Fickle

Any guesses where I am right now?

That’s right. I’m on the train. 

It’s not like my commute is that long. 30-40 minutes depending on whether it’s the express train and if I have to do the circle circle or not. It just seems to be when I have the time to sit and write. I’m a busy woman.

I wanted to post something today as a status that I was thinking about but for once I was a little irked about it. Yea - I do have a social media filter sometimes. 

What I wanted to post is this: one of the best things about being single is not having to have any loyalty to any one man. 

Think of it like Shroedinger’s cat. If you’re unfamiliar, the term comes from a philosophical concept in which Shroedinger hypothesised that if you put a cat in a box with a deadly poison the cat may eventually die. But until you open the box you won’t know whether the cat is alive or dead, and therefore for that time you could say the cat is both alive and dead. Essentially as you don’t know for sure both could be correct. 

Being single is like that sometimes in the sense that I constantly exist on the fringe of endless possibilities. Anytime I meet someone I find attractive there is potential, obviously dependent on whatever factors exist, for whatever that situation could be. In essence I can forever exist in the positive imagination of what any of these interactions could be - I haven’t opened the box so I can’t know for sure. The story is however I want to write it. 

On the surface maybe that sounds a little crazy but it isn’t. Remember when I said that being yet to find my person the excitement and fantasy of the whole future romance is ahead of me? Well that’s the only thing I have - I don’t have the reality of it. And when I say the reality I mean the downsides. 

I can imagine that any attractive person could be my future love interest at any time. I won’t act on that unless I feel sure enough that the situation works and that they’re interested in me (they have to be available), but even if it’s not I can still imagine it. 

I also never have to feel guilty about that - I’m not hurting anyone and I don’t have any loyalty to anyone romantically. I’m not married or in a relationship, I don’t have a man (or woman) at home, I’m well within my rights to experience all the positive fantasy that I want. If I met an attractive stranger every day of the week I could have a crush every day and feel that rush of a new spark all the time. 

It’s living in my head, I’m not suggesting that it isn’t, but I’m fickle as all hell. It’s something that Geminis are known for and absolutely a trait I embody. I change my mind a lot, I can never make up my mind, I’m fiercely independent and honestly probably a little ADHD. I have an addictive personality, I have new obsessions all the time and I don’t know how to settle down on a good day. 

Im sure you’re thinking - but that’s not the same as a real relationship. No, it’s not (i already said that), but historically ‘real relationships’ don’t tend to work out for me (at least the one time I had one). So, what’s the trouble if I’m having a little fun with it? 

I’m demisexual so 99.9% of these interactions are fantasy with never anything happening IRL. I might imagine having forbidden sex with the handsome building manager showing me around the haunted government building - but I’m not actually doing it. Potential of being fired aside, there’s nothing wrong with that in principle - I just can’t do the casual sex thing. 

What I’m saying though is I don’t have a partner, so I can do all the flirting and fantasising as I want. I’m living my best life right now and having the luxury of endless possibilities but still going home to my own space is really working for me. Is it hurting anyone? No. Is it fun? Yes. Is it material for many of the future novels I’m still intending to write someday? Absolutely yes. 

Like I said, I’m fickle as all hell. I might have a crush one day on a handsome stranger but it’s harmless. Tomorrow I might have a crush on someone else. I don’t get much chance to truly fall in love and form a connection that deep in reality - I’d hate to be this fickle where it could hurt someone else. 

Catch me if you can, I guess. 

So let me say then: one of my favourite things about being single is not having loyalty to any one romantic interest. 

Sam xox

Oh, and also I came out of the movies the other night to several messages from multiple ‘exes’. One I hadn’t spoken to in months, the other in over 5 years. What the hell was that about? 

Mercury retrograde, huh?