The Next 6 Months

I started this year off on the wrong foot already so I have to start again. So, after discussing everything with a close friend, we came up with a couple of original ground rules and I’ve been thinking about what the rest of my goals should be.

Now, I say goals but we’re not talking about New Years resolutions because we all know the ~extenuating circumstances~ are still going on (particularly here in Sydney) and it’s highly likely that they’ll be going for a while. I can’t predict today how much my life will be entirely disrupted this year as it has been the last two. I’m hoping that this year can be a little more ‘normal’ but now that I’ve actually expressed that chances are it won’t be. 

My goals aren’t anything like ‘just think positively’ either. That’s kind of insulting really given all the things that I personally and my generation collectively has experienced. We’ve had a pretty fucked time of it and ‘just thinking positively’ kind of invalidates the very real impact that everything’s had. I will endeavour to find ways to positively improve my mindset and my life in general, but it’s a lot more complicated than that. It’s also a little bit like when you’re depressed and/or anxious (two things which I very much struggle with) and someone says to just try not being those things or don’t think about it if it’s situation. You’re right, Joanne, why didn’t I just try NOT having anxiety? GTFO.

Firstly, let’s go through a couple of my goals which I’ve set for the next 6 months. Some are more like guidelines but same same.

1. No dating. 

This one is a little different because for maybe the first time I’m actively choosing not to date anyone - not because of circumstances like lockdown or because the dating apps have pissed me off, but because I’m making the conscious choose to take a break. 

Yes, this is reactionary in a way to my mini heartbreak, but also compounded by the fact that I actually have been on quite a few dates this past week and honestly I’m just not feeling it. All genuinely nice guys but just did nothing for me partly because of the mindset I’m in and honestly I haven’t settled this far I’m absolutely not going to start now.

It’s also important for me to stop falling back into the fear mindset that gets me sometimes when I think that if I’m not trying super hard I’ll never actually meet someone. It’s unfair to myself and I compare myself to others that seem to have it so easy. I think I’m great but I’m hurting myself by trying too hard to get the attention of men who don’t value me. It also grates on my soul when I know how much I a) don’t need a man though sometimes I want one and b) get too invested too quickly only to be disappointed every time. I need to pull back and remind myself that I’m so much more than that - men do not equal my worth and failed romances don’t mean I’m not worthy of a real love.

I’ve deleted the apps again and since I rarely meet anyone out in the world in a romantic sense I’m fairly confident about this that it will be super easy. But that being said I have the mindset this time that I really don’t want to date - psychologically I really need a break and this leads me to point two.

2. Going back to therapy.

I already made the appointment to get my referral and I was thinking if I could do a weekly or fortnightly session through at least the next 6 months it will help me immensely. 

I’ve been to therapy plenty of times over the past decade after different catalysts and it’s always helped me until one day I feel fine and I just don’t know what to say, feel like I’m wasting their time and peace out. I think that was wrong and I should have stayed. I think I’m probably a lot more mixed up inside than people, including myself, think. 

So I’m going back and will continue at least as long as I can afford to.

3. Focus on my health.

More physically than psychologically for this one, though This is a pretty loaded one because it’s somewhat threefold:

- Lose weight (as a number I’m saying 10kg);

- Love my body (weight doesn’t mean anything if I don’t and that’s the bigger battle); and 

- Keep up my exercise and nutrition habits without overdoing it (my exercise compulsion developed over the past two years has become somewhat a crutch and I need to relax a little). 

Weight loss I can do - it’s simple in theory though not easy and the bigger thing to remember here is that as much as I’ve put a number to my general goal, the number itself doesn’t matter the most. It’s how I feel in my clothes and about my body. 

For one thing I’m already a small person; I’m 161cm (barely 5”3) and I have little bones. I’m an average weight and combined with my physical structure I’m already a small clothing size which is not a flex, I’m only mentioning it because in reaching the goals I used to have about weight (hitting a superfluous goal of about 55-58kg) I’ll actually make life hard for myself in finding clothes. Most clothing brands go down to a size 6 (in Australia) or equivalent and I’m already an 8 in most things (depending on the cut, usually bust wise). I don’t want to size myself out of finding clothes so those original goals are probably overkill. 

Which is why the focus is a little bit of weight loss with a greater emphasis on how I actually feel in the new clothes I bought only a year or so ago when I lost the bulk of my weight. I don’t want to again go and have to buy new clothes especially if I have to pursue more niche brands that don’t give me a lot of options because I’m too tiny (again, not a flex). I’m a fickle, changeable, moody Gemini and I like to be able to buy new clothes that don’t cost half my pay check. 

The third part, not over exercising essentially, is so that I can focus more on my actual nutrition but also so that I can get out of this mindset that I can’t miss a day of exercise. I’m not an athlete, I shouldn’t feel like I need to exercise every single day. Plus, I need to stretch more. And get more remedial massages since I actually even changed my health insurance to include that right before lockdown closed them all down last year.

4. Be more consistent with writing/reading. 

This one seems easy for me, but isn’t in practice. Whilst I read a lot, especially since incorporating audio books into my life (they count as reading, you’re wrong if you disagree), it has gotten progressively harder to write over the years. Technically I write every day for work but I really mean creatively - so, blogs, stories, my actual fiction works that I’ve been neglecting a little too much. 

My goals are simple here too - just be consistent. Write a little or read a little every day. A blog a week, or something else, 2-3 books a week. Easy low goals that I can follow. 

I know someone just stumbled over how I said 2-3 books a week is easy - for me it is. On average I read 150~ books a year and over 52 weeks that’s 2-3. Last year I ended on 162, the year before 167. I’ll have months when I read more than others which is why for me an average of 2-3 books per week is achievable and is something I should still push myself to do. They can also be any book depending on how I feel. Maybe you guys should consider it too - books will absolutely enrich your life. 

Stay tuned for more blogs as long as I feel like actually sharing - I don’t share everything I write these days. I will definitely take requests anyone wants to make, too. 

5. Learn and say some affirmations.

Whether you think finding positive reinforcements to tell yourself in the mirror are stupid or not, I’m going to try to do this more anyway. I’ve actually been doing it for months already and it’s served me well so far. My favourite one, which I learnt from Tik Tok, is this one:

I don’t chase, I attract; and what is meant to be mine will simply find me. 

Try it sometime, you won’t be disappointed. 

Others I’m thinking of now but will be things along the line of my personal self worth and what I want. I’ve been told that verbalising what you want to the universe can be a really positive and rewarding experience so why not. 

6. Focus on my career.

I’m starting my new job in a few weeks and I’m genuinely excited about it. Now is a good time to throw myself right into it whilst I learn the ropes of the new place, I figure out how to actually be a little more in charge and get to know my new colleagues. Plus I actually really like my field, I want to be more ingrained into it and now’s the perfect time. 

7. Have fun.

I always do this, this isn’t new - I love to just go out and have a good time. Not like to a nightclub unless it’s a gay bar, but on adventures in the outdoors, to movies, to the theatre, for brunch and lunch and dinner dates with my friends, for new experiences and parties (both innocent and less so). The ~extenuating circumstances~ may shut some things down again in the near future, but until then (and after that) I’m going to enjoy what I can. I just had my booster shot too so I’m as protected as I can get for the time being and if something goes a little wrong I’ll adjust. 

Let’s see how we go overall, but I’m looking at the next 6 months positively but cautiously. I can take the curveballs life throws but I have to live with myself forever at the end of the day and I’ve got to focus a little more on my own needs right now. I’m not in a rush. 

I am, after all, a selfish person according to the pope. I may as well live my best selfish life.

Sam xox

P.s as agnostic I couldn’t care less what the pope says and I don’t actually think we need a pope. You can come fight me in person.