedding. 

I feel like I can’t talk to anyone, that they wouldn’t understand or that they’d do what I’m already doing to myself in pointing out all the reasons why this is ridiculous. Because it is. This is one of the things that I hate the most about myself - that that spark will just never die. 

I feel heartbroken by no one in particular yet everyone all at once. I can’t explain beyond that I feel like the last toy on the shelf and that I want to change my fate. 

I can’t do this anymore - each wedding gets worse and worse. It has nothing to do with the couple and everything to do with me. I fell embarrassed and childish and weak when I should be so much better than this. 

I know this won’t be the last wedding, there will be others. I’ll feel this way again and I’ll do my best to get through. But it will be the last that I travel to, with maybe one or two exceptions in the future. 

Weddings cost me so much money and yet that’s not even the biggest price that I feel like I pay. It’s the cost of family and friends moving on without me while slowly, over time I’m the last one left alone on the shelf. 

They’ll never celebrate me like this, I’ll never feel all of that love like this, 

Consider it the ghost of something that’s long-since died and the pain never goes away. Dramatic, but does not diminish the utter melancholy that finds me in this moments like the ghost of weddings past. I never feel so out of place than in these times.

I wish this was the last time that I ever felt like this. I don’t know where I went wrong or what I’ve done, I won’t wish on a star this time except that I will be and continue to be ok again. I wish the grief of unfulfilled dreams could finally let me go. 

I just want to live and be happy with the life, the amazing life, that I have. 

Sam xox