Demi/Pan

Definitely don’t look at this like a ‘coming out’ story or anything quite so serious because i think it would be very disingenuous of me to claim anything of the LGTBQI+ experience. I have not faced any of the discrimination that many queer people face and I don’t think I can align myself with what they’ve been through because I haven’t experienced anything similar. As a woman, yes, but as a member of the LGBTQI+, no. 

But the reason I want to kind of talk about this now is because I’ve always just considered myself on a spectrum for sexuality. I’ve always called myself ‘straight’ and I’ve only dated or slept with men, but what’s been on my mind a lot lately (largely through my tik tok experience) is that apparently I’m much more attracted to other genders than I thought. 

It is a bit of a stereotype that women generally are a bit more sexually fluid than men are (not all the time), but when you consider a spectrum of straight and gay - there’s a huge space in between where most people might actually fall along it. Sexuality is a lot more complex than just being straight or gay. 

Alfred Kinsey developed a scale for sexuality in the 1960s to kind of identify this. 

As you can see from this scale above, it trends from 0 - 6 in terms of where someone may sit between heterosexuality and homosexuality. Someone may be a firm 0, a firm 6, or anyone else on the scale in between. 

In 2022, whilst the scale is still somewhat valid the situation is significantly more nuanced than that when you consider how vast the LGBTQI+ sphere is. I just like the scale as a starting point and for me it’s still sort of relevant.

I, despite always classing myself as straight when asked, probably sit somewhere on the Kinsey scale between a 2-3. As a conservative guesstimate with minimal experience with anything other than straight men (some in the closet, some maybe more bisexual) and a lot of LGBTQI+ friends. 

In the past few years I’ve really been considering what my sexuality means to me. Though I’m very well read, my actual experiences are pretty minor and mostly vanilla, and almost all of them have been heterosexual in nature. Almost all, but not all. 

The truth is though that I do find I am attracted to an have sexual chemistry with all kinds of people. Not just men and women, gender is so fluid and socially constructed, but all kinds of people. I haven’t dated or really know anyone non-binary or trans but I wouldn’t discount them if I’m attracted or interested in them. 

So that brings me to Pansexuality. 

If you haven’t heard of Pansexuality, here is the official definition:

Pansexuals have sexual attractions and relationships with people of different genders and sexualities.

Where this differs from bisexuality, is that bisexuality hinges a little more on gender whilst Pansexuality is more in spite of gender. For example, a bisexual person may like both men and women, whilst a Pansexual person just likes who they like based on the other person’s personality irrespective of their gender identity.

Please feel free to come and correct me if I’m wrong here, but that’s what I’ve come to understand from all the research I’ve been trying to do.

Now, classing myself as Pansexual doesn’t necessarily mean I’m gay. I’m not gay, that’s kind of the point, I just like who I like and I’m not going to shy away from dating someone who isn’t a man simply because they’re not a man - do you know what I mean? That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m seeking a relationship with a woman etc, I’m just not closed to it should someone come along. 

There have been women that I’ve been really attracted to before, I’ve even kissed women and sometimes it’s been really great. It’s never gone anywhere but I’m not adverse to it. 

The main point I’m trying to make here is, as people may have already guessed about me, is that I’m highly sensitive and emotional - I develop strong connections often pretty quickly but those connections for me are very important and leads me into the second part of what I want to say about sexuality.

I’ve wondered for a long time now if I’m demisexual as well. I’m not entirely sure how much I fit the definition in lieu of just being a woman needing comfort/connection, but here’s the definition for demisexuality:

Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. They can be gay, straight, bisexual, or pansexual, and may have any gender identity. 

So I’m not I’m entirely sure, but considering it is next to impossible for me to consent to sex without first establishing some kind of connection with my partner (ie through conversation and shared interests) I choose to consider myself somewhat of a Demi (Demi-goddess). 

If I don’t have that connection I won’t even be turned on, and it can even desert me on the spot if I try to fake it to myself (with alcohol maybe) - kind of like having a bucket of water tossed on me out of nowhere and just immediately cooling down. It’s a very weird experience and can be super awkward because often I need to get myself the hell out of whatever situation I’ve put myself in. 

I know a lot of people think that Tik Tok is stupid - and alot of it can be. But I think there’s a lot of discourse being had on that app, like around sexuality and healthy relationships, that needs to be had and hasn’t been a part of open conversation for way too long. Part of the reason I’m sharing this today is to make other people think about things themselves and feel that it’s ok to talk about - with me, even. 

Im definitely not an expert on any of this, and again, I want to make it clear that I in no way want to claim or take any of the experience away from people who’ve suffered discrimination and judgement for their sexuality (as I have not). But the LGBTQI+ community is a very large one and one of the most inclusive (or should be), and if anyone at all thinks maybe they belong I want you to know that you do belong. 

Making this post changes nothing for me except being more honest about the fact that perhaps I’m a little more rainbow than I’ve always thought with the people around me. I know most of them won’t care, it changes nothing about me. I’m not suddenly going to stop liking men or start exclusively dating women - I’m just going to like someone if I like them. As should we all - love is love. 

Sam xox