Old Flame

I've been in love before. Only once and a long time ago now that it's almost like a distant dream. Something that happened in another life, to another Sam. A younger Sam, a more enchanted Sam. 

Things are different now. 

In the 3 years since that dreadful morning I've been infatuated and I've meet lovely guys all over the world. I've batted my lashes, I've tripped over my own feet, I've kissed, danced, giggled, cried and sometimes just wished on a star for something new. It's been fun, it's been lonely, it's been exciting and it's been disenchanting, but in all this time not one person has made me feel the way that he did. 

He never knew how I felt, I could never tell him how strong my feelings were or how much he was everything I had ever wanted. Not because I didn't want to but because at the time I was afraid and things were complicated as in the real world they always are. It seemed there was never the right time, that he wouldn't want to know. And for a long time afterwards I wondered if I had just been honest then things never would have turned out the way that they had. That maybe he'd have known that I didn't want anyone else and that I would have just about done anything for him. Maybe he'd have thought I was enough then. 

But like I said, that was another time. I am not that person anymore and I know that if he had been as worthy as all that then what happened would not have happened. My starry eyes didn't deserve that fate, or that heartache. 

I've been single all my life - never had a partner before, not even him, and despite it all he didn't actually put me off. I used to hope that someone would come along and think the world of me like I had of him, that I would feel that intensely again. And for a little while I even grew anxious, afraid, that I never would again. What if no one made me feel that way again?  Would I live out the rest of my life with lukewarm feelings moving from one fickle infatuation to the next each time I snapped out of it? 

It was the fear of missing out more than anything, knowing that I had lived almost 25 years without this huge part of daily life because I'd just not experienced it and I simply could not do it alone. I am a very independent person, having to miss out because I am single has never been acceptable to me. But when being single for my entire life span meant that I was forced to miss out on so much over the years, that did not suit. I had no choice and I've missed out on so much I would sometimes become a like a puppy at the pet shop just waiting to be adopted. And I hated that. 

It goes against everything that the 21at century independent woman in me stands for, and when I don't lose sleep backpacking for months on end on my own it almost kills me to know that I can't do everything. It's limiting. 

What if I run out of things that I can do on my own?

I was in love once. I felt strongly and passionately with everything I had. It took a long time to reclaim what I lost, but still when you try to tape all the jagged pieces back together you don't always get everything. No heart smashes cleanly. You can't always find every tiny sliver and pick it up for the pile to mend later. Something always gets lost. What if I never find it? What if I never feel that way again? What if I never have the chance?

I'm not sworn off men. I tried it once when I was younger but being a young independent woman who doesn't need a man doesn't mean that I wouldn't like one someday. I suffered enough, I paid for it, I mended. I've done so much on my own and I buy whatever I want with my own money. But if I never feel that way again in my lifetime I will never be satisfied. I am a sensitive, emotional human being and I have so much care, passion and love to give that will be so much more than a shame to waste. 

It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, or next week or even this year, but at the end of the day it's been almost 25 years of doing my own thing. 3 years since I've felt passionate and strongly about another person. Life is only passing me by. 

It's not something I wish on stars for anymore, I don't ask for it in my tarot or hope for it with my horoscope. I don't make it a resolution or a goal for the year. I don't waste the breath or the wish or the energy. I just have faith that when the time is right and it's my turn, and I've earnt it, then it'll be so. 

Just, not another 25 years. I'd appreciate it.

He never truly loved me, but I deserve to be loved. I'll never be able to forget him or what happened entirely, but at least he showed me that I could feel. Someday I just want to feel that way again. 

Sam xox