Numb Little Bug

Even though I’ve finally started my exciting new job at a great new company, I’ve still been struggling this week. 

Don’t get me wrong - the new start has really helped and given me back a lot of time during the week to focus on something meaningful to me, but it doesn’t fix all my problems or eradicate all the things that have been bothering me. 

That being said with the new job I feel like I’ve reached a new phase of this depression: the numb little bug phase. 

The name comes from the new song by Tik Toker and musician, Em Beihold, aptly named ‘Numb Little Bug’. She wrote the song a few months ago after being on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants and what they made her feel. The chorus, which I’ve really been relating to, goes like this:

Do You Ever Get A Little Bit Tired Of Life?
Like You're Not Really Happy 
But You Don't Wanna Die
Like You're Hanging By A Thread
But You Gotta Survive
'Cause You Gotta Survive
Like Your Body's In The Room 
But You're Not Really There
Like You Have Empathy Inside 
But You Don't Really Care
Like You're Fresh Out Of Love
But It's Been In The Air
Am I Past Repair?

Its quite an upbeat song actually and I recommend giving it a listen - it dropped on Spotify on Friday so go find it there. 

But the point isn’t that I’m particularly feeling worse - I’m just not feeling amazingly better and frustrated by the fact that I’m not. Either that or I’m just feeling numb. 

I’ve spent all this week and weekend alone with a few notable exceptions. It really hasn’t been what I needed. 

I did try a new flavour of therapy though in going to a smash lab. Basically I paid money to go and throw crockery and glassware at a wall for a half hour. It was great actually - the warehouse played Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo as loud as possible whilst I teed up an intricately coloured vase and lobbed it across the room with a baseball bat where it exploded on impact like fireworks. I really recommend that everyone give that a try, too, and honestly it did help for a little while but I really think I needed a couple of hours rather than just the half. 

I got through two full books since Saturday morning, spent three hours drinking wine in the bath, and managed to stretch out my grocery shopping to past two hours all for something to do. Time at the dog park helped, which it always does, but one thing that really helped was actually quite unexpected. 

I have a new friend, he’s not really a suitor or a romantic interest though I don’t think I can really call us platonic as we have hooked up before, who I have been somewhat avoiding for a few weeks. Not the one I’m hung up on, of course, but someone different. He’s a nice guy, I was clear in the beginning about where I was at and what I didn’t want (a relationship or even to date right now), and even if I told him I don’t want to talk about it he’s determined to be helpful. 

When I say I’ve been avoiding him that’s partially true - because I have - but I was also legitimately busy some of the times in the past weeks he wanted to catch up. Today I just couldn’t think of an excuse after I - running out of fucks - admitted I wasn’t doing the greatest. Plus I was genuinely feeling like trash and lonely as hell. So I figured whatever, he could come by. 

Now this actually really helped for a couple of reasons. For one, he was genuinely kind of concerned, but also because we talked. About a lot of things - therapy, past relationships, abuse, etc. I even told him all about my personal vendetta with Valentine’s Day and how much I wish every year that it would just fuck right off because I despise it. It felt better to talk about all this sort of stuff with someone who’s been through plenty of their own issues in the past. 

What also really helped was something more that I did - I exercised boundaries in a way I feel like I don’t do enough. I reiterated where I stood and was clear that I didn’t want anything when many times in the past I’ve said so to myself and then just rolled with the situation as it happened regardless. I’m so proud of myself for setting and keeping my boundaries. 

Combined with the talking, the social interaction and the smash lab, even though 85% of this weekend I’ve felt horrible I actually feel a lot better now. 

Im ready for January to end because I really hope that I am peaking in my melancholy and I’m destined to start feeling better.

Sam xox