Love Bomb

I was very briefly back on the dating apps - I’m talking maybe 6 weeks? I didn’t actually enjoy it almost at all even though there was maybe a handful of somewhat nice guys that I spoke to. I didn’t meet up with a single person - not because no one asked but the ones I actually did want to meet the timing just never worked out. 

A shame. But is it, really?

One of the biggest issues I found this time though was the love bombing - it was overwhelming and so off-putting I couldn’t believe it!

Now, in case you haven’t heard of it love bombing is not s new concept though it’s been gaining a lot of traction in the last few years. It refers to when someone lavishes someone else with compliments, gifts, etc in a way that can be manipulative and insincere. It’s generally full-on but unwarranted and it’s intensity outweighs the appropriate. For example, buying a lot of gifts early on in the dating process or showering with compliments about surface level things when you don’t know each other well. 

It’s not always inherently negative, but it can be an early stage of abuse in relationships.

I found that when I started talking to someone new a lot of them would just unleash a slew of compliments about my looks or that they think I’m smart etc and/or make sexualised comments about my body. Before we’d even met. The issue I have with it is that it’s insincere and meaningless - you’ve talked to me for two minutes. 

A compliment on my looks is flattering but very quickly becomes uncomfortable when they double down. You haven’t talked to me for more than a day? You don’t know anything about me. I mention I’m doing something and you say ‘without me’ when I don’t know you? Yikes, no. I don’t know you.

I’ve said it before that I’m demisexual and whilst that doesn’t comprise my personality, it impacts my life the same way it would if I was gay or asexual etc. I’m romantically/sexually attracted to people when there is sn emotional and mentally stimulating connection which I can’t make solely online. The main reason for that is that I’m too imaginative and I form an idea of the person in my mind that is often untrue. It’s important to meet someone in person in order to form a proper connection - even if that rarely happens. 

If I haven’t met someone, can’t gauge chemistry or connection and you’re overwhelming me with shallow comments about my looks? It actually just does the opposite in turning me off. I don’t know if I represent the majority or not, but it genuinely bothers me. Even more so when they they counter every attempt I make at moving the conversation along or doubling down on telling me I’ll definitely like them in person. I can’t express enough how all of this turns me off. 

One thing I’ve found, personally, with being demi is that once someone really turns me off its nearly impossible for me to change that. It works a bit like a light switch and can happen that fast sometimes - it’s not fun. It can happen in person but it’s easier online when my attraction is driven by emotional and mental stimulation - ergo if you turn me off when we’re talking we’re done. That’s how attraction works for me. There’s no such thing as being sexually attracted to someone I don’t like as a person for me - even if they’re objectively attractive like Chris Hemsworth, for example. 

So dating apps, once again, are not right for me. I don’t think they ever will be and so I’ve deleted them again. I wasn’t happy having re-downloaded them though at all because they give me a deep feeling of discomfort and dislike of myself - like forcing something that isn’t meant to be. 

I’m happy being single and in my own company - that’s not for show and I am sincere. It’s not always easy, especially when I have barely even experienced the opposite and I’ve never known what it’s like to feel real, reciprocated (romantic) love. That hurts - I’ve said for years that it does. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m happy in my own company or that I don’t enjoy dating. 

I genuinely don’t feel like this will ever change - not the end of the world, but I need people to really listen and consider what I’m saying when say that society is not the kindest to single people. The world is designed for couples - think about it. Even if no one person pressured me, I feel a collective pressure to meet someone so I don’t ‘die alone’, so I can buy a house and have children (which is my expected role as a woman), so i can fit in with my friends. 

But I can’t make it happen and it never will under these circumstances when the majority of single men I talk to just make me uncomfortable. And yet all I get is that I’m bitter, I’m jealous, I’m deluded for thinking single people are treated badly when we are. Think about the things you’ve said to your single friends overtime. There’s no winning until we start pushing back and when I tell you that people do not like that. 

Other women might like being showered with compliments from someone they don’t know but not me. Other women might find someone saying ‘without me’ to any mention of plans in a dating app context as flirty or attractive - but not me. 

I wish I could feel a genuine romantic connection again but they seem to be pretty few and far between. 

I’m also quite attuned to love bombing following my latest round of therapy because i recognise it in past interactions. Most notably my last ‘ex’ (though everything about him grosses me out to think about) and the last person I really liked at the start of the year who I genuinely feel somewhat used by. The latter crushed me so much more than the former. But in hindsight I can see how much that love bombing tactic, whether intentionally manipulative or not, was used on me. I just notice it so much more now and it puts me off. 

Look, compliments are nice flattering. But too many of them, about shallow things or things that they clearly don’t actually know about, is not. Imagine someone compliments you on being a good writer but they’ve never read anything you’ve written. Or that you’re so smart when you’ve had one conversation about general things. Or, even worse, overly enthusiastic sexualised comments from someone you haven’t met such as ‘I bet you’d be good in bed’ or similar. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m hypersensitive and distrustful, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s very off-putting to me. 

So, that’s that and I’m (relaxingly) app free once again. I hope I never get them back again and I hope to not feel pressured or anxious enough to change my mind. I am not so desperate that I will date just anyone and if not for the way that people treat me - yes, really - I would not care about wanting to meet someone. 

I’ll continue to push back on people who disparage and belittle single people as well as people’s refusal to acknowledge what it can be like for us. If you don’t like it or that makes you uncomfortable I don’t care. Things won’t change until enough people acknowledge that there’s a problem - which there is. 

Sam xox