Expectations vs Reality

I hear, a lot, that my expectations are just too damn high and no man can measure up to them. 

‘Oh Sam, you’re looking for a fairy tale’

‘Oh Sam, men aren’t perfect.’

‘Oh Sam, happily ever afters aren’t real. Real relationships take work.’

‘Oh Sam, if you’re expecting a knight in shining armour you’re going to be disappointed.’

First of all - I’m single, not naive. I’m single, not stupid. I’m single, not uneducated. That same rhetoric about how I and my expectations are the problem is ironically the problem. 

I just watched a Tik Tok of a girl deciding that she was going to go on strike essentially and refuse to pick up after her boyfriend until he noticed. It was barely a day and there was shit everywhere. Several used cups and glasses in various parts of the house, clothes on the floor, empty packets littered across the place. Personally I wouldn’t last the day. I’d clean it up myself then get angry with them for being so lazy - just like my mum did to me when I was younger. 

One thing, of many, that I love about living alone is that the only mess can be made by me (or my dogs). I’m not perfect - sometimes there’s mess. But I’m not an inherently messy person and generally I’ll clean it up pretty quickly. I don’t make my bed every day, but you won’t see empty packets strewn across my kitchen, coffee table or on the floor. My clothes won’t be left all over the place. I use the same handful of cups and glasses all the time so if I’m not actively using them they’re on the drying rack. Normal adult behaviour - right?

So why, honestly tell me, do I hear the same thing from every woman I know who’s in a relationship with a man? That they’re picking up after them like they would their children? 

I had a conversation with some girls at work once and they were talking about some attractive NASCAR driver. One said they ‘wouldn’t mind picking up after him’. I swear I nearly choked on my lunch. Is this normal? Is this the expectation? That as women we just do that in relationships? In 2022?

There’s a lot of reference for this out there, too. The mental load, inequality in relationships, weaponised incompetence - often when relationships break down these things have a significant impact on what lead to it happening. 

Is this the reality that my head is in the clouds about? My expectations aren’t so high that I want a literal Prince Charming who’ll sweep me off my feet, I just want an equal partner who I actually have mutual love, attraction and respect for who’ll not suck the soul out of my body because I feel like I have to mother them or leave. Is that really such an unrealistic expectation? 

Because if it is I’m happy to be single for the rest of my life - honestly it seems like the better option. 

Look, I’m not saying all men are lazy or that all men are incompetent. Most of the time they’re capable of being equal partners and contributing to household tasks but just choose not to. I’ve just been single for too long that I don’t have the time or patience for it and if that’s how it has to be then so be it. 

And if you’re thinking relationships are about compromise then you’re right - just not in this context. Compromise isn’t just capitulating and doing it for them, it’s meeting in the middle. Me having to pick up after an adult man who’s fully capable of cleaning up after himself is not compromise. That’s a shortcut to developing resentment and divorce. 

Having my expectations be too high about a prospective partner would be to expect that we always get along, we never fight and we’re on the same page about everything. That they fit the criteria of my dream man with all the right features, perfect height, a love of Shakespeare and musical theatre and happy to talk history all day. A perfect man is too much to expect. That they have an equal share our lives and the little things is the bare minimum. Like the bar is basically in hell if that’s too much to expect.

I remember about 5 years ago when I was so in love with my ex, the only real one (the other ‘ex’ was a short lived mistake I let myself be talked into last year), and I truly feared that if it didn’t work out with him that was my only chance and there would never be anyone else. Does it make me sick and sad to think about? Yes, absolutely, but I don’t exactly think I was wrong. 

Oh don’t get me wrong - I don’t think I was right for the reasons I thought back then. I’m not anxious and afraid that there’s no one else for me out there. Maybe there is, that’s not really the point. But by now I’ve changed a lot and I think that I was right then because people keep telling me my expectations are too high. I’m not going to lower them so I guess there isn’t anyone out there for me. 

I welcome the chance to be wrong, but I won’t cry myself to sleep at night fearing there isn’t anyone. It’ll probably take someone really amazing though so whether that’s realistic or not you can decide. 

I’m open to whatever my future holds.

Except to dating apps - they can go in the bin forever. So can all my old flames who collectively led me to feeling that way 5 years ago. As well as the ones in the 5 years since they can go in the bin, too. 

And to all my friends who say that relationships/men are just like that? Absolutely not, tell your partners (even if they’re women) to do better. Don’t let the fear of being single gaslight you into accepting subpar effort and poor behaviour from your partner.

Sam xox