Embrace La Vida Siempre

Welcome back to another episode of ‘Sam blogs on the train’. I genuinely think I blog more in motion these days than I do just at home. Some of my best ideas are when I’m driving (I don’t blog and drive) or on the train. 

I’ve been listening to Remedy by Little Boots on repeat for the past half hour and I feel like it sums up my feelings tonight. It used to be my jam in 2009-2010 (god that makes me feel old) and it would hype me up on the way to the terrible night club down the road from my old house in WA. If you know, you know. 

It’s a really upbeat, fun song. Why I relate to it so much right now might be kind of confusing at first when I explain, but bear with me.

I failed at my no six months of dating pledge, and whilst I don’t necessarily regret that I’ve officially reached a burnout. I’m actively tired of making any attempts to meet someone and honestly what am I trying for? It’s both redundant and kind of makes me feel like a hypocrite. 

I maintain that you can both enjoy being single whilst wanting to meet someone and have a genuinely connection. Those, for the people in the back who didn’t hear me the first time, are not mutually exclusive things. I’m loving my best life being single - that doesn’t mean I can’t also want a significant other.

However - I’m burnt out trying and working to make it happen. 

Whatever rhetoric you’re thinking along the lines of ‘it will happen when you least expect it’ or ‘just focus on yourself’ or anything similar - just spare me. I’ve heard it all before and it’s neither helpful or meaningful. 

Despite starting the year off on the wrong foot with somewhat of a broken heart (Fuck me, it’s already almost April - and yes, I was really upset even if it was a short lived whirlwind), I have had an incredibly busy and rewarding few months thus far. 

I’ve been going to therapy and having some major breakthroughs, I’ve made new friends, I’ve gone to a slew of events in ranging degrees of drinking and maturity, I’ve been on a weekend away, I’ve housesit, I’ve been on several dates, I started a new job and I’ve had a going time doing it all. Therapy has helped me to decontextualise my personal history and why I react the way I do to certain things (long story), why my attachment style is the way it is, and why I can’t accept interest when it’s actually genuine (and that I fall for fake interest because it’s overt and I can’t tell the difference). I’m healing - not just from being hurt and disappointed, but in ways I didn’t even realise I was broken. The anti-anxiety medication has also helped, for sure. 

But something about the past couple of weeks has made me start to feel exhausted - not so much in general, but about trying to be anything but single and loving this good life I have right now. Essentially I’ve been thinking how frustrating and disappointing and hard work dating is, and how it never gets me anywhere. I either don’t like them and that’s the end of it, or I do like them and they’re either not into me, they’re not emotionally available, or they just can’t keep it going. I’m tired of putting so much effort into people that can’t reciprocate and it’s a waste of my time and energy.  In short, I’m tired. 

Now, when I’ve got so much going on in life right now - be it work, social events, dog, travel (yes, even travel again), and family dramas - I don’t have the extra energy to care to devote to the pursuit of subpar romance. And why should I do so? Give me one good reason - I’ll wait. 

I hate the apps, as do most of us who’ve used them, so I decided to try something different. I thought I met someone out at a Meet Up, but I was wrong (though hooray for new friends), so I decided to try Speed Dating. We’ve seen it on TV and in movies, I thought it might be interesting to try for once. It was interesting and not the worst, although I did wish I could eject a couple of times. 

I had 20 (yes, literally) ‘dates’ with different guys who were all very nice but mostly not my type. I only connected with one person and we matched so apparently he thought the same. I contacted him after (the organisation gave me his number because we matched) and after like four texts he just didn’t reply. I’m not invested enough to really care, but partly because I’m so tired. At least I tried something new and I can tick that off the bucket list. 

Over the weekend the very highly anticipated second season of Netflix’s Bridgerton series dropped, which I enthusiastically binge watched over a very generous high tea spread with two of my best girlfriends. I very much enjoyed it and despite the slow burn and will they/won’t they frustration between Kate and Anthony it was satisfying in the end. But I think the end of the season finale was what pushed me over my limit - the season was done and so was I. Since then I’ve just been feeling apathetic about romance, I’m not in the mood. 

I’m at a good place right now. I’m busy at work, I’ve got a lot on with friends and family, I’m off to my hometown over Easter in a few weeks time, and I’ve got event after event on that I’m almost aggressively getting what I asked for when I said I was sick of being at home since lockdown ended. I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to be bothered with trying to date or meet someone right now. 

I can’t say I’ll feel exhausted by it forever - I know myself too well to ever think I’d give up completely after all this time (though I resent the negative connotations of ‘giving up’ in this context). It would be welcome and cool if I did though - it’s happier and simpler of a life for me. 

I deleted Tinder today again - just the app, not my profile. I did restrict the profile though so I’m not visible. Don’t ask me why I didn’t just delete everything but in part that seemed like too much effort today. I don’t have any of the other apps currently either because I genuinely think they’re all just the same and you can’t convince me otherwise. 

I feel good about my choices, and I think I’ve made the right decision. I’m comfortable in my own company, in my own skin and I’m feeling pretty content right now without a partner. I’ll still be open to meeting one in the future (as I said I’ll never truly be closed off to that) but for now I’m just over it. I don’t need to torture myself with the ‘what if’ and ‘you never know’ that’s been keeping me trying for so long. There’s no shame in being happy being single and accepting that doesn’t mean I’ve ‘given up’. 

Destiny and life always find a way, right? If it’s not meant to happen for me right now, or ever, my effort is wasted and is better focused somewhere else.

There’s plenty of other things I could devote my time and attention to in the world that may actually help people.

I don’t have a partner, who cares, to many I’m lucky as hell and I have all the freedom in the world to do what I want. I never forget that.

Sam xox